24 February 2009

Fighting the fear

I realised last night that this week has taken its toll in other ways than the total exhaustion. I'm suddenly tearful and scared again, not all the time, but far more than a week ago. I feel vulnerable, timid, waiting to be told that it's OK...

It isn't exactly fear for the baby's safety, I know it's doing fine in there now; it's back to moving around a lot and usual patterns (ie that funny thing they do where any time someone wants to feel a kick they go very very still, going crazy in the bath, and turning over at night a second or two after I change position...). It's more a loss of confidence in what my body is doing, can do, that hard-won feeling of invincable Warrior Woman has gone.

I just don't know how to get back where I was. I hate the idea of going into labour still feeling vulnerable and lacking that trust in my partnership with my baby; if I were to get to term still in this state and someone even IMPLIED that something might be amiss I'd be in hospital like a shot, asking the NHS to do ANYTHING, "just let my baby be OK". :S Not a way of thinking I'm used to in myself I have to say. ;)

How to feel strong again? *sigh* I wish I knew. I've spent a lot of this pregnancy feeling like my body is broken and useless, and I don't want to try to give birth still acting and thinking that way. :(

News for the day: Jenna is throwing up everywhere and has a temperature. She hasn't eaten anything unusual or had a bump, so I'm assuming she has a tummy bug - we've all had so many colds on and off that it doesn't surprise me at all actually. Poor little thing, she's just dozing on and off on a chair with a sippy of water in one hand and a big sick bowl in the other.
In between fetching tissues, clean sick bowl, more water, headband to keep hair off sticky face, I have managed to make this (I still need to stitch in the last couple of loose threads as you can see). I'm quite impressed though.
It's far too big for teeny Morgan of course! Still, it will be even more cute when she grows into it...

8 comments:

  1. i love the dress!!! that fabric is gorgeous.

    I hope all of you feel better. Tummy bugs and fear subside soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You will do great at the birth. You and others inspired me and kept me believing I *could* do it at home when Grace was taking so long to arrive, and I'm sure you will be able to draw on those reserves when this little one makes an appearance.

    It will be ok - you can do it :)

    Broken Man's Wife

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just sending hugs - you are strong. Loving that dress too

    ReplyDelete
  4. Big Hugs xx
    Sarah, I can honestly tell you that you are the strongest woman I know. Your body has gotten you and this baby so far; it isnt going to give up on you now.

    That dress is gorgeous :) Is there a pattern I can steal?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lovely dress, she looks so happy in it. I really hope Jenna's better soon too. You can do this, we all believe in you, trust us as well as yourself and your baby. ((((HUGS))))

    ReplyDelete
  6. sending lots of positive, happy birth vibes your way. Hugs to Jenna, hope she soons feels better((hugs)).
    Oh and gorgeous dress!! clever you.
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. When the time comes, the Wild Woman will emerge! Love and hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete

Penny for your thoughts? :)