29 August 2012

Brick and Museums and finding Steady Ground

Feel free to read between the lines (or lack thereof) as to how rapidly things are improving for me right now. I want to think I'm getting there, that I'm not sinking.  And I am having more light(er) moments.  I am concentrating for longer, and finding pleasure in simple things again.  But on the other hand I am struggling more with overwhelming panic and those "not good enough" self-accusations.

Anyway.  Isn't it such a blessing that the camera captures the beautiful for me, and not the darkness?  :)

Jenna totally rocks the vintage dress Em chose for her birthday.

We took friends to the Museum of Childhood.  It was a good day.

Jenna spent every penny of her money in the gift shop buying a present for Jeremy.  He spent his pocket money buying a bubble wand for her.  Generous little people!  It was one of those enchanted days where siblings suddenly offer to share and hug each other spontaneously, where all the things that might go wrong just don't, and the sun shines after all.


It's hard to keep posting, keep connected, keep sharing, when I don't feel great.  Then when I do, I find it helps; orders things for me and reminds me how many good things we *did* find this week.

The baby beaming at every new discovery, and every rediscovery of such things as the feeling of sticky juice on her hands or the joy of peekaboo or the taste of dirt.  Bright green prickles from chestnut trees.  Home made biscuit bars.  The sound of rain on glass.  Hot tea in a flask.  A new Brambly Hedge DVD.  The smell of damp wool drying over the kitchen door.  Rose petals falling everywhere.

25 August 2012

Getting By

I feel like we are just-about-scraping-by normal right now, putting one foot in front of the other and that's all.  Perhaps it's enough.  I am telling myself it is.




Visitors went home - taking memories of rainbow adventures.  We found new adventures instead.



Morgan insisted on sleeping in the play tunnel one night.  There's no accounting for the things that Morgan thinks of!


We did birthdaying.





There are moments that sparkle.  There are moments that feel normal.  Overall, I still feel pretty dark.  I'm not trying to analyse it, just plod on with the next thing in front of me for now.  We're OK.  We're making the most of the happy moments.


23 August 2012

For my Jenna

Another year, so so fast, how can I be here again writing out how you have grown this year, changed and matured?  Oh it hasn't been an easy year for you, rubbing along with us sometimes more easily than others, and doing the dance of interdependence as you reach for more and more freedom - hurting when you reach so far you stumble, and hurting when our support and guidance feels like confinement or when our caution feels so SLOW!
Overnight, our sweet feisty strong seven year old becomes a sweet feisty strong eight year old.  This day came too fast - I'm not ready!
You are magical and beautiful and precious.  You are strong and fiery and smart and brave.  You are passionate and thoughtful and kind.  I am immensely proud of you.
(Her birthday present from us is a beautiful hand made wooden wand, randomly selected using a list of traits we sent the wand maker.  Two weeks after the wand arrived, Jenna joined Pottermore, and was assigned - by answering questions about her personality - a nearly identical wand!)

Year after year after wonderful year:
Six (and here)

20 August 2012

Weekending Chaos and Colour

Dyed on Friday; rainbows, and gorgeous yarn.




Saturday was... interesting...  Will I never learn?  Here we are, setting off to do some jobs in town on a Saturday morning.  Yes, I know.  I really really do.  It *always* begins with such optimism...


Well, lunch was awesome, we discovered a new little Mediterranean restaurant near the wholefoods shop and had Meze times many (yum).

But by the time we were done, the children just could not do any more sitting and being quiet, plus the smallest two were wanting carrying and cuddling.  The result, of course, was three big ones who wanted to RUN and act crazy, and two mamas with babies who were not up for that game.  The best I can say for the rest of the trip out is that we got home with everything we needed except crocs for Cerys!

Anyway.  Jenna's birthday party sleepover.  Aren't they adorable?  It was very pink, chocolatey, and squeal-y.  They were all fabulously happy, watching Matilda and having their nails painted.





Colourful, chaotic, crazy, sociable weekending.  Colourful, chaotic, crazy, love-filled life.

19 August 2012

Week in Pictures





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1. Baby surrounded by toys
2. Parked up to go to Wirksworth
3. Meteor watching
4. Grandma's garden
5. Too tired to watch the jousting!
6. Stockmar crayons
7. Silk rainbows

18 August 2012

Portraits (of me by them)

1. What is something mummy always says to you? 
Morgan: "Jenna, bring Tali back!"
Rowan: "I love you, Rowan."

2. What makes mummy happy?
Morgan: Me.
Jenna: Us being happy.  And knitting.
Rowan: I laugh at you when you smile.

3. What makes mummy sad?
Rowan: Tipping your knitting needles out of your bag.
Morgan: When Rowan wees on the floor.
Jenna: Tali getting hurt.

4. How does mummy make you laugh? 
Morgan: When you tell everyone funny things.
Rowan: When you tickle me.
Jenna: Calling Ruby a poo-bag.

5. What was mummy like as a child?
Morgan: I don't know.
Rowan: Swimming!
Jenna: You were cute.  A bit shouty with your brothers.  You had hair the same as mine.

6. How tall is mummy? 
Rowan: BIG!
Jenna: As tall as a baby giraffe.
Morgan: Can you just put the number down, mummy?

7. What is her favorite thing to do?
Morgan: Work.  Work a lot.
Jenna: Knit.
Rowan: I don't know.

8. What does mummy do when you're not around? 
Morgan: On the pomuter.  (Computer.)
Jenna: More knitting!
Rowan: Something you do all day.  You bake tea when I'm not there.  Scrumpled eggs!

9. If mummy becomes famous, what will it be for?
Morgan: I don't know.
Rowan: Singing and dancing.
Jenna: Art.

10. What is mummy really good at? 
Morgan: Painting.
Rowan: Doing some things.
Jenna: Cooking.  Actually, tie-dyeing.

11. What is mummy not very good at? 
Morgan: Don't know.
Jenna:  You're not very good at driving but I've never seen you drive.

12. What does mummy do for a job? 
Morgan: Experiments with Jenna.
Jenna: Look after us.
Rowan: Knitting.

13.What is mummy's favorite food? 
Morgan: Macaroni cheese?
Rowan: Fruit and vegetables.
Jenna: Enchiladas.

14. What makes you proud of mummy? 
Morgan: When you huggle me.
Jenna: Making Talia!

15. If mummy were a cartoon character, who would she be? 
Morgan: Daffy duck.
Jenna: Fairy godmother in Cinderella.
Rowan: Nanny Plum!

16. What do you and mummy do together? 
Morgan: Make some cakes.
Rowan: You feed me mink.  And read me stories.
Jenna: Make things.

17. How are you and mummy the same? 
Jenna: We've both got lots of friends.  And people think I'm you on the phone.
Morgan: We both like going out for walks.
Rowan: We love each other!

18. How are you and mummy different? 
Rowan: I don't know.
Morgan: Cause our hair is different. 
Jenna: You're better at making Tali quiet.  Your hair is darker, kind of tree coloured.

19. How do you know mummy loves you? 
Morgan: You are proud of me and you huggle me a lot.  And you normally say, "I love you".
Rowan: You feed me some of your biscuit.
Jenna: You make things for me, and make me nice cakes on my birthday.

20. What does mummy like most about daddy? 
Morgan: He gets up in the morning.  Well he normally doesn't, but he does.  He makes breakfast for us.
Jenna: That he's funny.  You wouldn't have such wonderful daughters without him!
Rowan: Hugging him.

21. Where is mummy's favorite place to go? 
Morgan: Soft play.
Jenna: Wollaton Hall, I think.  But you also like to go to places where there are trees.

17 August 2012

Variations on Ordinary (ish)

A strange week, all in all, same daily routines and same us, but in other ways a total break with reality.  We got up in the middle of the night to see the Perseid meteor shower.  It was fairly cloudy, but we still saw a few, and it certainly was an adventure.


Rowan spent a day baking cakes with my mum.  Jenna had a sleepover with her a couple of days later.



We went to the Robin Hood festival and watched puppet shows and jesters and jousting and archery.  It rained very hard, and we got soaked to the skin.
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And I had one *horrendous* day where it felt like they were trying to break me.  (Everything from Morgan knocking the bathroom cabinet over and then threatening to spray bleach on her sister, to Rowan finding the camping mallet and making a hole in the bedroom wall with it, to Rowan hitting my favourite tea mug with a big stone, to Morgan hitting Rowan in the face with a wooden telephone, to Talia throwing herself at me and covering us both with - mercifully cold - tea...)

Well...  At least it has been a week of adventures!