Feeling sad for mothers who AP without support

We all went for a walk after my BAMBI training, with some friends. Jenna had gone to her grandparents so she wasn't there distracting me, and I had the rare chance to talk for a good long while to one of my few mother-friends locally. Well, it struck me that really I'm so quick to say how much I love motherhood and how easy it is most of the time... Oh God I'm sometimes really ashamed of the things I say - the judgements I make...

It must be really lonely when they are small, doing all this without someone like Martin. If you're always putting your family first and have no partner and no close friends then WHO PUTS YOU FIRST? I mean, when he's working and gets home I'm free. Obviously I'm still on call for milk lol but, I have someone to vent to and I have someone to take over when I lose it. :(

Sober reflections...

My big news for the day is that *gulp* I have managed to get myself the job of demonstrating and teaching Babywearing in all our local Surestart and Barnados centres! Actually I'm hoping that a NINO group might be the overall outcome of all this but WOW. :O I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Such a great week in our lives

I have had so little to write about in the past week. Everything is so... nice!

Don't get me wrong I shout sometimes, sometimes Jenna is a real trial (and sometimes I am) and sometimes Morgan yells and fusses and I don't know why. But things generally are going really smoothly, and we're really busy in a gentle domestic kind of way.

We're going to book clubs, to toddler clubs, to soft play. We're in the middle of Buy Nothing Month and we've not given in yet - although next week we are buying the chicken coop on the understanding that it is part of our sustainable living drive so kind of anti-commercialism anyway lol. Plus it's from a local craftsperson (via ebay) so we're also supporting local trade etc.

Morgan is done with her growth spurt, and she scarily turned three months on Tuesday. Eeek. She is fabulous, and still so smiley and contented. Right now she is asleep in the comfort corner, since Jenna is at her grandparents again. I feel really... at peace... that Jenna is so independant. Even though I miss her.

And I'm starting to want another baby again. Already.

My BAMBI training started, so I'm going to be a fully trained breastfeeding peer support worker in three months. Which is exciting. Also I'm feeling very busy, maybe even a tad rushed. But not too rushed to stop painting with Jenna and messing around in the garden. Sometimes I doubt myself, that I can do all this and still be available and PRESENT for my babies, but mostly I just feel amazing.

I keep doing baking as well (and I made meusli lol) so I dunno... I guess... I feel proud. Of me, of us. Of actually being the person I want to be - even if it is only every now and again! It's a wierd feeling, and one that is quite hard to own up to lol. But no, we're doing really well. And I can admit it somewhere without feeling like I'm crowing or anything.

Much better (apart from no money lol)

Literally while I was writing my diary I got the good news. They got home safe and sound yesterday afternoon, and all is well. Naomi seems like her confidence is pretty low but she's doing so great. I just find it so incredible that either healthcare professionals can get it so wrong without there being any comeback, or that anyone could come through all that still so strong!
Today I have seen my first pictures of Tristan, and he is SO beautiful. I can't wait to meet him in real life - reminder to self DO NOT crowd the new mother. ;)

Anyhows, in my life... No news really, apart from the usual screw-ups LOL. JSA stopped Martin's payments again because of a mistake THEY made months ago. So we're broke til the 5th of March. Annndd, well Morgan is really unsettled when she's with her Dad - she's most definatley having a growth spurt. Annnddd, Jenna is over her cold entirely now and she's really bouncy (and eating to make up for four days of eating less than a mouthful of food a day).

Today she helped me with my coursework. Nice. You know when you ask those really dumb questions of a two year old?

Me: "Oh no! Jenna what did you do!"Jenna: "I did a hippoptomus. "

I was actually laughing too much at her honesty, and that she could manage the word "hippopotomus", to be annoyed with her. Ah well, MUST remember to keep the folder out of her reach. I can't even think of it as a discipline issue really, since I didn't tell her not to draw in the folder, and it does look very much like her folder (not to mention the biology colouring sheets inside that must have looked just so tempting to her!). I don't know reallt wether to get new sheets or not even. I wouldn't have thought one measly hippopotumus should lose me too many marks. ;)

And on that note, I have to go and help her. She's dressing up - as me I suspect - in my Diana wrap and my yellow coat!

Difficult thoughts about being commited to AP

Last week I had an interview to start my volunteer befriending course. Not befriending volunteers… Volunteering to befriend vulnerable families. I was pretty sure I could do it before, but the interview kind of knocked my confidence. The woman clearly thought I was too young and inexperienced, and that I was only interested in helping families like my own. :(

After trying to keep out of rows on the board, I’m actually worried she might be right. I have friends with all sorts of families – and of all ages too – but I do find it hard not to want to help, not to arrogantly think I AM helping… Maybe I should drop the whole thing.

Anyhows, that was Tuesday, and for better or worse I’m going to do the course. No good worrying about it yet.

The last few days I’ve been really tearful still, but at least Martin and I are sorting ourselves out. And we’ve been out a lot so less shouting at Jenna too. We’ve had lots of positivity about the slings though – a few AP families we’ve met around and about. Someone we’ve seen a few times before even commented today that she’s seen three different slings with our family now and she thought *she* was addicted. I didn’t confess to the seven she hasn’t seen. *blushes*