No, really, it could only happen to us...

Yesterday started out as one of those absolutely perfect days. We walked to town and picked up crazy half-price art supplies (oh how we love September for stocking up on art supplies) and when I asked what the girls wanted to do about lunch they all voted for sushi on the park. So we did.



We took the opportunity to pick some elderberries, which we carried home in my cardigan, and turned into chocolate elderberry cake (yum). Unfortunately the day went downhill from there. I went out to top up the electric key, which glitched, preventing me from topping it up. No electric means no phone means no frantic call to the energy supplier to help me sort it out.

I couldn't run any more laundry, but we invited some friends over, did some watercolour painting, played in the garden. We had to wait to sort out the power until Martin got home from work, at which point he had to charge his phone up at my brother's house before we could sort out the electricity.

Then we finally got to admire the shiny new car! And it is, very shiny. Hey, kids, it's late but why don't we go for a night time walk somewhere? We all pile in and head out towards some of our favourite places to walk in the Derbyshire country side.

And Morgan didn't tell anyone she was feeling travel sick. And spewed all over the brand new car.

Seriously. I swear these things only happen to us.

Martin and I looked at each other with that "and this is why we can't have nice things" look.

Going with the theme of making the best of the ludicrously unhelpful, we thanked heaven that I'd packed spare clothes, drank our tea in a nice dark interesting verge, and had a little explore in the dark before heading home to bed.

Just Breathe

When the children pull out all the things they can find and make a huge happy mess when really you're feeling tired and sick and just don't want to deal with it. Just breathe.



When someone snips off a tiny bit of the baby's fringe, and you can't decide whether to yell or cry, and you end up doing both. Just breathe.



When the lego finally gets picked up and then the baby comes along and tips it all out again just as you were sitting down with a cup of tea. Just breathe.



When you have to remove the baby from the windowsill for the twentieth time that day, and she gets right back up even though she's fallen off twice already, and she falls again and is still crying when the stark naked toddler answers the door to a stranger while you're cradling sad injured broken-hearted determined climber. Just breathe.

When the car breaks down and the garage ask for more than it's worth, and then the laptop gets dropped on the same day, and you worry that the finances are always *just* on the brink of disaster. Just breathe.

When a sister throws a book, and another sister has a bruised nose, and everyone is clamouring and shouting and crying all at once, and they sob into your shoulder that they hate each other. Just breathe.

When the dinner gets spilled or the cat sticks her face in the pan as it cools or the children are all hungry again five minutes after eating and there is nothing to be found in the cupboards that doesn't involve more cooking and you can't even think about it. Just breathe.

When it's all so much EVERYTHING and it never stops and you just don't have any answers and the world is on your shoulders... Breathe.

This is not how the world ends. These small things that pile up, they hurt and they wear away at you. But the world keeps turning and there is always always always a smile and a kind word and a flower and something small and sparkly, something good.

Maybe the answers will come. Maybe they won't. Maybe you will find the energy to pick up and make meals and pick up and soothe frazzled small people and pick up again. Maybe you won't. Maybe hugs on the sofa, and pyjama days, and a movie with popcorn, and takeaway chips will be enough. Maybe it's enough to just keep breathing.

Finding the words for pain

Knitting, reading, surviving, when life just seems to be throwing up one disaster after another, and pain becomes normal, and stress stops me from sleeping...

I started feeling shaky as we walked to the library early in the week, just after the car failed its MOT so spectacularly we can't afford to repair it.  This bright jewel of happiness, this one picture, is pretty much all the evidence that I had of my week until a few moments ago.  I have been totally knocked out by illness and stress.  I was tripping over my feet trudging home yesterday from an emergency appointment, antibiotics in hand, feeling like the universe is actually trying to kill me.

I feel whiny for "being negative" and fake for trying to find the beauty and light.  Words are coming so slowly, each one replaced, deleted, re-written.  I can't pour out everything without sharing things better not to say publicly.  I can't *not* pour out everything without feeling inauthentic.  I suppose all I can do is hold the space, and wait.

Daybook when life is busy but sunny...

Outside my window - the sun is shining brightly, lighting the contorted branches of the willow tree with silver and gold. Shrieks and laughter from the children filter into the house as they put on a show on their "stage" (an old blue-painted pallet). Even the little one is running around out there with them, wearing a purple knit pleated skirt and an orange tie dye tshirt. Her fuzzy blonde hair toddles in and out of view as I stand in the kitchen with one eye on the peach muffins in the oven.

I am thinking - how necessary it is for children to get to know and love an animal. It's such a blessing to have my mum's dogs staying again. Talia hugs Lucy-dog soundly, and Lucy comes to her when she calls. (Tali calls both dogs "AMA!" but Lucy doesn't seem to mind.)

I am thankful - for the perfect golden glow of this morning, and the smell of earth, and the promise of Spring.

I am wearing - brown yoga pants and a black dress with a paint mark on it. It's that kind of day. I have my hair tied back because there wasn't time to wash it this morning. I feel slightly grey, and very sleep deprived. The first and major impact of the baby sleeping through for a few nights is that when she doesn't it feels *so much worse* than it ever did when she was waking every night!

I am creating - a blue cotton knitted cowl. I need to get on with gnomes. I'm procrastinating.

I am going - to spend this afternoon creating chaos and colour with the children. We took a magical walk in the woods this morning before Martin went to work, so beautiful and peaceful, and we were lucky enough to spot two woodpeckers (and a robin, though that was hardly an achievement since he sat on the path practically where we'd step on him, showing off and singing his heart out)! It's tempting to let this afternoon slide into another nothing day, but I've had a bit of a nothing week and I need to plan some more fun stuff.  :)

I am wondering - why at certain ages there is nothing I can do to fill these girls up! Morgan just came to whine to me that she's SOO hungry and why is food taking "for ages"?

I am reading - The Ashes of Eden by William Shatner.  Don't judge.  ;)

I am hoping - all of the happy little parcels of colour I posted off early this morning speed their various ways to their new owners.  :)  (I am also hoping like crazy that the poor pathetic broken car doesn't give us any nasty surprises, the MOT is on Monday and the work that we know about will cost about £400.  *sigh*)

I am looking forward to - finally not having to worry one way or the other about getting the car through its MOT.

I am learning - how far it is possible to make basic storecupboard ingredients go in order to scrape together car repair money. I am quite sick of pasta. On the other hand, I've been baking quite a bit to use up flour and dried fruit and seeds and tinned fruit.

Around the house - the bedrooms are feeling fresh and comfortable, somehow this morning I woke up feeling rather energetic and did some yoga (!) before putting away two bags of laundry, tidying all the bedrooms, and changing all the bedding (yes, not surprising I feel a bit crashed out now). 

The living room looks pretty much the same way it usually does, with discarded coats and books, a dressing gown, a scattering of baby toys, a couple of bits of paper, all of the tipped-out crayons, a brick trolley, the rocking chair pulled out into the middle of the room, and the red tractor abandoned where Tali gave up pushing it up and down to go play with her sisters outside.

One of my favourite things - is hearing Jenna and Morgan read aloud to themselves, to each other, to me, and to the little ones.

A peek into my day - 


Simple Woman's Daybook

Daybook from a very ordinary home day

Outside my window: there are only so many words for "grey" to describe the early Spring sky on another damp and chilly day.  The cat presses her nose to the window - she won't come in, we're looking after my mum's dogs today and they are rather to interested in the cat for her own comfort.  I am awaiting  the rumble and clank of Martin's work van door slamming, telling me that he is home and our family time can begin.

I am thankful: for clean fresh water, Norse myths, a clean kitchen, small helping hands to fold laundry, cold breezes on our morning walk to the park, colourful journal pages, and warm socks!

In the kitchen: I earned myself some Good Mama points by baking breakfast muffins late last night for the girls to wake to this morning.  I wish I'd taken a picture.  They were absolutely the best muffins I've made to date.  

It's pancake day today and we've run out of lemon juice, and I take leave to doubt the likelihood of being able to get either lemons or non-metallic-tasting juice from the local shops.  

The tumble drier is humming away (I am still in frank admiration of the many large families who manage without one) and there is yarn hanging on the back of the door for want of anywhere more sensible to leave it to dry.

I am wearing: a very hippy purple dress with my green knitted tunic over the top, and a selection of colourful beaded bracelets.

I am creating: lots of little things to be finished...  I am not feeling the project love, really, today.  Last night I made a baby hat, enjoying the speed and ease of crocheting a familiar favourite pattern.  I'm quite enjoying knitting some little rainbow gnomes for a customer, but today I somehow can't concentrate on those.  I did get it into my head to knit Rowan a quick little tiny mouse, but can't find the right size needles!  Ah well.

I am going: to have to put the children's clothes away again.  It's not one of those jobs that feels particularly satisfying - I know it's work that will be swiftly, surely, and thoroughly undone almost before it's finished.  

Part of me is ready to have another proper cull and get rid of some things.  But with younger siblings growing into things so quickly, it often happens that something barely-worn will be a true favourite constantly-worn for the next child down.  I think I'm a natural hoarder, anyway, but I shy away from further attempts to reduce laundry by culling the wardrobes.

I am wondering: whether Talia is drawing in books again.  She is quietly sitting in her favourite corner, just out of sight from my chair, and I can hear a contended sighing and the rustle of pages turning...  No, she is in fact pen-free (for once) and is just happily "reading" a stack of picture books.

I am hoping: that the extra-careful food budget, using up of cupboard ingredients, and doubling of my weekly savings deposit, will actually result in us being able to repair the car to get it through its MOT at the end of the month.  I'm still trying not to think about it, really.

I am looking forward to: pancakes for tea.  A hug from my hard-working husband.  Sneaking in a bit more art play time standing at the kitchen worktop, hoarding my quiet moments (and my precious art supplies) covetously away from the treasured-but-demanding small children.  The daily reading-aloud of Harry Potter with my biggest girl at bedtime.

I am learning: more about Norse myths than my own initial interest ever carried me to (and enjoying it hugely).

Around the house: there is a large den made from three umbrellas and a chalk board taking up almost the entire playroom.  The girls have blankets and a little table under there, and have set up house.  Rowan is sitting in it right now with a small selection of her favourite soft toys - a velveteen rabbit, Morgan's old penguin (remember Baby?), the first Waldorf doll I ever made (seven years ago - her name is Lily and she is Jenna's), and a small grey toy cat.  Morgan is sulking in her bed reading a book; she and Jenna have had a falling out over something.

Jenna is now sitting with Talia, reading to her.  Talia tries to turn the pages too fast, and gets very cross when Jenna doesn't let her.  Talia is wearing a thick squishy red cardigan, and has her yellow bag with her - the dratted thing is rarely out of her little baby grasp today as she only got it yesterday.  It's a cheap kit bag with shopping centre advertising on it, a free gift we would rather have declined.  As usual with things I don't really actually want, the children adore it.

I am pondering: whether it might be possible to start getting the little ones ready for bed earlier even when their daddy is working late, because yesterday I got *so much done* after they all went off to bed early!  I don't like the idea of them missing out on seeing him in the evenings, but I did really need that quiet hour last night, and felt better for the preparation time today too.

One of my favourite things: is the rich chortle of this ticklish toddler, who comes to me with her baby arms raised and her face glowing with delight, asking me to poke her belly and play endless rounds of "Round and Round the Garden" while she squeals and whoops with joy.

Simple Woman's Daybook

Daybook when life is grey

Outside my window - there is a rumble of a van pulling up and unloading something.  Perhaps a neighbour's grocery delivery, or someone returning home after a morning at work.  The hedge is just starting to green lightly - small fresh pale leaves announcing the oncoming sudden new growth.  The sky is a dirty white, dull with clouds, and the freshness of the beautiful Spring sunshine has turned to another cold spell.

I am thinking - about so many things that just make my head spin.  I'm avoiding thinking.  Knitting would be my default zen option at the moment, but Talia cries every time I try to pick it up today.  I am thinking today that there is too much to fit in that I really don't want to expend energy on, and not enough of the things that fill me up.

I am thankful for - colour, Spring, children laughing, chocolate cereal, journals, the husband who scrubbed the kitchen floor late at night earlier in the week, paper lanterns, wool, being beaten at board games by my big girl, chalk, and rainbow felt.

In the kitchen - the children have been baking again, and I am not convinced that their cake will rise.  

I am wearing - cinnamon-coloured yoga trousers, and a green knitted tunic with orange and red flowers.  A brown and red zigzag woven headband.  Warm socks.

I am creating - an organic baby leafy hat.  I have been promising that I'm going to pull out my yellow alpaca silk shawl, but as yet I haven't got around to it.  It's hard to knit for myself, right now.

I am going - to plan a trip to visit friends, because it has been too long and I miss them, and I need to make some wild adventures happen before we have to try to get the car through its MOT.

I am wondering - where I put the camera down.  I want to take some pictures of some little felt fairies before the light goes.

I am reading - An Echo in the Bone by Diana Gabaldon.  I've been warned that she leaves this one hanging somewhat, an I know the next isn't even due out until September this year.  I was *trying* to leave this one and pace myself, but I can't not read it.  Waiting for more books in a series I like is a kind of torture.

I am hoping - that Martin will have an easy shift and be home on time.  I am feeling paper-thin and fragile today.  Jenna had a rage this morning about being asked not to turn the oven on until I went to help her, because this box of matches isn't great and they keep blowing out when we try to light the oven with them.  I ended up crying too.  It's that kind of day.

Around the house - in the time I've taken writing this, the girls have relocated from watching the oven while their cake cooks, to the play room upstairs where they are playing with the wooden kitchen.  Talia seems to be "helping" as I've heard more than one child shout when she tips their game onto the floor.

This morning I sorted all of the girls' clothes onto my bed and have gone through them looking for things that need mending or handing down.  Rowan has far more cardigans and jumpers than one child could wear.  Jenna appears to be collecting underpants.  Talia owns quite a few pairs of trousers (but that's mostly because she still fits the stretchier of the 3-6 and 6-12 month old size ones too).  The results of that labour are still strewn on the crisp freshly-changed blue and white sheets of my bed.

The little book shelves by each child's bed are so full of favourite books I had to take several off each this morning to return to the big book cases.  I rescued a plush velveteen rabbit who had fallen under Rowan's bed, and re-hung Morgan's painted canvas.  I love spending time in their room, among their precious things, seeing their individual tastes and joys written clear in those small spaces.

Down here in my living room, I notice that the cat has been leaving mucky footprints on the window where she sits and meows to be let in.  One more thing to add to the list of things I don't want to do.

One of my favourite things - is putting the finishing touches to something I'm really pleased with.  :)

A few quick glimpses of my day -

Candlemass, Vikings, and Arty Stuff

My beautiful journal prompt cards from Daisy Yellow came yesterday (Etsy shop here) and Jenna and I spent some time earlier playing with them.  Art materials - and journalling inspiration - are a great favourite to grab when life has been very up and down and I'm feeling a bit lost.  We made these pages from some paintings Jenna half-finished when she was much smaller.


The budget this month is going to be *so* much tighter than last month (planning ahead not being my strong suit, and the car needing work doing to get it through its MOT) but I did so enjoy spending the extra money from my fledgling indie dyeing business on art and craft bits, books, and one new outfit for each of the bigger girls.  Rowan's dress came yesterday too, and of course she absolutely did NOT want to save it for Easter (and who can blame her):


We are definitely in a period of high-tide learning here, too, and in spite of me attempting to prod them towards Candlemass/Imbolc crafts and activities, I instead still have a house full of little Vikings.  One of them pinched my drop spindle, and demonstrated again that she is considerably more proficient in its use than I am.  They also baked their ancient-recipe loaf, insisted on eating period-appropriate foods all day, and did some weaving once I finally sat down and set up little lolly-stick looms for them.





Oh, I did persuade them to make candles with me.  And they took very little persuading to eat candle-shaped snacks (though they were very annoyed with me that they "weren't Viking" - I pointed out that Vikings certainly would have eaten chocolate wafers if they could get them, and anyway, watching Muppets From Space after lunch wasn't a really Viking activity, either)!


Also, I have no logical reason for finishing this post with a picture of yarn.  I just love the colours.  :)

Seven Days (of tired babies!)

1. Hiding out from party noise
2.  Companionable evening
3.  Baby detests the car seat, but unwillingly goes to sleep in it clutching my finger.
4.  Samhain glowing faces.
5.  Evening knitting.
6.  A quiet day.
7. Darkening skies and sling naps.

Saturday Thoughts

Outside my window... the hedge is bare and newly cut.  The sky is grey, and the reddish tiles of the terraces across the road are oppressively close.

I am thinking... about how very blessed I am to have these wild free beautiful children.  I am dreaming in fairy tale archetypes.  And planning new ways to work the tiny space of this house into a restful place I actually like to be.

I am thankful... for baby smiles and the colour yellow.  For cups of hot tea, goodbye kisses, picture books and cotton yarn.  For spiritual encouragement and cold wet grass under my feet as I run to the washing line in the early morning.  That Morgan's trip to the dentist went so well and easily, and she felt so very confident and calm.


In the kitchen... the dishes are piled rather high, and all of the food plans are in disarray, and lunch ended up being rice crackers, cheese, boiled eggs, mince pies (my first this year!) and strawberries.

I am wearing... stripy pyjamas!  Comfy and warm.  :)  It's just not a getting dressed kind of a day.

I am creating... I just cast off the last of some little collecting pouches, and some toddler welly socks are next on the list.  I just finished some more custom dyeing, and I have a list of Christmas knitting barely started.  I hand-sewed a kit bag for Jenna's new dance class, but it isn't quite done yet.

I am wondering... what goes through this funny little baby head.  She seems to have forgotten that her tongue is hanging out again...

I am hoping... we find the document for the car key code so that we can get a new key.  The alarm goes off every time we open the car at the moment (yes, this IS the new one!) and it's grating on my nerves.

I am looking forward to... some fun outings for the kidlets hopefully, this month.  But mostly I am SO looking forward to Martin getting home this evening, and beyond that, Martin having a few days off.  We planned for him to take holiday this week, but now it looks likely to be at least another week before he can.

I am learning... all over again the slow steady dragging crawl out of depression, how to cling to the good, and how important it is to remember to meet my own needs in the tug of small hands and chorus of small voices.

Around the house... I have one less child for a while, as she walks around the reservoir with my mum.  Morgan is drawing while she listens to some classical music, and Rowan is running around rescuing sea creatures with the help of some small plastic Octonauts.  Talia is crawling around with a crayon in one hand and an expression of determination.  Where she is taking that crayon is anyone's guess.

A few plans for the rest of the week... going to visit friends further away (just for a day trip).  I think a fairly normal week this week.  Library, swim, that sort of thing.  Next weekend should be fun, as it's Derby Feste and the Woodland Festival at Elvaston Castle, all rolled into one mad weekend.  :)

A peek into my day...



Simple Woman's Daybook

Seven Days: and thoughts on this long Sunday morning

1.  Pizza Hut after a morning helping out with a friend's garden
2.  Batik play silk: hand making happy
3.  Apples - the only real crop I managed this year
4.  Here comes the new car, same as the old car ;)
5.  Morgan's train track person
6.  A corner of our living room

Reading - Irish Fairy Tales on my e-reader.  Just about perfect for how I'm feeling (and my limited attention span) this week.

Noticing - how overgrown the hedge has become outside my window!  Bright green shooting up to obscure the terraced tiled expanse opposite.  The window hung with rainbows and tissue stars, bunting, stained glass and crystals, chimes and driftwood.  Two little figures standing side by side using the window ledge as a table; Morgan writing in her journal, clutching the key tightly in her hand as she writes.  Talia barely coming to Morgan's waist, trying desperately to reach, to join in, to see what is going on.

Eating - home made chocolate croissants for a very late and lazy Sunday breakfast on yet another day when Martin is working.

Needing - an hour or two (precious luxury) to paint, and even have a bath *on my own*.  Well, a mama can dream...

Planning - trips and adventures for our unschooling year.  Food shopping for the week (and a packet of Hershey's kisses for Rowan who missed out yesterday).  Lots of planning here, lots of beautiful new journal pages and rainbow fineliners and dreaming big and making space for new things.

Making - a knitted shawl commission is so close to being cast off.  I keep promising myself that the next thing I make will be for me!  Maybe this time?  :)

Feeling - stretched to breaking point and very tired.  Perhaps an afternoon out of doors will help ease that - or maybe this discomfort is a kind of growing pain, something new being born.  I am feeling - not broken - but perhaps on the edge of something.

Windows into our lives

Looking through my photographs today, I realise I have been taking more than usual this week.  Perhaps the gradual crawl out of a dark place.  Perhaps the start of the new school year leaving me feeling a little bit anxious to document, so that if/when the LEA start pestering I can feel confident of my defence.  Perhaps it is the gentle push to keep records FOR the girls (rather than "about" them) thanks to Lori Picket's book.  Perhaps it is the energy and joy of the upswing in the cycle of our lives, the balance to the emptier calmer times when we do less and process more.  I don't know.  My camera is in my hands a lot, whatever the reason.

At one time I would have worried that the camera was coming between me and the moment, a distraction, stopping me from being engaged.  Instead, I have found over the years that the drive to capture only comes when I am more emotionally available.  And the lens helps me to really SEE the beauty in the ordinary.

Yesterday we spent the morning at sling meet, then most of the afternoon between the living room and garden.  Tree climbing.  Reading.  Watching Avatar.  Talking.  Play with the dolls house and lego.  It was another good day.  

Today has been faster paced, more home-based, but much busier.  Helping Daddy change a bulb.  Train tracks and other puzzles.  Reading reading and more reading.  Playing doctor and using the reference books from the library.  Garden play.  Pottermore, French lessons, and phonics, taking turns on the computer.  Weaving.  Maths: rounding to the nearest ten and the nearest hundred.  Cooking (Jenna made lamb stew all by herself).

Morgan:  "STOP IT Rowan, I can brush my hat myself!"







I'm off to eat the delicious smelling dinner my big girl made, now.  :)  I'm feeling very blessed.