A Minecraft Party

Having a birthday at the end of the Summer often means Jenna only has a couple of friends available for her party. She loves celebrating birthdays and wants her party close to her birthday, but this week is filled with last minute back to school preparations for so many of her friends and last minute efforts to go away as a family for others. So  I thought we might end up with twelve kids coming. Instead, our little house had almost thirty people in it. What an AMAZING birthday party!!



(I had to bring out extra jelly and extra cake!)

We played "hunt the mobs" with little hand drawn pictures of a spider, Creeper, and Herobrine head. The kids did a *lot* of squealing and screeching and running around pretending to be zombies. We fired a paper fireball into a cardboard Ghast target. And ate every scrap of party food.



As people started arriving I realised I hadn't really put any decorations up, so I grabbed a giant paper bag and turned it into a slightly wonky Ghast. It's still in the corner of the living room; the children have told me that it's their pet and it has to stay up because it likes living here.


I also made two Minecraft birthday cakes (square sponge cakes with jam in the middle, white icing cut into squared icing "drips", and glace cherries on top). I didn't take pictures of them before they were demolished, I rather hope someone else managed to get at least one picture (I was rather proud of them)!

Darley Park Concert

Getting there was stressful. They were all quite tired already, though at least the two smallest had been persuaded to take a nap in the afternoon. Then wrangling them all into warm outer clothing ready for the chill of the night air. Finally getting to the park and winding our way through the crowds to find friends was such a relief.

This was a year of firsts. Without a car we had thought it might be our first year not to go, with late night buses not being the best fun with so many small children.

Instead it was the first year I didn't breastfeed during the concert. The first year I didn't have even a momentary blank terror when a child makes a run for it through the thousands of concert-goers. The first year I bought sweets in our picnic (and bought more than half home, too). The first year I've had a one year old there who didn't cry at the fireworks (in fact, the first year in six that none of the children were even momentarily afraid of the loud bangs). The first year we haven't ended up sitting next to a large group drinking and smoking. The first year I haven't had to apologise profusely for a knocked-over drink or stepped-on picnic when the children played and danced.

So yes. We go home at almost eleven o'clock, and the children were still up bright and early this morning. But it was the best concert on the park ever.

To Pieces

Right now I feel as though if I were touched or spoken to, I might shatter like glass under pressure.  Every nerve is jangling from the noise and bickering and touching and needing.  It has been one of those afternoons when everyone is hurting and taking it out on each other and I wonder what on earth I am doing - why am I here?

It started the way it always starts, these terrible days, with me already feeling tired and wanting to be alone.  For me, my period means a drop in milk supply, and Talia responded as babies tend to, by wanting to nurse more.  For me, it also means operating at slightly-dehydrated-headache level.  I don't tend to drink enough as it is, but at this time of the month I need to be drinking more.  And I don't remember the whole "put on your own oxygen mask first" thing until it's too late.

So by the time they have all hurt each other and emptied the bookcase (again) and torn up a journal and hurt each other some more...  When Martin walked in, I was in tears.  At least at that point if I'd run screaming from the house there would be another adult who could not possibly do a worse job than I had!

What is it that keeps me here, that ties me to them, to this life, so that I could never escape it no matter how far I ran?  What is it that keeps me loving them on the worst of days?  If you offered me a trade, even right now, I wouldn't take it - couldn't.  But oh! I understand now how it is that, from time to time when everything is breaking, a parent could.





In the crook of my arm, the heavy head of my baby rests so gently.  Her skinny shoulders are still downy.  Her eyelids like bruised rose petals, her mouth dimpled and her cheeks cool to the touch.  The need that terrifies and overwhelmed me before steadies me now.  She needs me.  It is enough.

Toddler

She loves the sound of her feet on the ground. Stompstompstomp she runs one way, then STOMP STOMP STOMP back again, grinning. She has a little stomp-y run with her feet lifted high off the ground and her arms pumping at her sides. Delicious!

If the noise of her feet isn't enough, she adds a little extra. Whenever she is moving, there is sound. Lerdle erdle erdle erdle is a favourite. And Uhuhuhuhuh when the ground is uneven. Constant motion = constant noise!

She knows an incredible number of words, a sheer volume of untested experience that she understands but hasn't had the time to try out yet. Every day she comes out with a few more. Over the weekend we discovered that she knows the word "panda" and also (fantastically) "croco-dillo!" Close enough, little one. :)

When I tell her something she doesn't like, she mimics the sisters' expression. "Whyyy?" Little arms folded, chin down, pout, ack I MUST NOT laugh and offend her baby dignity.

If I ask her why she did something, or why she wants something, her answer is always, "because..." She intuits these words of power and their uses, but not HOW they are used. Still, if explaining sometimes works for the people around her, she will try valiently!

She is so nearly two. :)

Grumpy

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling very very noise sensitive. We all got very grumpy with each other when my little wild things were feeling manic and drumming on the furniture with knitting needles, and I just wanted to sleep. In the end, to avoid shouting, I sent them to play in their room, where they both fell asleep.

This morning they all slept in a little, except Roo, who was up ALL night feeding. Why? Why? You have been sleeping for ages, and now the not sleeping again?

Ah. Then she started coughing this morning and her eczema is a little inflamed. Oh, GO AWAY lurgy. We don't have time to be ill! We have PLANS. *sigh*Well, I suppose I am going to have to get to grips with my mood, and make new plans, that involve more resting and some of our elderberry cordial (hot, with manuka honey).Ah well, another time to take stock, evaluate, prune down to our barest need, and snuggle in together. This too shall pass. :)

Grateful List

I feel inspired to write a list of things that reminded me today how good life is and how many reasons I have to smile. :)

When I woke up, my baby smiled at me. My first thought, before "what are you doing here" and "how long have you been feeding for" was "wow, I am so lucky to have you in my life!"

I saw the season table and remembered that Autumn is rushing in on me with its crisp golden sweet smokey scent. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Autumn?

The pair of burnt down candles (and two smaller ones for the older girls) were out on the table. I have two big Shana Tov posters up on my wall too. I am so grateful for the passing on of wisdom and the generations of faithfulness that have assisted me in learning about my heritage.

My wool winder, clamped to the children's shelves, has been played with. I love that they use real things. I love that they love wool. I love the meditative quality of winding wool, working with wool, traditional crafts. If this seems incongruous to come after the previous statement, who am I to say what God does and does not find sacred and worshipful? ;)

There is some corn ripe in my garden. YUM.

Bread dough proving overnight is ready to throw in the oven. Mmm raisins. Mmm cinnamon sugar!

In spite of the current teething thing with Roo, my children are so incredibly healthy and full of life! Their noise is joyful and uninhibited. And I'm usually a grumpy sod about it.

Things are going to plan, and the plan is helping us to enjoy ourselves together more and find our footing through the day. And I'm getting better and better at adapting it to our needs rather than trying to fit US to IT.

Jenna read to me again this morning. :)

I am sitting in an actually *clean* living room where my children are happily playing together and eating apples off the tree in our garden.

There is a lot to be thankful for!

Disconnected

Struggling again a little, just normal things that feel hugely hard. Noise, mess, noises that go on and on with no apparent meaning, children making a mess as I try to tidy up, whinging from older children who don't understand why I'm in a bad mood and suspect it's their fault (it isn't, oh it isn't).

The more low I get the more paranoid I get - I start to think that their normal attempts to get me to behave normally are their attempts to break me... And the more unhappy (and snappy) I get the more they go for the really DIFFICULT means of asking for what they need. And I don't feel very attached right now.

Taking Rowan's crying and Morgan's shrieking and Jenna's stomping personally is just the smallest part of it. But all are indications that depression is taking over rational thinking. When I get to the stage of not wanting anyone to touch me or talk to me, my first thought is that I am a terrible person for feeling like that. My first thought probably *ought* to be, "that is the depression talking - we've got past this before and we can beat it again". And we will beat it...

The things I can fix are in hand. I've totally rearranged toy storage and am half way through a huge tidy up because when I'm depressed I cannot operate with mess. Also I'm hoping that having the play kitchen in a little toy corner and the other toys in baskets in the main living area will help them to access their things and rediscover some forgotten playthings, and hence not want me to occupy them myself so much!

I'm also eating much better, having spent Rowan's growth spurt eating up any junk I can find (lol in my house we're talking plain crisps, home made cake, and organic dark chocolate, but still)... Chamomile tea, nuts and seeds, fresh vegetables. Soup for tea, with wild salad and garlic mushrooms.

I hate feeling disconnected from the children but I also know that I don't have to act how I feel. Even at my most irritated and tired and tearful I CAN keep doing the minimum; can feed us, protect us, clothe us, and avoid yelling (much). Yesterday's outburst is behind us and I can get through this. Again.

More spring crafts

So, some of the things we did the other day all finished, and some daffodils made yesterday. *grins*







I'm impatient with bump, therefore finding it very hard to stay patient with noisy, lively, needy, distructive, (normal, happy, lively, funny, brilliant) children. If I could just shut myself away for a while, take a Mummy Timeout until I feel less on EDGE... Anyway, can't do that, so need to find a way to reconnect with them without too much noise or any of the other things that make me want to shout til I lose my voice... More art is needed around here.



I'm thinking I might need to wash our messy mats now though. Otherwise I'm going to get yellow knees if I use them to birth on.

More resting and rattiness

Still all out of sorts over here, but we made some bath stuff yesterday and generally managed to avoid getting too fraught with each other - as usual resorting to craft and planned activities is keeping us sane (ish).

They were still pretty hyper, but far less yelling and generally childish behaviour from me lol. Ths picture provided courtesy of Jenna. ;)
Today (again!) we needed fresh air, so out for a walk.


Unfortunately it ended up being a very long walk, and for about half of it Morgan threw a total paddy and the only way to calm her was to wear her on my front. So now I ache ALL OVER and my bump especially feels very strained. :( It just seemed easier than standing at the roadside for another half hour with a toddler screaming blue murder... But now I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks and hve struggled the rest of the day to not become control-freak mummy against a tide of happy (but noisy) messy play.

Again, crafting kind of helped. Thanks to Claire for the felt-patch-making inspiration!

And now, as we've only just managed to get the house so that you can walk across one room without stepping on something horrible, we are going out for tea. We got paid today. I just wish an evening off could be, like, a week off. Ideally in fact I'd much prefer to just be allowed to sleep through the next three weeks and wake up in labour, but no such luck. ;)

One ratty mummy, two ratty children

Jenna is fine today by the way, no more throwing up (yay) but sadly she has gone that one step beyond perky that small children do when they've spent an entire day sleeping and have to make up for it. Morgan, being Morgan, is all up for THAT kind of fun.

Wether ratty mummy or ratty children happened first is a matter for debate. I woke up pretty tired and noise intollerant, anyway. And then got jumped on by two VERY lively children who keep demanding that I join in their game/fix their broken project/find them a snack/fetch drinks/pick up something they threw etc. After ten minutes of this, I decided that it was either get some fresh air or find someone willing to adopt them.

We spent an hour on the park (yes, before breakfast) and then I was feeling tired and crampy and STILL ratty (although they were much more subdued and I was even able to smile at Morgan rolling down the hill and getting covered in grass stains). Rather than head home, we went into town to find something to do. Sadly this meant that we ended up eating Macdonald's for breakfast. Which was somehow exactly what I wanted at the time, but made me feel very sick afterwards. Pancakes and something that CANNOT really be sausage and little bottles of milk seemed to make the girls very happy though lol. And not as hyper as I expected...

Then we played in a few charity shops of the sort that don't tick the children off for "testing" the toys. And went to a few of our normal favorite places. Anyway, we came home with fabric dye, organic fairtrade cocoa butter (from our highstreet!), vegan soap flakes, and organic apple juice concentrate. Now we're going to paint something... And make a massage bar. I think. :)

We're still all a bit out of sorts (and I'm still feeling all-over shattered) but I'm not about to start screaming. I hope.

A slight moan

Someone has caffinated my children again. Is it really normal to have even the four year old randomly bursting into tears, screaming, or laughing manically at nothing?? I'm exhausted!

Just this week I haven't been able to stop watching them for more than a couple of seconds without someone getting hurt or something getting broken or similar. I have no idea why. Generally the shouting is pretty under control - but when I go to the toilet and come back to find Morgan quietly pouring her breakfast cereal onto the sewing machine? Not so much.

Today, there is peace and quiet. And I have a huge long list of things that I want to get done. But my body just wants to sleep.

The Two Thing

I won't use the phrase "terrible twos" to do anything other than deny its existance ;) but sometimes two IS very tricky. :( I refuse to believe any age is in itself horrible or simply a trial to go through. Every age and stage has its own sticky patches, and every personality has its own tricky spots to negotiate. I clash with Morgan differently at different events and different milestones than I did with Jenna...

But...

ARRRGHHHH when will she be able to tell me what's wrong with WORDS?!

At least once a day Morgan hits some kind of obstacle, and begins to screech. Not only is Morgan VERY VERY loud, but she also has perfected the nails-on-blackboard noise that some toddlers are so good at. Now, I'm trying to see the positives to this trait of hers, and I'm *glad* she isn't a pushover and has learnt to cope with her current inability to express herself clearly by any other means...

But...

Yesterday she screamed and hollered so loud for so long, with me trying more and more frantically to understand, until I had to rush off to be sick from the stress and noise, and she followed me howling. The more it gets to me, the more distant and/or panicked I get, and the more frantic it makes her. I just can't wait for her to be able to talk more. :(

All I can say is, for the first time in five years, I understand why parents of toddlers screaming in shops would buy them sweets just to stop the noise. My previous self would probably have not used the phrase "rewarding bad behaviour", but I might have thought it secretly. Now I just assume they have a toddler who can make a noise like Morgan can, that every fibre of my being wants to shut up at any cost.

Bad Mummy moments abound right now. This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass... :S

Oh my poor head...

I have told my children to "SHUT UP!" at least twice in the last hour. I don't know what this blog post is *for* except to say that this is not a parenting tactic I advise, and maybe to demonstrate once more for the doubters that I am not a naturally gentle person.

How many times in five minutes can one person hear the same line of one song?? How many times in four hours? How many times does the toddler have to shriek a banshee-like protest at the pre-schooler picking her up AGAIN after being told to keep her hands to herself at least twice that number of times?

How is one human being supposed to keep their sanity with this, for days at a time? I haven't felt this frustrated for weeks - maybe I don't have the energy to notice stuff that bugs me when I'm throwing up every few minutes (or maybe locking myself in the bathroom is the answer to the noise issue).

If it weren't tipping it down I could turn them out into the garden, but even I'm not that mean. Actually, I AM that mean but I don't want to be cleaning mud out of my carpet for the next few weeks.

Breathing exercises are not cutting it. I need earplugs.

Better week, worse day

Well my awful mood didn't last too long last week, I had a nap and Martin cooked tea for us, and generally my week has been better since then. I'm struggling a bit still with feeling like I don't want to be around the children and they are so NOISY (the more impatient I get the more noisy... or maybe I just *imagine* they are being more noisy). We actually had three or four good days until today when I'm back to being utterly disconnected and angry with them. I screamed a couple of times at Jenna and then went and cried upstairs.

When I say I screamed, what happened was that I sent Jenna for clothes. She came back with trousers, pants, socks - no top. I sent her back for a top. She came back with nothing. I sent her for a top (still nursing Morgan). She came back with a jumper. I dressed her in what she had so far, and after VERY CAREFULLY EXPLAINING, sent her for a t-shirt. She came down wearing a nightie and nothing else, having taken off the trousers and underwear and left them somewhere.

I yelled, said we were too late for swimming now. She howled, I screamed ARRRGGHHHH (pretty much). I got up to try to find clothes as we were now really late and probably not going to make it whatever I did. Morgan climbed back up as I tried to get nappies together and pulled down my top, scratching me and making me bleed. That's when I went upstairs to cry.

Martin has got the afternoon off to come and rescue me, which I'm so incredibly grateful for I can't say. I don't want to feel like this. Being pregnant is making me so exhausted I don't have energy for the little ones, but neither can I be fully happy about the coming baby either. It's the worst of both worlds. I just want to bond with my bump and start being the mother I WAS to my children.

No internet - really having consequences

We have been internet-less for nearly three weeks now I think and I've missed it a lot. I have to say perhaps I've missed it too much! But not really having real life support for so much of our lives I can get lonely and be inclined to lose my way a bit. Everyone needs a tribe. It's hard being separated from everyone and not knowing what's going on in their lives (your lives) and I have wanted to look something up or ask someone a question so many times recently and not been able to.

The girls seem really noisy at the moment, really rowdy and wanting to make irritating repetitive noises. As usual with the baby I put it down to her being a baby (though she really isn't any more) and with Jenna I tend to feel that she should be able to stop herself. This means that all my intentions are not stopping me from occasionally yelling, "SHUT UP!!" and then taking myself to the bathroom where I can lock the door for a maximum of five minutes and get myself together.

Luckily Jenna is just so good with Morgan most of the time that I don't have to think about that too much, and if the door is slightly ajar and Morgan tries to come up after me Jenna calls for me right away and stays behind her as she scales the first few steps. Nobody really told her to do that, she just knows, and she's more reliable than I am in spotting when Morgan has escaped. I'm so thankful for that, for her. She's a great kid.

Also to blame for the stress is that Morgan's sleeping hasn't settled down since she started to walk more. She's still feeding a lot at night - mostly she's so busy in the day time she doesn't feed at all but then will wake me every couple of hours for milk at night. Wake me properly too, to be up with her for more than half an hour just laying her back in the bed when she starts to climb and trying to get her to stay latched on for more than a minute. I'm tired!

Thoughts on diplomacy and babies being noisy

There is this thing about the volume of noise your baby produces. It goes direct to your ears in a way that no-one else’s children do… This is how, I suspect, I could come home thinking that Morgan had been a little sod today when everyone else commented on how quiet she is…

Anyway, my Children First training is now over. I am very glad I don’t have to redo that two day course. Very glad indeed. It was kind of held over me that if Morgan wasn’t “good” I’d have to do the training another time, so I was ultra stressed.

I’ve also been a little stressed about being online. I don’t know quite what to do about it. I just keep either getting into rows or sitting on my hands feeling I can’t actually say what I feel on any given matter or I’ll upset someone. Maybe my diplomacy is going downhill. Or maybe society is. ;)

It comes down to this. I’m not afraid of being judged. I’m not afraid of hurting people. I’m afraid of a contorted mixture of both of those – I am truly hurt and afraid by the idea that I am appearing to judge other people.