Tenth Anniversary

A while ago we had concocted a crazy plan to go up to the stone circle on the moors and make fresh vows to each other on our tenth anniversary. Our church wedding was perfect and meaningful to us, and we didn't feel the need to have anything that looked or felt like a repeat of that, and we wanted to be outside somewhere in the cathedral of nature. So although not pagan ourselves, we fixed on a spot that has been spiritually significant for a very long time.

Yesterday, as we drove higher in to the wilds, a white blanket of fog rolled down upon us shrouding the moors in mystery. We couldn't even see the path. Hmm, we thought, maybe best not to go up to the Nine Ladies... There was no way our plans would be wise or safe in those conditions. Instead we took a little trail up into the birch woods until we reached a sheer cliff and a mossy stack of mill stones. It felt right.



Ten years; every possible up and down. Injury, illness, loss of family members, periods of depression and a child in hospital. The year when he almost walked away from our marriage - and the month when I almost let him. Four beautiful healthy happy children, so much learning and loving and living. The best of adventures. Travels and sunshine. We are still in love, and still best friends.



We renewed our vows to the sound track of Talia playing on the Poisson Rouge app (because she kept wanting to run towards the very steep drop nearby). We all got thoroughly muddy and cold and wet. The mist muffled every noise, eerily changing the familiar landscape. It was an exceptionally memorable day. And beautiful, in every way.

Yarn Along - some solid coloured merino knits, for a change

So, on an otherwise pretty stressful day earlier in the week (grumpy toddler induced), I finished the black garter stitch slouchy. :)


And then cast on chevrons (fingerless mittens, without much of a plan except to enjoy using some bright solids, and to evade the horribly delayed second Low Tide which I'm still procrastinating over):


I am also desperately looking forwards to a peaceful few minutes when I can finally make a start on my new book! So far this week I haven't been getting much reading time (but in the evenings Martin and I have managed to watch a couple of the Avengers movies since we're SO behind). We're starting to get some evening time together, and Talia is sleeping longer - but still getting up crazily early of course. *yawn*

Joining in with Ginny and friends again (early, for tomorrow!), for a weekly round up of our knitting and reading. :)

A Seventh Birthday

Nobody even woke up until after 8am, and Morgan pretty much grinned from wake-up until sleep (except when a camera was pointed at her, of course). Everything was just the most wonderful thing ever. She is just so contented and easily pleased! Her birthday gift from us was a sweet little doll from Ladybird Doll Studio - Ponyo. And it was love at first sight.





Morgan chose Italian for dinner, and of course Ponyo had to have some too.



Right outside the restaurant was the winter ice rink on the market square, and Martin and I did that silent parental conversation over the table, eyes only; yes she'd love it! - have we got enough money? - maybe, shall I go check now while they're busy eating? - go go go - YES we can do it today! - shall we tell her? - no, wait til after the meal!



They were so surprised! :) It's tricky standing up on the ice, though.





I've never seen a bunch of children so darn happy to be falling over so many times!

And, well, cake. (She asked for a victoria sponge with real cream, and glitter on top. So that's exactly and precisely what she got. And a bright blue candle in the shape of a number seven.) By the way, this is an accurate depiction of Morgan's expression pretty much all day...



"Best birthday ever", apparently. :)

Day Book from a day of re-enactment and summer warmth

Outside my window the sky is brightest blue with tiny high wisps of cloud. It is a true summer's day with the barest breeze, the girls and I are all in summer dresses (actually, not all, the baby has been running around bare since we got back from Wollaton hall.

I am thankful for healthy joyful inquisitive children. I am thankful for the tax rebate that means we have a car again. I am thankful for the soothing repetitive work of knitting my shawl when I am tired and frazzled. I am thankful for this gentle, present, patient husband of mine.

In the kitchen... oh gosh, well I left a total disaster area in there this morning when I made our picnic. We had caramelised onion quiche, couscous with lemon and herbs, home made falafel with yoghurt and mint dip, raw crunchy veggies, and raspberry muffins. And I left all the washing up and now *really* don't want to do it.

I am wearing a floor length teal jersey dress and non-matching brown socks, with my favourite headscarf.

I am creating a summer shawl of loveliness (about half way now). I have plans to dye a couple of sets of lovely summer play silks for my shop. There is also more yarn coming (tomorrow, I hope) because I have plans for a lovely fine lace cardigan for Jenna and striped wrist warmers for a friend. :)

I am going swimming tomorrow, I think. We have been throwing around a few ideas for what Mr Martin might want to do on his birthday, and he reckons swimming. Possibly preceded by a cooked breakfast, if he's very lucky.

I am wondering whether my poor rhubarb plant will survive having been attacked by a renegade four year old with a spade...

I am looking forward to a planned trip to stay with Ashleigh in Yeovil one last time before she moves house (and county) over the summer. We will see friends around Bournemouth and Poole, visit the fossil beaches, explore the gorgeous parks, and quite probably eat an indecent amount of icecream.

I have learned several quite interesting things about cannons and cannonballs this morning (as well as having to calmly prevent one of my children from flinging one at another). I am also learning just how wonderful it is for my children when their mother is calm and happy, and not frantic and miserable. I really feel that the sun has been a major factor in this corner we have turned, as well as the positive and gentle encouragement of some wonderful friends.

I am pondering good habits. Just Add Light and Stir

A favourite quote for today: You can't save people - you can only love them.

One of my favourite things is the funny little bop the baby does any time she hears music.

A peek into my day:

Daybook when life is grey

Outside my window - there is a rumble of a van pulling up and unloading something.  Perhaps a neighbour's grocery delivery, or someone returning home after a morning at work.  The hedge is just starting to green lightly - small fresh pale leaves announcing the oncoming sudden new growth.  The sky is a dirty white, dull with clouds, and the freshness of the beautiful Spring sunshine has turned to another cold spell.

I am thinking - about so many things that just make my head spin.  I'm avoiding thinking.  Knitting would be my default zen option at the moment, but Talia cries every time I try to pick it up today.  I am thinking today that there is too much to fit in that I really don't want to expend energy on, and not enough of the things that fill me up.

I am thankful for - colour, Spring, children laughing, chocolate cereal, journals, the husband who scrubbed the kitchen floor late at night earlier in the week, paper lanterns, wool, being beaten at board games by my big girl, chalk, and rainbow felt.

In the kitchen - the children have been baking again, and I am not convinced that their cake will rise.  

I am wearing - cinnamon-coloured yoga trousers, and a green knitted tunic with orange and red flowers.  A brown and red zigzag woven headband.  Warm socks.

I am creating - an organic baby leafy hat.  I have been promising that I'm going to pull out my yellow alpaca silk shawl, but as yet I haven't got around to it.  It's hard to knit for myself, right now.

I am going - to plan a trip to visit friends, because it has been too long and I miss them, and I need to make some wild adventures happen before we have to try to get the car through its MOT.

I am wondering - where I put the camera down.  I want to take some pictures of some little felt fairies before the light goes.

I am reading - An Echo in the Bone by Diana Gabaldon.  I've been warned that she leaves this one hanging somewhat, an I know the next isn't even due out until September this year.  I was *trying* to leave this one and pace myself, but I can't not read it.  Waiting for more books in a series I like is a kind of torture.

I am hoping - that Martin will have an easy shift and be home on time.  I am feeling paper-thin and fragile today.  Jenna had a rage this morning about being asked not to turn the oven on until I went to help her, because this box of matches isn't great and they keep blowing out when we try to light the oven with them.  I ended up crying too.  It's that kind of day.

Around the house - in the time I've taken writing this, the girls have relocated from watching the oven while their cake cooks, to the play room upstairs where they are playing with the wooden kitchen.  Talia seems to be "helping" as I've heard more than one child shout when she tips their game onto the floor.

This morning I sorted all of the girls' clothes onto my bed and have gone through them looking for things that need mending or handing down.  Rowan has far more cardigans and jumpers than one child could wear.  Jenna appears to be collecting underpants.  Talia owns quite a few pairs of trousers (but that's mostly because she still fits the stretchier of the 3-6 and 6-12 month old size ones too).  The results of that labour are still strewn on the crisp freshly-changed blue and white sheets of my bed.

The little book shelves by each child's bed are so full of favourite books I had to take several off each this morning to return to the big book cases.  I rescued a plush velveteen rabbit who had fallen under Rowan's bed, and re-hung Morgan's painted canvas.  I love spending time in their room, among their precious things, seeing their individual tastes and joys written clear in those small spaces.

Down here in my living room, I notice that the cat has been leaving mucky footprints on the window where she sits and meows to be let in.  One more thing to add to the list of things I don't want to do.

One of my favourite things - is putting the finishing touches to something I'm really pleased with.  :)

A few quick glimpses of my day -

A Simple mid-Advent Daybook

Outside my window... everything is frosty and mist-wreathed, even at this time of the day.  The window transparencies are glowing.  The cat is sitting on the window sill staring in, sulking because I fed her a worming tablet a couple of days ago and she still hasn't forgiven me.

I am thinking... about dinner plans and birthdaying - wondering whether to put up different decorations for my sweet baby Talia, and deciding what ingredients we can use up tonight, and planning her birthday cake, abandoned in mid-preparation so that I could eat my lunch.

I am thankful... that when my dear dear husband was finally willing to admit that he has been struggling with depression and anxiety, he was heard by our doctor and has been given swift compassionate and meaningful help.  I am thankful for moments of quiet and seeing my children sitting together with a book, still and at peace with each other.

In the kitchen... the mixing bowl stands with dry ingredients for sugar-free chocolate cake measured out.  I can't resist the urge to make her birthday cake healthy-ish, even though this baby steals sugar at every possible opportunity!  There are still dishes piled up from Morgan's birthday yesterday: a plate with cake crumbs, the crusts of a supper honey sandwich, the baking dish from the fish pie Jenna made for her.  I must get around to dealing with those.

I am wearing...  the most comfortable little black dress ever, which I don't think I can give up even though it's well-worn now.  Purple leggings.  Comfortable ankle boots.  My beautiful birthday amber necklace; a flower with different colours of amber gleaming warmly from each pointed petal.

I am creating...  pink baby socks, lovely cabled cotton trousers, a vest cardigan...  I am making progress on all of them, but the next section of the cable trousers is tricksy and I'm putting it off until bedtime so I can concentrate.

I am going...  to feed the ducks with my baby tomorrow, and out for dinner with my grandma the following night.

I am wondering...  whether any of these little ones will nap during quiet time today after a busy morning!

I am reading...  the tricksy knitting pattern.  I haven't made time for any other reading for a few days.

I am hoping...  that my darling other half will swiftly regain his usual self.  It's hard to see him suffer, and to have things be so hard for us all, especially after so many years of battling depression myself.

I am looking forward to...  every little thing about the rest of this month!  There is SO much to look forwards to.  I am looking forwards to seeing Talia in her birthday crown tomorrow, and helping her blow out her birthday candles.  I am looking forwards to a frosty night time walk tonight (the activity from the girls' advent calendar today).  I am looking forwards to catching up with family and friends.  I am looking forwards to warming my friend's lovely new home.  I am looking forwards to the eighth night of Hannukah and making more latkes.

I am learning...  how walking the dark times grows us.

Around the house...  the chair in my living room is piled high with laundry - my task for this afternoon is to put that away.  Morgan has new blessings bunting hanging above her bed, a rainbow of wishes for a precious quirky daughter.  The marks of sticky fingers and a splotch of errant orange nail polish on my bedroom wall are prompting a desire to redecorate.  The children have hung bits of assorted ribbon on the Christmas tree.  Tiny grains of glitter and white sand are evidence of Rowan spending some quiet time with a sensory tub that ended with me being obliged to sweep the floor!

One of my favourite things...  is being able to dress my baby in garments I knit and crocheted for her big sister.  I love getting things down from the attic as they grow, having much-loved things used and loved over again.

A peek into my day...  

Colour on a grey day

Today has been one of the *worst* days.  I have felt hopeless and exhausted and hurt.  I have also been surrounded by the loving prayers and thoughts of some incredible friends, and blessed by all of the beauty in life and the simple joy of childhood.  I had said that we would have a screen-free Hannukah, but hey ho, life sometimes has other plans and I have such a need of these spaces when life is trying.

The bad: please pray for my husband, all is not well with him right now.

The good:




Putting pebbles from our holiday into the display box at the museum.




A beautiful shawl pin bought with my birthday money.




Hannukah lights for the first night (oh, and donuts too).


Just... enough... light.

Seven Days of...

Finding the joy...


















1. First blackberries
2. Worksheets and folders
3. What happens when Rowan has stickers
4. What happens when Martin gets up early
5. A little girl in my wedding dress
6. In the pet shop
7. A finished Christmas present
8. Games at breakfast time on the (finally clear) dining table
9. Picnic and park peacefulness

Eight Years

Today is our wedding anniversary.  We spent all day outside, had a lovely picnic, rambled around this familiar old place.



For us, spending this day surrounded by our little ones is just great.



(The grim/solemn expression in this picture is, I am told, in fact merely contemplative.)

When it rained on us we went and ate ice-creams under the nearest available shelter.  Because it's never too cold for ice cream.  Especially when you have such a lot, SUCH a lot, to celebrate.

Beauty and Truth

There are days when my voice cracks from shouting, like after this funny cheeky little one has squished the entire brand new bar of soap into tiny tiny pieces in the sink... She has done that twice this month. And started having "accidents" again - though this is assigning more positive intent than she perhaps deserves, when she *tells* me she is going to pee on the floor...

This morning was really bad. Talia cried in the night, the kind of crying that only pacing soothes, and Martin slept right through it (is there ANYTHING more infuriating??)! I pulled on clothes and sling and Tali and stormed out around sunrise, to walk and walk and restore my centre, and not throw things at my husband's head.

I knew he'd worry. I didn't care. I had to wrap that baby up and get out out out of that house.


After a while it occured to me that three little girls would worry, too.

Well, here I am, anyway. I'm home, I'm OK, and I'm feeling a bit daft for the dramatics.  We're all fine. And tonight I'm going to throw things at my husband *before* I start to seethe - it's his turn to pace. ;)

I thought I was a patient person until I had children. I thought I was NICE. It can be harder than anything, not to react how my first instinct tells me to, not to retaliate, to pause and breathe and use my head and my heart. You wouldn't think it to look at the pictures. In the pictures, everything is beautiful and perfect.
Maybe the pictures contain the greater truth, after all.