This lovely baby...

...and oh she is barely a baby any more, and was barely a baby for five minutes altogether. Such a loveable ball of fun, so ready with kisses and cuddles and cheeky grins. So full of surprises, little thoughtful serious eyes taking in everything. Little heart, open to the world.She eats more than either of the others put together! A baby who likes her food!This week she has taken her first step, cut her first tooth, and is on the cusp of... well, of everything. And it is only short weeks until her first birthday!I love this tiny toddler. I love the way she pats my chest and lays her head down on my arm to tell me just how she loves her sweet milk. I love how she laughs at everything we do, and saves those special smiles for sisterly craziness. I love that moment when she realises she is standing without holding on, and isn't quite sure it's a good idea. During a crazy hour yesterday when the girls were all playing, Rowan took a step away from the table without really intending to - then someone roared behind her and she sat down suddenly in surprise!Some days, when I look at them in just a certain light, it breaks my heart - and makes me more proud and contented and filled-to-the-brim than I could ever have imagined. They truly are mine and yet not mine, from the moment they are born until that distant day when they live their lives away from mine. Don't hurry just yet my precious daughters. The world is calling you away already, but there is time, time for everything you can imagine and more!

Precious baby, stay awhile...

Printing and tie-dye fun

So here is all of the girls' hard work printing and fabric painting; the vest with the tree painted on it is all my work, and I helped with the more complicated shapes for printing, but the tiny t-shirt with "fireworks" on it is all their co-operative effort! :)


And a lot of dying, to liven up some pale pale blue and a couple of white baby items. The tie-dye sleepsuit is much more brown than pink, but I took this picture at night without a flash. The giraffe top was a 50p charity shop find in black and white, and Martin hated it. He's much more keen for some reason, now that it is bright orangey-red.


Here I am, wearing the turquoise maternity top that Jenna printed little leaves and flowers all over. You can't see much of the t-shirt, because Morgan is in the way, but to my mind that just makes for an even better picture. ;)


All of the pregnancy weaning urge has faded now, in fact there was less of that than I expected (nursing Jenna in pregnancy I found VERY frustrating), but even those few INTENSE moments of "oh just leave me alone" have gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm still nursing a toddler and so still have those moments to some degree ;) and plenty of times when she asks for milk and I say no because I'm busy or feel like saying no because I'm not in the mood. But then when I take her in my arms it's like that wonderful newborn honeymoon phase all over again, when the tough bit is starting to be just a memory and you can lose yourself in those baby eyes for hours.

I've been a bit quiet about this, I suppose because it's just unusual to talk about breastfeeding a two year old in most circles. But I really love nursing her again, and I've come round from just wanting it to work out and knowing that it's the best thing for us, and truly enjoying the closeness and peace it brings to a very chaotic time!

Assorted further disjointed doing stuff

So a while back I promised a picture of Morgan's birthday present. Maybe that wasn't here, but anyhow, I know you all hang out in the same places lol, so here it is.



We've been doing more Christmassy making, decorations and the like. Today we're all about the paper chains. I'm not sure my house is ever going to be unglued again. Anyway, later when Martin gets home the tree is going up and the nativity is going to take over the mantlepiece and all of the wintery clutter *currently* up there is going onto the season table. So no doubt this week will be full of seasonal pictures from me!



More soap making...



A wire and bead season table make (not for me but shh, it's a secret)!



Scented cookie decorations (apple sauce, PVA glue, and cinnamon) all ready for gingham ribbon and white painted "icing"...

Not sure if the children are coming down with something. Jenna at least is really droopy, and Morgan felt unusually warm last night and woke twice for milk so I'm keeping my eye on them. Once we get the paperchains off the floor and out of the way a little we're going to make fudge (I finally found non-nestle condensed milk!) and then hopefully walk to the post office.

Jenna isn't keen on the idea of going anywhere today, but I'm not sure how long I can stay Nice Mummy if we don't get fresh air. This is my first full day on my own with them in nearly two weeks and I'm determined not to ruin it by being hysterical. Even though when I woke up this morning I could hear little voices downstairs and that turned out to be the children eating tonight's surprise pudding for their breakfasts...

And lastly, can I say one more time that I am REALLY SICK of being told that the best way for me to stop being depressed would be to send the children to nursery/wean Morgan/stop babywearing/slow down. It's these things that are keeping me here, for now, and the last thing I need is to stop the things that make me feel I actually can do this, do at least *something* the way I want to. And can you imagine me dealing with depression PLUS hormonal low from weaning??

"Niiice unk!"

It's been a while since I've written much down, still suffering with the constant sickness. Anyway I thought I'd better update since I left things hanging a little! Morgan did come back in the end. She went to sleep at mum's fine, but mum made too much noise putting up the baby gate and it woke her, at which point obviously she asked to come home. And slept the whole night in my arms.

A couple of days ago I had the startling realisation that I can no longer express even a tiny drop of milk. Morgan had a bit of a graze and I tried to express some onto the poorly, and couldn't! She still nurses, and hasn't commented, so there must still be some milk there... But not even one tiny drop to express. We're not far off the stage which Jenna weaned at, and it made me a bit nervous. But then Morgan came up for a little feed, kissed me, and said (with great satisfaction) "niiice unk". :)

In other news, I've taken Jenna to the ballet (Angelina Ballerina to be precise, not "serious" ballet but really quite sweet). And she has gone away for a couple of days, so I'm only neglecting one child right now.

Morgan and the Other Side

So I'm having a bit of a trying time with nursing Morgan right now - or more accurately on and off for the past few weeks. Disclaimer: I'm really glad to still be nursing her, it is non-optional on my list of things I want for my toddler and although I'm not someone who really enjoys breastfeeding (nice lovey hormonal feelings sometimes, but normally, nah) I don't actually want to wean her.

I just don't have the first idea how to have basic boundaries with someone as persistant as this child!! By this age Jenna was practically weaning herself, and although I'm happy that Morgan is still feeding a couple of times a day, sometimes it isn't just a couple of times a day. She's driving me crazy; I sit down, and here she is, wanting to nurse, trying to help herself, and best of all, refusing the side I offer in favour of "EEE unk" (the OTHER milk). Why??

Then a couple of days ago I found this comic in Hathor's archives, and smiled.



Toddler nursing is wonderful, funny, frustrating, crazy, unpredictable, touching, important, fabulous, connecting, grounding, and sometimes really irritating. Anyone want to tell me how to persuade her to take the side she's given and not want to camp out the second I give my attention to the computer?

Off to help the girls sort out their dispute, before Morgan thumps Jenna (who is trying to put a pair of pants on her against her wishes).

Trusting Jenna to learn all she needs, but finding it hard to trust that Morgan will ever sleep!

So the little one is sleeping badly again! You can tell when she's sleeping all night because I don't think about it, wheras it features pretty large on my horizon when she's had two nights in a row of wanting to feed (which she has just done this week). I have been plagued with that dilemma about whether I should be doing anything about it or not.

The main thought in my mind is that I need sleep. But behind that I can see that she clearly has a need for comfort. If she didn't, she would be asleep, and I simply don't believe that she will come and feed when she doesn't need the comfort any more (because she has to walk along the cold corridor to find me, which is some level of motivation to stay in bed lol).

It's always a balance, is her need greater than mine? Is it time to say no, lay down my boundry, or is it better to prefer her need and keep feeding her at night? I almost decided it was time to tell her no more milkies at night, but then last night she came in and fed without waking me and when I woke up to find her in our bed I decided that shutting the doors on her was just a pointless waste of energy staking out a boundry that I'm not really commited to.

We visited the museum today as usual for a monday, and Jenna raced around explaining things to me and making me laugh. On our way through the cave mock-up with papier mache stalagtites and stalagmites, Jenna spotted the stuffed "miner" dummy that always freaked me out as a kid (seemingly stuck halfway up a pothole on one side of the cave). She asked me, with that intent expression they get, "Is he mining for pretty stones or for coal to make fire?" Where did she get a fairly comprehensive view of the purpose of mining (and coal)? How did she learn that without anyone telling her it?

I feel really stupid sometimes, still thinking that she can't learn without a teacher (ie me) when she clearly is miles ahead just from hearing adults talking and having the world open to her like a book. What could she not learn if she set her mind to it? What would she ever not want to learn when she is interested in everything? Why do I trust so little?

Weaning, reassuring thoughts

My La Leche League meeting today was wonderful, and I had chance to ask a lot of questions about weaning and whether Morgan is likely to during this pregnancy. I was still feeling shakey about it til today, and now I'm sure that if she isn't ready she won't be persuaded to give up without a fight. If she is ready, it will happen no matter how much I try to persuade her to keep going.

This is a helpful way to look at it for me, and even makes me feel a little more that I couldn't have done anything about when Jenna weaned (I did keep trying to offer frequently and she said no!). I wasn't feeling guilty really, but still had in my head that she might have fed longer if I hadn't been pregnant with Morgan. Now I can think of it more as just how things happened - if I hadn't done any sleep training, if she had never been limited on feeding, if she had had a better latch from the start - who knows?

I'm glad to have fed Jenna as long as I did. I'm glad to be feeding Morgan still and for as long as she wants.