Beauty and Truth

There are days when my voice cracks from shouting, like after this funny cheeky little one has squished the entire brand new bar of soap into tiny tiny pieces in the sink... She has done that twice this month. And started having "accidents" again - though this is assigning more positive intent than she perhaps deserves, when she *tells* me she is going to pee on the floor...

This morning was really bad. Talia cried in the night, the kind of crying that only pacing soothes, and Martin slept right through it (is there ANYTHING more infuriating??)! I pulled on clothes and sling and Tali and stormed out around sunrise, to walk and walk and restore my centre, and not throw things at my husband's head.

I knew he'd worry. I didn't care. I had to wrap that baby up and get out out out of that house.


After a while it occured to me that three little girls would worry, too.

Well, here I am, anyway. I'm home, I'm OK, and I'm feeling a bit daft for the dramatics.  We're all fine. And tonight I'm going to throw things at my husband *before* I start to seethe - it's his turn to pace. ;)

I thought I was a patient person until I had children. I thought I was NICE. It can be harder than anything, not to react how my first instinct tells me to, not to retaliate, to pause and breathe and use my head and my heart. You wouldn't think it to look at the pictures. In the pictures, everything is beautiful and perfect.
Maybe the pictures contain the greater truth, after all.

Simply Doing

Well, what have we been up to the last couple of days? Hmm, well yesterday afternoon was pretty much a disaster. Tali cried solidly for two hours again, and I cried too at one point, and eventually shouted at her to stop it (!) and she peed on me, laughed, and finally fell asleep in my arms. Right. 

There are times now when the crying is just overwhelming, and it physically hurts to hear her so unhappy and be able to do nothing but be there for her.  It's hard to let myself off that emotional hook; that if she is crying I must be failing to meet her needs somehow.  All that, "AP babies don't cry" nonsense.  I sit there and stroke her head and repeat over and over to myself "love is enough, love is enough".  That was one hell of an afternoon, anyway, but at least she went to sleep happy!

The Season Table got a Spring update yesterday.  This makes me smile.
I did a bit of knitting too, on Tali's Pebble.

Jenna played reading eggs, wrote her own "spy language", translated a page of pig pen code after I showed her how that one works, and made a necklace for a friend.  And here was me having a panic last month that she wasn't often interested in reading or writing activites and resisted anything I suggested like I was offering her poison...

Babywearing mini so mama could make tea a bit more easily...
Then today we headed out to the museum.

I sorted my kitchen shelves out. :)  I refuse to show you a picture of how badly they needed cleaning.

We also finally had some tax credits for Talia, which meant treats this week! New shoes, rainbow tights, cusinaire rods, mini tea set, and Waldorf alphabet cards. You wouldn't believe how long we've been waiting to get some of those things!

We did try to get Jenna shoes recently, but she vetoed every sensible option and we ended up with a cheap too-big pair of gold suede boots that she fell in love with.  It's such a relief to have nice practical shoes for her now!  And they were on sale too, Mountain Warehouse, £7.50.  Seriously happy.

I think we're going to end up having a sofa day tomorrow though - by the time we got home from town today Jenna was complaining of a headache and feeling tired and hot, and since then the three little ones have all developed runny noses.  Looks like another cold, and another couple of quiet days for us while they recover.  At least it's now warm enough for us to still get some fresh air while they're ill.  And who knows, maybe this will just be a day or so...

Catch up: Climbing

How can we have not discovered AlterRock before? We only live a couple of streets away! And it's AWESOME! :)

My whole family went, for my mum's birthday, though of all the children only Jenna could climb without a parent first doing a training course. The others didn't mind (and got a little turn at the end anyway, because the instructors made time for them especially).

The disused church building is gorgeous.

As I saw Jenna do this, through my lens, I rushed out a "FEET DOWN NOW!" and thankfully she did. This is NOT what a traversing wall is for...

She is like a little spider, I swear.

We took a list of prices home, and can go again pretty cheaply, so we are really excited to go again. It was a wonderful day.

(And yesterday's whine? Well, I'm not feeling much better to be honest - about colic, toddler night-waking, or my abilities as a mother - but I did clean the heck out of my living room last night before bed and that provided its usual odd kind of solace. I really do believe that it will get better. In fact, I'm clinging on to that like it was the life belt and I a drowning woman.)

She hates me

Or at least, that's what goes through my head in those long evening crying sessions. There are days when it just feels personal. When I think this precious beautiful baby is actually deliberately torturing me. When I feel down to my bones that I am a failure as a mother and am specifically failing to meet those very real very present very pressing needs.

I am tired. Right now. Exhausted. Just two or three really broken nights will do that. Tali wakes up a few times a night and requires me to hold the breast for her to latch on easily (sigh), but that doesn't wake me fully - far far worse is Rowan's night waking.

All week Roo has been waking up in the middle of the night, taken her nappy off, peed in her bed, and screamed hysterically because the urine stings her skin. I have prodded Martin out of bed to put a towel down for her and wash her skin with a wet cloth. Then she cries in his arms for an hour. That length of full-on toddler crying from the next room has me lying there in bed nursing Tali and literally feeling like my brain is going to crawl out of my ears.

Then at about 5am, it starts again. Rowan wakes up, takes herself to the toilet, goes back to bed, realises she is wide awake on her own, and starts howling again. I prod Martin awake.

The disturbance with Roo, every single night, has turned me into a zombie. Martin would sleep through it if allowed by me and Tali ;) but the crying from the next room *always* wakes the baby, and then she feeds, and I lie there hearing crying I can't do a thing for.

The horrible thing is, the more tired I get, the more I find it's Tali who gets the blame. Colic by itself, when I'm getting actual lengths of sleep, well, it's no fun but I can deal with it. When I'm tired it's just the worst torture. I walk up and down, with the baby in my arms, thinking that she's crying on purpose.

Remind me, colic does get better at some point? Doesn't it?

I am so tired. And so tired of feeling helpless, of being powerless to help - the one who is tiny and windy and wildly in pain, the other who is wetting the bed and clingy and red-raw itchy. This, this hard stuff, this is one of the lessons of motherhood. I can work hard to do everything, be so loving, work as a team with so many loving present people (we are blessed to have you all in our lives - my tribe), I can react "perfectly"... and sometimes still nothing will fix it.

(This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...)

More procrastinating and excuses!

Well here I still am, with posts in my head and scribbled in journals, and nothing to show for it. We have all been ill, silly coughy cold and flu type thing, typical winter stuff, and thoroughly fed up with it I am too. For the second time in my life I got a sufficient temperature to hallucinate and feel dizzy even when lying down. This is worth taking paracetamol for, if ever anything was. ;) Much better now!

Still coughing a lot though, so we're hanging out at home and I'm on Pinterest again (oops) and bloggers who deliver beautiful lacey trays of tea to *their* sick children are making me feel ever so slightly pathetic. Since my offerings consisted largely of fuzzy felt, sticker books, spoonfuls of honey for the coughs, a lot of junk TV, and instructions to stop whining because honestly I *can* hear you ask for water in a normal voice and I *am* about to give it to you and you didn't even have to wait. I'm not the nursey type of mama. Sorry kids. I try.

I don't even *have* pretty china to bring tea in, so there. And I am aware that I used my very own whiney voice just then.

I still can't find a way to get pictures onto this laptop, until I can borrow or beg a card reader adapty thingy from someone techy. Or buy one, maybe next week after I buy Jenna a new mattress as hers still smells slightly from the time someone wet the bed, and I've been promising that mattress for about a month. When I can get my pictures on here, you know I'm going to flood your news feeds. :) In fact, I have been ordered to by a couple of my friends who are most annoyed to hear that Tali has dared to grow in their absence.

Right, I'm about to feed this lot (minus one, because Jenna had a sleepover last night, the only one of us not to have been even slightly ill) and I promised Rowan I'd give her a massage "in a minute" half an hour ago and we're almost due Talia's nightly grump too. Ah well.

Homebody Baby

She's a funny little chicky, this baby. Unlike either of the other two in so many ways (of course) but very perculiar about the level of stimulation she can handle. Jenna didn't like lots of bright lights and electronic noise. Morgan didn't mind where we were and slept through anything in her little wrap cocoon. But Rowan? She prefers to be at home. Out of the sling. On the sofa. Skin to skin.

She won't stay in the sling when she's awake - she gets quite frustrated with that. But even when we're only out in the natural surroundings of a field or by the lake, she gets tired very fast and wants to retreat. You can see desire warring with fear on her face. Tired, overwhelmed, INTERESTED, want to move, need to be still, want to be OUT, can't handle the surroundings. She is only ever really at rest in the living room or the family bed.

It isn't that she is very fractious while we're out. She loves other people and is very sociable at this stage, asks to go to other people to get the view from their arms and cries if I don't pass her over! I'm one of the few people who can see this wanting-to-be-in-hiding-and-out-at-the-same-time conflict.

We all notice later. After Jenna's birthday weekend, visitors on Saturday and then out on Sunday, she was exhausted. In the end I had to swaddle her and sing in her ear in an otherwise silent room before she could feed to sleep. It wouldn't normally occur to me to swaddle her but it was so obviously overstimulation and every time she was nearly calm her little arms would flap and startle her fully awake again!I guess there's always a lot going on in her world even if we're calm and quiet at home though. I love this figuring out of another person, the noticing and adjusting to what they need and who they are in the here and now. Perhaps this is only a need of hers for a season, or perhaps it's a lifelong character trait that we have spotted here. Either way, I love to know that I know her.

Crying, soothing, wanting to soothe

Right, our journey home and assorted random thoughts...

Morgan screamed. She had lost her paper for drawing, she needed a wee, she needed a drink, she needed another wee, she needed to draw in the map book (!), she needed something to eat (which she then dropped), she needed the toilet again. We stopped about every five minutes down the motorway, pulled in on the hard shoulder, frantic screaming toddler unsoothed by anything we could offer. She is intense, wonderful, fascinating, and sometimes utterly unmanageable.

In the end we reminded ourselves that we can do our best to make the circumstances right, but when we've done what we can it's her job to actually stop howling. We can't force her. And we certainly couldn't spend the night on the hard shoulder, where briefly (too briefly) we had respite. Martin was so stressed driving I was worried we wouldn't make it home at all.

So I come on to the ethics of such daily decisions. When is it right to override them and keep going, validate as far as you can but when all is said and done stop trying to fix the screams? I certainly know some parents who buy Continuum Concept philosophy 100%, that naturally a baby would never cry and therefore if they are crying you are doing something wrong. I know one or two who seem to have babies and toddlers who never cry in fact (heavens, Morgan WAS one apart from brief colicky spell - and then she began to walk and screech lol).

And when we are actually talking about a young baby, even there I fail this critera. Colic has been part of our newborn experience every time - with the other two I tried eliminating all sorts from my diet; dairy, wheat, cabbage, onion, garlic, non of it seemed to make any difference. When my babies cry and cry and I can't help them, is it because my helping isn't up to scratch, or because something is wrong that I actually *can't* fix?

There is food for thought here for me though...

About how I can build a climate in my own family of responding and trusting, but actually function when those times arise when I need to decide between the needs of different family members.

About how attachment parenting can become a heavy burden indeed if we tell mothers that babies parented the right way never cry. About striving to meet needs without blaming myself when some needs are unmet (or perhaps in the modern world un-meetable).

About *nurturing* my gentler instincts in moments when I am becoming frustrated because I can't prevent my children from experiencing negative emotions.

About what it is to live with intense little people who don't give up and fall asleep (which in spite of how it sounds I AM grateful for in many ways). About being helplessly present in someone else's distress and knowing that somehow that counts for something anyway.

Itinery for a really really bad day

- Cry on woman from income support who won't let me talk about our claim for Martin's parental leave.

- Argue with doctor about vaccinations.
- Have doctor worry about baby's head circumference because the tape measure slipped.
- Refuse to continue to argue with doctor about vaccinations.
- Remove two children from doctor's cabinet where they are unwrapping sharps.
- Spend rest of appointment fending off Morgan's requests for milk.

- Try to do shopping with two children who have been shut in GP surgery for over an hour. With last £3 to take us through to monday.
- Nearly lose Morgan, who runs out of shop and right into front of moving vehicle.
- Get down the street, in tears from fright, let go of octopus-struggling toddler who doesn't understand what the fuss is about, only to have her walk out into the road.
- Grab toddler and practically throw onto pavement as car turns into road and nearly hits her. Second near miss in under ten minutes.
- Lose Jenna in someone's driveway, where she is disassembling their beautiful white pebbled path.
- Nearly lose BOTH children because they are trying to reach a foxglove before I realise what it is and forbid this activity.
- Nearly leave Jenna behind because she is now trying to poke a wallflower and I am crying again and don't notice she has fallen behind.

- Get back inside house, insist on naptime, take a break for a while. Drink fennel tea (yuck).
- Cry on woman from council because housing benefit claim has been cancelled due to income support delay. Have children wake up and go crazy so I can't hear what she's saying anyway.
- Send children outside, cry on different woman from income support, who agrees that we ought to have been paid by now and she will sort it all out - on monday.
- Problem solve row between Jenna and nextdoor's child.
- Clear up (clean) cat litter that Morgan has discovered.
- Problem solve row between Jenna and nextdoor's child.
- Fix bike that Morgan has enterprisingly tried to take apart.
- Problem solve row between Jenna and nextdoor's child.
- Remove Morgan from side of swing frame, where she has climbed and got stuck.
- Problem solve row between Jenna and nextdoor's child. Shut own children back inside house to prevent further shouting of "I'm not your friend any more!"

- Hold screaming baby for one hour. Drink fennel tea (yuck).
- Cook tea with storecupboard random ingredients and find it is inedible.
- Feed family cereal for tea. Try to get screaming toddler in bed.
- Hold screaming baby for another hour. Drink more fennel tea (yuck).
- Look around at mess and realise that nothing can be done about it without a flamethrower and biohazard suit.
- Put screaming baby down on floor and retreat to computer with cold fennel tea (double yuck) and hope that silence upstairs means children and husband have stopped shouting at each other.

- Next step suggestions anyone? :S

The New Normal

Martin has been back at work all week, and things are really different to how I expected. With three there is so much less time for anything - like breathing, drinking a cup of tea while it's still hot, etc. It is more tiring than I expected, but also somehow nicer, more restful and peaceful. We have a nice rhythm for the first time, well, ever - and I have more self-control and more parenting ability than I have in YEARS! Where has this come from? We are actually getting along, and everyone is getting their needs met - though a cup of tea would be nice.For example, so much time is spent just nursing. One, two, both. View from the left...And on the right..!Not that there isn't any conflict at all... This morning practically the first thing Jenna did after breakfast and yoga was to hold Rowan. And decide to bounce her around until she cried; her poor little head unsuported, and obviously not happy with it. I managed to stifle the mama bear and took her back *very* gently, saying that Rowan Needs Gentle Hands, and that supporting her head stops her from getting hurt. "She said STOP!" Only of course Jenna cried, and asked WHY Rowan's head needs supporting and WHY it hurt her to be bounced. I probably said too much in the end - Jenna keeps talking about Rowan dying now... There must be a place between not being taken seriously, and frightening them - but where oh where is it??!

Rowan is fine by the way. This is her, ten minutes later. :)There is time in our day for dancing. And singing endless nursery rhymes, which Rowan goes totally still to listen to with that odd little baby open-mouthed pre-smile on her face the entire time.
There is time in our day for doing chores. Together. Actually getting the housework done. We are caught up on the washing again (scary!) and I've been doing the washing up during the day, with Rowan in a sling on my back.There is one thing I just can't crack though. 2pm is a nightmare. I just can't get the hang of it!

About an hour after lunch we're just all *tired* - but Jenna and Morgan don't like to nap. So far, having a snack about an hour after lunch, playing quiet music and rolling out a big blanket for everyone to lie down on together and just insisting that we all stay lying down for a while seems like the best option. Only the two times we've done that, I've fallen asleep first, and the older ones have caused chaos pouring themselves drinks in the kitchen and getting out all the toys with small parts (which Jenna can now reach standing on a chair) so that my bad mood has just been deferred for an hour, and they have been just as tired and whiney and sqabble-y (if that isn't a word it ought to be)!Of course, I shouldn't complain about the afternoon dip too much. We used to have one in the morning too when Morgan was a newborn. Since Martin has been back at work we've all got up together and washed our faces and cleaned our teeth before yoga and breakfast, which is doing amazing things for our moods the rest of the day. I didn't think I was organised enough (or enough of a morning person) to have this kind of structure. But I hope I have the energy to keep it up, because it sets the pace for the rest of the day - even when we've gone out for the day afterwards, it seems to have calmed us and brought us together. And that gets us through everything else. :) That and all of the precious time, those moments of complete peace, the connections with my beautiful children.It's like a second babymoon. Including a lovely calming baby massage before bed, just before Rowan was having those colicky spells (which have stopped since the regular massage!), while Martin puts the older two to bed.

Everything is Good. :)

Random scenes of our yesterday activities

(With added thanks for the crying support network, those who suggested fennel tea get extra added bonus friend-points! I drank some last night and we skipped the colic game altogether. *phew*)

This is Rowan early in the morning. I put her down for a moment to get dressed, and saw this serious grunty thumb sucking going on! I took a picture before picking her up and nursing again lol, but I was really very shocked. I guess we breastfeed so frequently I didn't even suspect she would look elsewhere, and she's so tiny to have discovered her hands already in the first place!
Two big girls playing rough again. I try not to comment unless there is an angry face or unless someone protests and the other doesn't respond. After all, rolling around play fighting is fun. I'm spending a lot of time at the moment thinking that I was four once, I was two once, and I remember how frustrating it was to be nagged about every single fun thing in my world. It's against my nature to back off, shut up, and let them get on with things. But they really need it!
Some sewing - I mended my favorite fairtrade t-shirt, with new buttons from the button box. It is a great improvement, not only to have four actual buttons (two had broken) but to have bright non-matching ones. :) I had quite a bit of fun going through the button box too; it was very nearly my favorite toy when I was about seven and going through my MUM'S buttons (kept in an old ice-cream tub with grey-ish peeled-off label on top and broken seal around one corner!). I have just realised as I type this that I am too posessive of my sewing supplies and should start letting the girls play with them.
In the evening I nursed a tired Morgan to sleep. And then was passed a tired Rowan and nursed her to sleep as well. There is not enough room on my sofa!

Another day of multiple posting (sorry lol)

So, how are things? I've been missing more frequent contact with all of you out there, your daily thoughts and all of the goings on in your families! Very excited to be meeting some of you soon at the Green Parent weekend. :)

We're still definately babymooning, though probably doing a lot more than we ought to be. I have enjoyed so much time and freedom, and having so much fun with my whole family together, but it is quite tiring. I don't think I'd babymoon this way again (oh goodness, that sounds like I'm planning another one - am I already thinking about the next baby??!) We're also using the car more than we want to be, but doing all of those further-away adventures that normally are reserved for very rare occasions. At least that's one thing that will be positive about Martin's leave coming to an end in just under two weeks, no more car guilt!

Here is that darling tiny one, resting on the soft cushion of an empty-post-partum belly. How my confidence must have grown to have even taken this picture; five years ago I would have been unable to share it certainly. Oh the feelings come and go, but today acceptance of a body that has nurtured beautiful new lives and is just the way it ought to be. Even if Morgan comes and pokes me to tell me that I wobble. ;)
I've been really slipping towards the permissive with the older girls, and am just getting more whining and unhappy behaviour as my reward. Being "nice mummy" does not have to involve just doing whatever they want... I don't know why it's so hard to strike a balance and meet everyone's needs! I go from yelling to anything goes and back again so often I confuse *myself*. Things are certainly far better than when I was pregnant though, and I'm finding gradually my feelings and ability to have patience are returning - even growing. :)

EC is going more slowly now. On the one hand I'm not thinking about it like I did with Morgan. On the other hand I think overall Rowan is wearing more nappies, because we're out more. I just have accepted, with so many things right now, that showing grace for my children and for other people ought to also be extended to showing grace for myself and the place I find myself in RIGHT NOW. There is this tension between the world I know I want to live in, the world as it is, and my strange place with a foot in each.

I'm being inspired to live more how I want to live, be more as I want to be with other people (especially my precious children). And I think also, bit by bit, I am being given the means to get there. I am so incredibly blessed.

These three who have been my best earthly teachers, oh how each day changes them. Rowan is very colicky at the moment, but so full of her own character and her own strange baby wisdom. She is teaching me a lot about babies, when I thought I probably knew it all already. ;) She is also another lesson in living in the moment.

Morgan is so strong, so willing to be vulnerable and ask for help, so energetic and determined to push through when she needs something to happen. She has a delicious sense of fun, and helps me be just a bit childish too. I highly recommend a good dose of real silly play in every adult day. :) Favorite toys of the moment - anything that can be banged on while singing little made-up songs, and all kinds of wooden playfood (and other small objects) to be mixed into odd concoctions and fed to a family member!

Jenna is especially teaching me about respect at the moment. How the more you give the more you get. How fragile confidence is when someone is intent on correcting your guesses and crushing your inconvenient creative impulses. I say, "oh stop it, just sit still for ONE MINUTE" and then wish so much that I could take it back, because I can remember vividly that same feeling of betrayal I see in her face. Saying sorry doesn't seem like nearly enough, but I say it anyway, and her sunny thoughtful un-self-concious forgiveness flows freely. If only I could demonstrate half of her sweet gracious dignity.

Not feeling right with myself recently

So far this week has been so majorly stressful I haven’t even wanted to get online. It’s exhausting looking after two extra people no matter how much we love them and want them here. Actually it would be easy to blame them for the extra stress but to be perfectly honest I think it’s just me in Mother Mode wanting to boss them about and make everything perfect for them when really I should just let go and it would be fine.

Whatever is up with me though I’m being awful with Jenna. I just can’t stop shouting at her. Martin is the same right now too so between us the stress levels are ridiculous. I’m getting what would be dramatic to call suicidal thoughts – but for me they feel that bad lol – I feel like just going to the nearest shop, buying up their stock of bottles and formula, and dumping both kids on the nearest passer by.

I haven’t ever really truly felt like I don’t want them, so these feelings are awfully hard to deal with. I mean, when I think about it, Morgan sleeps and feeds so well why would I WANT to give formula? But it’s just these voices in my head… Maybe when she cries and won’t feed, maybe formula would fix it and make her sleep and… Yeah you can’t escape those ideas even when you know it’s rubbish.

Besides, I think Morgan is only colicky because of the stress around here! The last two evenings have been awful. :(

In other news, the Jenna Dummy Dilemma has been… erm… solved. :S My drastic solution, which I was never more than vaguely happy with, has somewhat backfired. She no longer steals other children’s dummies! But the one that I brought her this morning to try to get her over the idea that they’re fascinating, has barely come out of her mouth all day. *sigh*

Let that be a lesson to you, what they want they sometimes really really want and can’t be parented out of by sneaky mummy. Such attempts may well be counter-productive. If you don’t want something to happen, don’t let it happen. Trust me on this. ;)

Less Happy Stuff

Last night was a little trying. Morgan didn't bring up her wind as well as usual and was really fretting. She was too upset to be winded, but feeding was making it worse, so the two of us spent a couple of hours trying to make her feel more comfortable.

It was heartbreaking, she had never cried like that before, but I guess also that makes me feel pretty good - that until the tummy pain last night she had never worked up to distressed screams.

Oh, also yesterday was a slightly hairy day for another reason. Jenna has decided that she can carry her sister, and the moment I went to make a cup of tea she demonstrated this new idea. Unfortunately, a friend who was staying with us (and who was in the room with her at the time) yelled, and poor Jenna nearly dropped her little sister. :S Both of them were unscathed. Morgan was disgruntled at being moved when she was happy, and Jenna was disgruntled at being yelled at (and was looking at me as if to say, "what's the fuss about mom?"). In fact she managed to say, "It was a yittle bit OK, I had her safe in me yarms!" before bursting into tears.

Since then I've caught her moving Morgan twice, just kind of shifting her gently along a bit to make more room or to prop her with a cushion, stuff like that. I don't really want to stop her, although it sounds dreadful to say it doesn't worry me that much. Morgan isn't that breakable and Jenna supports her head well - obviously I don't want her carrying her around the room but neither do I want to nag and not let her near her in case either Jenna decides that she hates her sister or decides to try to proove to me that it's OK by doing something dramatic!

So far today has been really great. Morgan and I had a bath, and Morgan cried when she had to get out (again) even though she was shivering because the water had gone cold lol. Then we came down to find that Jenna had had her breakfast and was playing with her train track. Morgan had Daddy cuddles and I got to play with my big girl for a bit. :) It's so nice doing things with Jenna again, we get on much better when it comes to Discipline Situations after we've had a morning laughing together.

Argh no! Normal newborn behaviour!

Last night we had a bad night’s sleep. This would be noteworthy in very few newborn diaries! It was almost certainly because she had slept almost all of Friday in the sling (at the funeral) so her routine was off! She usually has a long awake period in the evening just before bed, and nurses almost the whole time – sometimes it’s even a colicky time now too and she will fuss to be put down on her tummy or to be rocked… But she was even sleepy through that – such is the magic of the sling.

Whatever the reason, she wasn’t sleepy at all and wanted to smile at me and play. Every time I lay her down, even in my arms, she cried! It took a few hours downstairs before she was showing the slightest sign of being tired. But she still wouldn’t let me lay her down. So, unable to find any of our many wraps in the dark and having got the Mei Tai out yesterday to try it (and then forgetting), we had our first play.

I have to say that I love it in a way I never thought I could love anything except a wrap! It was easier than getting Jenna into it when I first made it, and it felt really nice. It had pretty narrow straps so I expected it to be more of a pain. Plus it is so light – I think it will be great for the summer. :) It looks gorgeous too, but then the reason I made it in the first place was the pretty little panel of fabric I found!

I’ve been keeping Morgan busy today, in the hopes that the strange reversed night/day thing won’t happen again. So I haven’t been wearing her, I’ve been face to face with her on my knee every time I sit down (and disturbing her too take her to the potty or mess with her clothes or change her pad or just hug her every time she dozes more than a few minutes!). It’s worked pretty well actually, though obviously she’s grizzly and tired from her all-nighter. The antics we go through to try to get as much sleep as possible…

A few busy days rolled into one

Well the last few days have been so busy I'm writing up four days at once! The 8th we had story time at the library, spent some time in town, and held a birthday party for my mum. Jenna helped me cook, and Morgan slept in the pouch the whole time.

9th Jan we spent in its entirety at soft play. It was great to spend some time with another AP family, and Jenna just adores Aoife! They were lovely together, there's never so much as a brief squabble between them. Morgan wasn't sure about the ball pit, but she was perfectly happy to lie in my arms smiling at everyone and charming complete strangers.

The 10th we had Morgan's hearing test. She was meant to be asleep for it, the letter said they wouldn't do it if baby was awake. But Morgan was smiling again and didn't seem bothered by anything, so they said they'd try... And of course she did it again. No-one would believe from seeing her around that she's just the last couple of days been inconsolable from colic in the evenings.

Sometimes the position that makes it better is lying on the hard floor, but putting her down is really hard when she's like that (even though it's what she wants!). The neighbours didn't realise we'd had her until yesterday! That's how different she is for a couple of hours every day now.

After we got back from the hospital Jenna announced that she wanted to stay at Grandma's, so we lost her for a couple of days. I got an excited phone call this morning telling me everything she has been doing, she really didn't want to come home today. She's growing up so much, sometimes it feels like too soon to let go of her this much. She just got back in fact (11th Jan) and the first thing she wanted to do was kiss her sister, who grinned from ear to ear. :)

Happy New Year

HA! Just reading through this diary so far, you can tell when I've been nursing and typing at the same time and when Morgan has been asleep! Notice the short sentances and condensed paragraphs in the previous entry? Yup, nursing at keyboard again...

Yesterday Morgan was really unsettled, which I guess came as a bit of a shock to the system after the first three weeks. It all went a bit wrong from waking up really. The first thing that happened to her when she openned her tiny blue eyes was Jenna sitting on her head, after which it took about an hour to settle her and get her to feed. Seriously I was almost ready to call the health visitor I was that worried that she'd been damaged in some way to keep crying so long.
And after that the rest of the day was pretty sucky. She fed like mad once she calmed down, and swallowed a lot of air so had tummy ache. So I had to wind her before she was really done with the breast. So she cried for more instead of bringing the wind up. So she guzzled again without even burping up the first lot of swallowed air... A lot of the day she was either feeding or grizzling.

I tried some of the baby yoga that's meant to help with colic, but she wasn't having any of it. We found a couple of positions ourselves that seem to ease her a bit in the end. So it wasn't a wasted day by any means! She likes being held kind of with both hands under her tummy, facing down, and being swung like that. Yeah I know, no head support, but she has the head control Jenna had at four months ALREADY! Another thing she seemed to like when windy was having her feet patted. I have no idea why but hey what can you do?

Last night we went to a party and slept over at my friend's house. All of us in sleeping bags on the living room floor (Morgan in a double sleeping bag with me lol). We actually had a good night's sleep, although Jenna didn't know where she was when she woke up and kept saying she was scared.

She had fallen asleep watching the first half of a film and I think it was a little old for her and had bothered her. :S It was Pirates of the Carribean, and she hadn't seen as far as any monsters or anything, but it must have gotten to her anyhow. Though she keeps ASKING for Dr Who (after seeing the Christmas day episode) and she has a thing for pretending to be a monster at the moment, giggling and growling by turns! :)

I can't believe how easy it is to take them both out places, and do grown up stuff with them. It's really nice. The only thing really is getting them ready - it takes hours. Longer if Martin helps...