10 February 2012

She hates me

Or at least, that's what goes through my head in those long evening crying sessions. There are days when it just feels personal. When I think this precious beautiful baby is actually deliberately torturing me. When I feel down to my bones that I am a failure as a mother and am specifically failing to meet those very real very present very pressing needs.

I am tired. Right now. Exhausted. Just two or three really broken nights will do that. Tali wakes up a few times a night and requires me to hold the breast for her to latch on easily (sigh), but that doesn't wake me fully - far far worse is Rowan's night waking.

All week Roo has been waking up in the middle of the night, taken her nappy off, peed in her bed, and screamed hysterically because the urine stings her skin. I have prodded Martin out of bed to put a towel down for her and wash her skin with a wet cloth. Then she cries in his arms for an hour. That length of full-on toddler crying from the next room has me lying there in bed nursing Tali and literally feeling like my brain is going to crawl out of my ears.

Then at about 5am, it starts again. Rowan wakes up, takes herself to the toilet, goes back to bed, realises she is wide awake on her own, and starts howling again. I prod Martin awake.

The disturbance with Roo, every single night, has turned me into a zombie. Martin would sleep through it if allowed by me and Tali ;) but the crying from the next room *always* wakes the baby, and then she feeds, and I lie there hearing crying I can't do a thing for.

The horrible thing is, the more tired I get, the more I find it's Tali who gets the blame. Colic by itself, when I'm getting actual lengths of sleep, well, it's no fun but I can deal with it. When I'm tired it's just the worst torture. I walk up and down, with the baby in my arms, thinking that she's crying on purpose.

Remind me, colic does get better at some point? Doesn't it?

I am so tired. And so tired of feeling helpless, of being powerless to help - the one who is tiny and windy and wildly in pain, the other who is wetting the bed and clingy and red-raw itchy. This, this hard stuff, this is one of the lessons of motherhood. I can work hard to do everything, be so loving, work as a team with so many loving present people (we are blessed to have you all in our lives - my tribe), I can react "perfectly"... and sometimes still nothing will fix it.

(This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...)

9 comments:

  1. Deep breathes. Think of all those other mothers awake at the same time, doing exactly the same thing. Solidarity in the face of trying times. It does pass, you know it does, little by little, without you noticing, things will change and you breathe a big sigh of relief when you realise you are through this bad patch. In the meantime (((hugs))) and wishing you all peaceful night, preferably tonight, but if not tonight, sooner rather than later. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending loving wishes and prayers to you all. Those wee small hours make even the tiniest doubt or fear into a huge rampaging giant. All will be well. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. it shall most definitely pass!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Coilc does pass eventually. And I realise that it might not be a route you want to go down, but I found DD1 would wear and keep on disposable pull ups (blush) if we called them night pants. They were not nappies at all (to her at least). The problem was getting her out of them. DD2 on the other hand, will not wear anything at night. I'm resorting to slipping up when she's asleep and popping a pull up on. ((((((((()))))))). oh, and just a thought, but would smothering her in barrier cream work?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sending you a hug in solidarity. surely the doctor must be able to give something to calm Roo's poor skin? my friend has to use wet wraps on her little girl. love san x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh I remember the colic, what a shock it was for me when my first baby cried from 4pm to 9pm every evening :( Claire makes a good point eh, it helps a bit to know there is a sea of Mama's all awake thinking oh sweet mercy let me sleep. Would Rowan sleep any better (with a nappy on all night) in your bed? Maybe if you got a bed guard or something and put her between Martin and the guard. I expect you have thought of that though. I wish I could be more helpful. Hugs to you I know how difficult and underestimated tiredness can be.
    V
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. The colic will get better with time even though it doesn't feel like it now. My DD had it and nightimes and evenings were a living hell. You really have my admiration, as I found it hard enough and she is my only child. You are one amazing Mum to cope with it and other children too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Standing with you on the colic :( Jude screams non-stop when I have to nurse Grace to sleep, even when being held, and the rest of the evening is spent alternating between nursing, nursing while shaking her head violently (I'm guessing that's some kind of indication of pain?) and unlatching to scream pitifully.

    With Grace I drank fennel tea at about 4pm and that really improved things - hasn't worked for Jude, but might be worth a go?

    Angir

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hugs xxxxxx It's tough isn't it, but the colicky days will soon pass. You are doing an amazing job, wonderful mama. Holly is 4 and still wears night nappies as she just can't stay dry overnight yet.

    ReplyDelete

Penny for your thoughts? :)