28 March 2008

Better week, worse day

Well my awful mood didn't last too long last week, I had a nap and Martin cooked tea for us, and generally my week has been better since then. I'm struggling a bit still with feeling like I don't want to be around the children and they are so NOISY (the more impatient I get the more noisy... or maybe I just *imagine* they are being more noisy). We actually had three or four good days until today when I'm back to being utterly disconnected and angry with them. I screamed a couple of times at Jenna and then went and cried upstairs.

When I say I screamed, what happened was that I sent Jenna for clothes. She came back with trousers, pants, socks - no top. I sent her back for a top. She came back with nothing. I sent her for a top (still nursing Morgan). She came back with a jumper. I dressed her in what she had so far, and after VERY CAREFULLY EXPLAINING, sent her for a t-shirt. She came down wearing a nightie and nothing else, having taken off the trousers and underwear and left them somewhere.

I yelled, said we were too late for swimming now. She howled, I screamed ARRRGGHHHH (pretty much). I got up to try to find clothes as we were now really late and probably not going to make it whatever I did. Morgan climbed back up as I tried to get nappies together and pulled down my top, scratching me and making me bleed. That's when I went upstairs to cry.

Martin has got the afternoon off to come and rescue me, which I'm so incredibly grateful for I can't say. I don't want to feel like this. Being pregnant is making me so exhausted I don't have energy for the little ones, but neither can I be fully happy about the coming baby either. It's the worst of both worlds. I just want to bond with my bump and start being the mother I WAS to my children.

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