22 March 2008

Resenting Morgan's needs and feeling awful

We've been dying eggs and making candles today, ready for Easter Sunday. I'm not doing quite as well with Jenna (I actually screamed at her earlier for that typically annoying three year old thing of looking for something that was right in front of her - why can she not see it when she's looking right at it, touching it?). I'm also feeling really down with Morgan.

As predicted I was very sick last night and had to spend most of the evening lying down feeling miserable and hating being pregnant. Then another night of not much sleep conspired to make me feel even worse today. Morgan has gone (again) from sleeping through to not sleeping at all, and although she was doing much better in her own bed than in ours I have ended up last night being in with her all night anyhow because she wanted to feed so much. I just got to the point today when I wanted to wean her, when my feeling that nursing her is one of the few things I get right and can do, to feeling overwhelmed by it and like I can't breathe with her in my space every moment of the day and night.

Worst of all is the idea, never fully gone from my mind, that if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel like this! I would be able to carry on meeting her needs and still feel that special closeness to her that I did a couple of months ago. I would be ready to let her wean herself from attachment at her own speed. Now I'm feeling more and more like pushing her away, and the more I feel like pushing her away the more cross I get that she resists it, and the more I want to push - just NOT BE her mother for a while. I feel like me being pregnant has ruined my relationship with her and I just want her to be allowed to be my baby again without my head getting in the way of it and getting resentful of her.

I'm burnt out. And SICK!

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