3 March 2008

You love Morgan more than me

So we didn't get as far as the usual story time this morning! We went into town although Jenna was still complaining that her head hurt and her throat hurt and her ears hurt. When I suggested staying home and resting (and snuggling in a big blanket, with snacks and hot chocolate) she cried, so I figured if she feels like going out and doing stuff then she's probably not as poorly as I think!

I got her some Hepar Sulfate, more homeopathic stuff, for her earache and sore throat. I don't know if it worked or not but she immediately stopped complaining of pain and even when I asked her said she was fine. She seems really tearful now though, whether as a consequence of the illness or the treatment is anybody's guess. We're actually having a really good day, a good couple of days.

I'm trying to concentrate on not nagging Jenna so much and asking myself whether I really need to intervene so much. A lot of the things that irritate me aren't a big deal and if I can find a way to stop leaping on them they might not become quite such battle grounds. We're certainly shouting at each other less, though I think she may be doing more of the irritating stuff (like tipping out toys, which I've decided the best response to is just put some of them away and if she complains telling her that she can choose which stay out).

In town I noticed that she was staying closer, being more polite, and not getting so excited (ie singing at the top of her voice) on the bus. I just explained what I expected and told her that it would make the other people on the bus happy if she could be calm and quiet until we got off again. And there was no conflict; when she got loud I didn't comment and she suddenly realised that she was being noisy and stopped without so much as a glance at me to see if I was approving or not.

As I put her to bed half an hour ago we had one of those little talks that I will never really get my head around. She said, with an air of offence, "You didn't get me a sausage roll in town! But then you took me to Early Learning Centre, so that was nice." Then later, as she was drowsy and I said I needed to go downstairs to check on Morgan (asleep on the sofa on her own), she sat up and said something that made my heart stop for a moment.

Jenna - You love Morgan more than me.
Me - [desperate pause to find something validating] Is that how you feel?
Jenna - Yes. You love Morgan most cause she's the smallest and she needs you.
Me - Oh. [hugs her tightly feeling dreadful] Thankyou for telling me that I'm upsetting you, honey.
Jenna - No, it doesn't make me sad. You love Morgan the most cause she's small, but you love me the most cause I'm big. I'm your friend aren't I mummy?
Me - Of course you are. Do you know I really love you the same ammount?
Jenna - Yes. We're both your special daughters.
Me - Does it still make you sad when I have to go to Morgan and leave you here?
Jenna - Yes. A bit. No, it's OK. I don't want her to cry.

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