A couple of days ago I went searching through my archives to read about Morgan's babyhood, how I was thinking and feeling, how we dealt with the colic she suffered, what she was like at this age. I found this post and was re-inspired by the outlook I found there.
Wise statement on AP.
A few times recently I've been putting Rowan down to get things done, and then resented it when inevitably she has needed me again. If I don't get there before she gets upset I berate myself, but if I go as soon as her little eyes open, before she even looks for me or starts to sense that I'm not nearby, I resent leaving my task even more - because, she didn't REALLY need me...
Partly it's that there are two others now, two big reasons to put her down. Mostly it's that she will NOT tolerate being in the slings unless she is asleep; and she wakes in the slings more easily than she wakes if I settle her on a blanket on the floor. I really feel like I'm missing out on having her in arms so much, even though she doesn't seem to mind and is fairly contented to watch from the floor propped up on some pillows until she falls asleep.
It's harder to keep in touch with Rowan than it was with either of the others. But I need it, and she needs it. Especially since when she's in arms we have whole days of no EC misses, and only one or two wet nappies. I find I have to remind myself why it matters, why I wanted this and why I actually can't afford to fall into the trap of separating myself from her emotionally when I separate myself from her physically.
The less I hold her, the less I want to hold her. The less I want to pull myself away from real life to attend to her. The less I can be bothered to take her to the potty when she has a nappy on anyway, it doesn't *really* matter. But it actually does matter to me, and I know in my heart of hearts that caring for her is more real life than any other activity I could name.
On the other hand, since I read that post, I've been holding her ALL the time again. And the more I hold her, the more I want to hold her. The more I let myself forget everything else and gaze at her, the more I want to be present with her and really KNOW her. I suppose it's that simple.
Love begets love.