14 July 2008

Feelings about myself and all the bad stuff

I have started to feel a bit better about myself, my body, and my fertility or lack therof. OK so I got a bit sick of people telling me after I lost Lael that "at least I have two healthy children," because it still bloody hurts to mourn a child.

But it's true. I do have two healthy children, both of whom I have carried and given birth to, and nourished with my own milk and my unconditional love. I'm still nursing that little 18 month old, and that's something to feel good about, that my body is still able to do this thing for her.

On to one of the things that has helped get me through a little bit of the I-hate-my-body wobble. The Shape of a Mother site. Honestly, feeling post-partum without the baby to hold and make it feel like I have something to show for it, something out of it, that has been one of the hardest things about Lael's death. Silly perhaps, even selfish, but true.

To some degree I am just ready to accept that bad things happening to me don't mean I'm a bad person. And they don't mean that good things aren't yet to come. It's just what happened. I doubt that's any comfort to anyone else going through the same thing, but I've certainly learnt that comfort is not as easy to give as I used to think...

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