It’s tempting sometimes to be satisfied with what I know. To tell myself that now I have particular knowledge and skills it will be better, easier, more like I think my life should and could be. The self-congratulation slips in and I think I have *done* something – and by my informed approach to questions I have *arrived* at something. And it can be that way, it can be easy, it can be good. Just knowing can and does sometimes change everything.
But I have not arrived, the knowledge for the most part has barely changed one single part of how I behave. I am still a person who for all their understanding can be at the most basic hurdle, lost. Lost with motherhood, lost with discipline. These basic things – keeping my patience when I’m tested – these things I can fail at whilst still keeping so many other rules about how I should behave! I am still only hoping and pushing forward for a real and permanent change, a change to who I am and the building of good character.
Knowledge is not really power. Being informed is only being informed. It has not of itself made me a better person than I was yesterday. This week I am drowning.
I know what to do, how to handle things, how to make decisions with what I have. I’m still only clinging, exhausted, to the rock – waiting at any moment for the inrushing tides to overwhelm me and take it all back to the depths. I’m clinging to what I know but on its own it isn’t enough.
Nothing is truly wrong, There isn’t a problem apart from my attitude. I don’t want to try, I don’t want to respond, I can’t be bothered! A painful view of myself to face and to fight. Knowledge is empty without action. Attitude is what really drives us – and although I hope that my attitude can and will be informed by research and common sense, I need to change my heart first.
The heart is the source of our power as mothers, not the head alone.