26 April 2008

What is back to "normal"?

I think I'm getting there... The bleeding stopped, started again, stopped again and now seems altogether gone. I'm feeling more alert and capable, getting a little bit of energy back - I even did some housework yesterday and today (washing, washing up, cleaning surfaces, tidying, hoovering, sorting paperwork).

It feels like I'm done with mourning even. I can talk about Lael without crying, I can think about the birth and the aftermath without welling up. But oh that grief is going to keep surprising me for a while to come.

I have stayed away from the befriending work, because I know I will cry still when I try to answer the questions she will have. I think I'm coping with telling other people, depending on the level of detail they want and I can cope with giving. It's OK telling them about the body, the hospital, but when I try to tell them I'm OK that's when I choke on it.

The feeling of wanting to be pregnant still, wanting Lael back safe inside, is fading. But it's being replaced by wanting to be pregnant *again* wanting to plan for another baby, wanting to not give up on the idea of adding to the family, wanting to be thinking about a labour and a babymoon and such decisions and pleasant planning. I know Martin isn't ready to talk about it yet, and I want to be sure that my body is healed and ready. It's really starting to form a huge part of my day-to-day thoughts though.

Never far from that thought it the idea... It's so nice having two. It's so horrible being pregnant. Maybe this is it. Would that be a bad thing?

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Penny for your thoughts? :)