29 April 2008

Making plans and talking about death

Soft play and another calm and lovely day. The only thing worth mentioning today is that I'm finding it harder than I thought telling people about Lael. It isn't talking about the birth or about losing another baby (I still hate that phrase "I lost the baby" as if I was just careless and forgot where I put it down). It's not that they are sorry for me, or upset at the idea, or anything like that. It's how responsible they feel! Especially if they didn't have prior warning of any sort and asked how the baby is (or how the sickness is etc). Trying to take away that guilt, oh it just makes me well up all over again.

I don't know why that's what hits me the hardest. Maybe it's because it's hard to think that people care that much. Maybe it's that if their feelings are really strong I can't keep myself seperate enough to hold my emotions in. But writing this I'm not holding back, often at home I'm not holding back, and I don't cry then. Just when I'm trying not to cry and someone else looks like they might!

The discipline challenges and really talking about what I want and why I react the way I do is making a HUGE difference (thanks again to anyone any time who has replied to one of those messages or joined in with your own struggles). Jenna and I are behaving so differently together. It isn't action/reaction and me trying to stop her so much, and a lot more of me trying to work with her to help her do what she wants to do. I'm looking at the things I stop her from doing and check off one after the other "pointless / worthwhile / pointless / pointless / worthwhile" and I feel really free. Free from that little voice that wants to scream and shout when she hasn't done anything wrong at all but is just inconvenient to me right at that moment.

The snacks in the bottom of the fridge are really helping too. She helps herself and I don't have to leap up from nursing or get resentful that I only just fed her. I really can't list all the things that have changed. I'm sometimes feeling a bit like I've slipped too much towards permissive and am not acting quickly enough when I actually do need to stop her from something or help her to do something she doesn't really like doing. But we'll get there!

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