11 April 2008

The longest day...

9am : Just called the midwives' office and spoke to someone there. After a few minutes she called back and said that I was booked for an emergancy scan at the EPU tomorrow morning at
9.15am. Only a day away. Suddenly I feel that all will be well, I will see my baby's heart beating away and we will take a picture home with us of our little one and it will be good news. I'm a little anxious but keeping my feet up (even knowing that it probably won't make any difference) and resting with a sense of doing anything I can to keep the baby safe. Jenna keeps fussing over me and saying, "The baby MIGHT be OK Mummy."

2pm : I hate waiting. I'm no good at it. I can't even queue in a shop for clothing items that I urgently need! This is just the longest day of my life, with everything wrapped up in it. I think the baby is fine, it's going to be OK and I'm going to see it tomorrow on that hospital screen. The baby is dead, there's nothing I can do, I'm going to start bleeding heavily and I'll know it's over. I don't know what to think. Being hopeful leaves me with the fear of an awful letdown and a bigger drop into sorrow. Greiving makes me feel like I might make it worse, give the baby nothing to hold on to. Hold on to me, baby. Please hold on.

7pm : Jenna has just been talking to my belly, softly, barely loud enough for me to hear and scribble down what she said in her lovely baby wisdom. I want to bottle this, I feel so proud of her and how much love she has even when she fears hurt and loss.

This is her conversation with the baby. "I love you baby. I don't want you to die. You're doing really well and you're precious to me. I don't want you to die, you have to be safe and grow big and strong. Don't be sad baby, I'm here. I'm sorry I've got to go now, and do this for your own good [cover me up with a blanket] so you don't get cold."

Morgan was loving on Jenna earlier while she was napping. Jenna had nodded off cuddled up to me and Morgan came up and started kissing her gently and hugging her. She's only 16 months, full of sweet baby selfishness, but she adores her sister. How can this baby not feel their love, not be part of this? The sibling relationship is growing every day and so amazing to watch, and I WANT THAT for this tiny squiggle.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Penny for your thoughts? :)