I woke up at five this morning and before I moved I knew I was bleeding. Not a lot of blood, but bright red and enough for me to think that I'm losing the baby, I don't want to lose the baby, this can't be happening. The first thought after this was that this is my fault, that if I had wanted the baby enough, if I had bonded with it, it would be OK. Maybe it knows that it wasn't loved as it should have been? What if it knew?
I told Jenna when she woke up that I was bleeding a little bit and that the baby might be poorly or it might be OK. She looked into my face and said, "The baby might die." I didn't know what to say, but I was glad that in some ways I didn't have to say it. She knew. I suppose she's seen me here before.