15 April 2008

A little better a little easier but harder than words can say

I am feeling physically much better today and my heart seems to be having to work less hard. I can sit up for longer and even made breakfast for the girls this morning without feeling at all faint. I am generally better in the mornings and get gradually more tired until I can barely function in the afternoons.

The next two days the girls are off to see grandparents, with the added benefit that on the days they normally want to go like this Morgan doesn't feed much so I have less worry about that. Gradually I'm feeling more confident in my decision, as she seems to still be fine, but it's giving me a headache the worry hurts so much. I had more reassurance from another doctor today (thanks Ash) and it's still hard but I am dealing with it.

Something that has been so *impossible* this time is that I still look and feel pregnant, and keep looking at my body and feeling awful about it. I'm sure those who have been there have felt this, ugly and horrific because my body failed this baby. Petrified that now it might fail Morgan too. Miserably certain that my body caused this in some way and that a future child will be in the same danger. It's going to take time to get back some kind of confidence in myself.

Martin is struggling to find space to cry, he has been back at work really and obviously that's hard on him. He still wants to fix it, keep the girls from bothering me, make me feel right by feeding me and cleaning the bathroom (yes, he cleaned the bathroom lol). We just lie there in the evening and cry together, the only space we've really found. We named the baby a couple of days ago, Lael, which means "belonging to Jehovah". Don't ask me to write it phoetically but it's pronounced like "layal".

Lastly I just want to thank everyone so much for the tide of sympathy, messages, emails, cards, texts. It has touched us so much that so many people are holding our baby in their thoughts, and supporting our grieving process and my recovery. Those who haven't replied in some way, we know that you are still thinking of us! :)

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