23 April 2008

It's a long road to be walking (again)

It took me a couple of hours to get some perspective on the shaving foam incident. Don't get me wrong I'm still feeling really confused about how much less in control I am than how my head says I should be, but I'm also remembering why I don't want robots for children and why it doesn't matter as much as all that if she acts like a child (she IS a child).

Martin got home and said, with little-boy grin, "shaving foam *is* really fun, I can't blame her for being so caught up in it that she got a bit carried away." He's right, I bet she kind of woke up from that concentrated daze they get in when at "work" and realised that she was going to be in trouble.

Yesterday was *not* soft play, which I only found out after traipsing most of the way there to bump into friends who said that there was a little sign on the door saying that it was off. We walked through town with a big crowd of little girl toddlers in all shapes and sizes, the bigger ones holding the reins of the smaller ones and generally trying to encourage them to be up to mischief. It was fabulous, in spite of the feeling of having an audience being amplified! We joked about getting out the charity cans to rattle to pay for lunch.

Anyhow, on the post-illness/tragedy update, I'm feeling pretty much as I was a few days ago. I reckon that I've made up for the blood loss and although my iron is getting better sloowly I'm doing OK. I would like to NOT be doing OK in some ways, I would like to either be normal or at least laid up so that other people have to do the parenting (even though that makes me crazy, it also permits me daytime naps).

I'm having some really strong feelings about losing the baby still, and about generally not knowing how my life got here and not knowing if I'm ever going to feel happy again. It's that existential itch to be somewhere else, anywhere else, than here. I want a holiday, or a weekend, or a few hours. I'm finding it where I can.

I don't know how to get rid of that feeling just yet but something that did work a bit of magic today was spending the entire afternoon in the garden planting things and generally getting covered in soil up to the elbows. The sun was glorious, and the children spent most of the time brushing soil on and off their little patio area and raking the grass (Jenna) and bouncing up and down on the patio area and falling over in the grass (Morgan). I got a lot more vegetables in too, still with that air of experiment to see what actually grows this year!

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