A friend asked me last night why I'd "want to do this again" and I stopped, shocked. I know it was meant in love and support, but I felt confused. I DIDN'T want to do this again (right this second) and the THIS that I hate is pregnancy symptoms not actually pregnancy. I'm rubbish at it so far, and I just don't enjoy the early bit. The fact is, that doesn't deter me from wanting more children because I can't imagine being pregnant as an end in itself.
The *end* is a child, or rather the *pleasure* I find in it is a child (since it's a child all along in my mind). The actual discomfort and sickness and all of the hassle I go through to make a baby, that isn't something I'm choosing. It's just a side-effect of what I really want, children. I'm glad (though slightly jealous) that everyone doesn't have to feel like this in pregnancy...
But sometimes people imply that either if I want more children I somehow deserve to be miserable and have "brought it upon myself" as far as sickness and general misery are concerned, or that somehow I must like it really and it can't really be that bad if I consider it an acceptable price for having an actual baby! I don't know, maybe I'm not making sense.
I just feel that, especially amongst some of my friends, that they don't believe this pregnancy wasn't planned or they see that as irrelevant since I want the baby. I'm still emotional about it. I'm allowed to go on about it a bit. It is just how I feel. I don't want to feel unhappy to be pregnant and happy to be having a baby, and torn, and confused and unhappy about being confused.
After talking to Martin and thinking some more about whether I'm getting depressed again, I finally got around to making myself a booking in appointment with the midwife, who I'm hoping will help to make things a bit better for me (or possibly refer me to the GP to talk about what medication is safe for pregnancy). I don't want to be medicated, it's just not my first choice in any situation, but I'd rather be myself for my children than carry on not being able to care for them properly. I'm actually looking forward to seeing her now and talking about the baby - admitting that I'm really pregnant in a way.