I cried on Martin again, came over all tearful out of the fear that the baby might know I'm feeling blue - somehow might decide it isn't wanted. I keep imagining I might cause it to miscarry, just as I'm starting to feel more like I want to be pregnant than like I don't! It's silly - I WANT a baby, I LOVE this baby, I just don't feel ready, probably because the "plan" was to start trying in three months or more. It's still helping that people aren't being negative, that other people are happy and excited for us. Some of that is rubbing off. HA and of course I started looking at slings again, which is fatal.
I walked through the park on my way home from befriending, feeling somehow lighter of step in spite of those vague feelings of unhappiness. I spent some time in fresh amazement staring up into the strong branches of an oak tree, remembering a picture I painted of myself when pregnant with Morgan reaching out to borrow strength from the trees (representing my birth partners). The trees were very beautiful today.
Something of the heart is lost in even the most stunning photograph of a tree, I think, and something of the intricacy is impossible to capture in painting. But perhaps in spite of that something sweeping and abstract is more my mood today - pensive and breezy at the same time. Every leaf on that tree is complex though, fractal almost, perfect in its own right no matter how closely you look. It's almost an insult to describe it as "green". It made me feel alive.
Maybe there's a pregnancy symptom to report finally as well - I've been really light-headed today a few times. This is usually a problem for me much later in pregnancy so I've been reading around to see if I should worry. I can't decide if I've been doing anything that might have caused it but I made myself a big fresh salad with dark green leaves and avocado and red pepper, and now I'm trying to think of lots of other reasons why I shouldn't be back on iron tablets again. ;)