I'm starting to feel like this is turning into one long sleep diary. I compulsively record whether or not I feel tired, how much resentment I'm feeling about night feeding, how long I think she's sleeping for. I'm obsessed! I can't see how it's very helpful for me or for her, and I don't intend to stop the "on demand" part of anything (though even that phrase seems just a set-up for adversarial thinking).
But somehow counting the days, slept, not slept, make me feel like I'm in control - by listing them off I can see that things are changing and I'm not going to feel like this forever! We had two awful hourly nights again, for the record. But last night she slept through. :)
Coupled always with, "did she sleep?" is the mental question "did she eat much yesterday?"
She's definately eating a lot more than she was - her shape is changing and she has lovely little babyfat cheeks finally. Her legs are toddler legs now, and her whole body looks less like a baby every day. I love the toddler stage, even the tantrums I can see as such a good thing - and right now it IS a healthy way for her to express her feelings to me, she can't exactly put words to it herself yet.
I'm loving her strength and capability, seeing things I didn't the first time out of blindness rather than because they aren't there. I wonder how many other parents deny what their children can do is "real" or "deliberate" because the books say it develops later? And it's much easier to accept her smallness and fragility too, because I can see between her and Jenna how much further she has to go and how in the scheme of things she can't have too much demanded of her. As much of it is the shift in my perceptions as it is the experience of already having been here with a different little person. I'm owning for myself the knowledge I had from other parents. It's exciting!
A really strange turn of events is that EC seems to be working again a bit, we had three catches today when she communicated clearly that she wanted to go and was worried about doing so on the floor, and I took her to the toilet. It feels like less that she took a break from awareness but more from communicating it. I'm not thinking, "Oh, great, no more nappies!" But if she wants to start using the toilet instead then I won't say she's too small or otherwise hold her back until the proper age.
I went to my first LLL meeting today too, and strangely felt like I couldn't say the words, "I'm pregnant" or even "I think I'm pregnant". It seemed ludicrous to say the words, to let other people believe it, when I hadn't tested. I had so many questions too. The meeting was great though, and it was amazing to be in a place where I'm not the hippy one and in fact am barely amongst the most radical half of the group! There were slings there, and non-vaccinating families, and tandem nursers, and people I felt at home with right away without feeling any desire to apologise for nursing a 14mo in front of them!