15 February 2008

No idea how to react!!

We are telling people already, mostly because I need people to bounce feelings off and I'm not quite sure how to feel yet. We waited until Martin got home to tell Jenna, who bounced around the living room saying, "YAY YAY YAY YAY!!" When we called the In Laws, Martin started with saying that we have news and Jenna burst in with, "MUMMY HAS A BABY IN HER TUMMY!" Three year olds can't keep secrets. My own mum was really pleased for us, and said that I'd "take another one in my stride, " and called me a "confident capable mother".

Last night I was sitting with Martin and talking through my worries about this pregnancy - mostly to do with Morgan. I'm terrified that she might wean and I really don't want her to stop before she's ready. I'm worried that she might not be walking often enough to make slinging two viable. I'm worried that she might still be co-sleeping and night nursing and that I won't be able to meet her needs with a newborn as well. I'm worried that if Morgan weans she might still be night waking and I won't have another way to settle her. I'm worried that my tiredness and worry will lead to my temper getting worse and that gentle discipline will go out of the window. I'm worried about prooving people right (ie that I'm crazy) and about failing.

Worst of all I know that eight months is plenty of time for things to change and that 22 months isn't really so tiny - and that I'm probably making myself a nervous wreck for nothing and comparitively I have nothing to complain about!

Added to that is the sudden realisation - just today - that I really could miscarry. With the concerns and hopes at the back of my mind now thanks to everyone reacting so well and being so happy for us, I feel like I couldn't bear to lose this one. This isn't the same as being totally delighted to be pregnant - yet. I'm delighted with the idea of a baby, and I already feel that tug of a bond with it, but I don't actually really want to be pregnant. Silly but true. I'm sure plenty of people go through this but that doesn't make it easier.

I've spent practically the entire day reading about tandem nursing, about sleepless toddlers, about babywearing two children of different ages. It's often reassuring, usually helpful, and makes me feel like I'm doing something. The best thing has been going back to reading birth stories again, especially the natural birth ones at home and hospital, and even some from the point of view of the Dad. It makes me want to get on at Martin to write birth stories for the girls (if he can remember anything other than wanting to fix it for me!)

Jenna is still telling everyone and bouncing.

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