15 January 2011

Where I want to be

This week I have struggled with finding my place. I feel like some kind of emotional detox is going on, like the frustration and exhaustion has to seep out of my pores and find a voice before I can feel peaceful again. I am out of balance, wanting to be somewhere other than here.

I am spring cleaning. In so many senses. What fits, what do I need, what should my life contain? How can I take these thoughts out, discard what is no longer healthful, shine and replace what I need for the road ahead? Clearing the physical clutter feels like emotional work, bit by bit feeling less out of control, more serene. Turning attention to forgotten corners feels almost spiritual. What am I forgetting in my inner life, what am I neglecting that could be transformed by love and truth?

This family, they are respite to me right now. When I look at them, I feel more at home.
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I am the opposite of feeling touched out, this week. I am touched in. Craving company and laughter.

I took Jenna to the cinema on Friday, just me and her. We saw Dawntreader. It was much scarier than the book, but good. Though of course I don't like that large parts had been so messed with - I can understand the film makers wanting it to be more a coherant whole and less fragmented, but that is one of the charms of the book after all. (And leaving aside that I will always be annoyed at the Pevensie children winning out because they are so Good, rather than because of the Grace of Aslan!) Jenna made me laugh so much when we came out of the screening and she said, "It was a bit different to the book. The book is WAY better! But can we still get the film on DVD?"

During the scary bits she sat on my knee and held my arm tight wrapped in hers. At the end, she cried, real deep sobs, at Lucy saying goodbye to Reepicheep. Her very favourite part of the book, and the film too now I think. She does love Reepicheep so much.

Today we needed the cobwebs blowing away, so we chose the most beautiful blustery places we know.
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After a short walk in the grounds, we head in to the fascinating historical nature collections.
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Back outside, dusk is falling (isn't that just one of the most delicious phrases in the English language?) and the sky is a glowing grey.
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The wind has picked up, and Morgan battles against it.
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The world is so incredibly beautiful, every bare detail of it.
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This path touches my heart every time we walk this way. So many feet have trodden here, worn these small neat bricks into ruts, so many hopes and dreams and characters and needs and gifts have passed over them.
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I still long for the sea breezes, and salt tang. I still feel a little strange and floating. I still long for the spring, or anything to change. But right now, I am back to knowing that where I need to be is... well, right here.


  1. Yay for blustery walks. I love it there too. we picked lots of chestnuts up in October whilst wandering around the grounds. Charlotte loved the gorilla although did have to look at it from the safety of my arms! Take things easy mama and enjoy being with your lovely family xx

  2. Expressed far better than I ever could.
    Same feelings here mama.


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