This weekend has been stressful. We did that thing again where I think a bill has come out and it hasn't and the money gets spent on food and new wellies for the baby and... Our phone and internet were cut off for three days. Again. I feel pretty incompetant in the Grown Up Managing Life stakes. Plus, family stuff going on, well, just imagine that bit, OK? ;)
Sunday evening we did our usual early nights, thorough tidy around, clear the dishes and prepare everything for the morning. So this morning started off so smoothly and blissfully. Alas, by the time we got past circle time and into an activity, one of the big ones left the kitchen door open and the baby made snow with the last of our soap flakes.
After cleaning that up, my mum rang, and I cried on her a bit. Can't things be simple for me, ever? I feel like it's a fault in me, not in how things are, because doesn't everyone else cope with this normal everyday stuff? Mum suggested that she take the two big ones out for a walk. I had a better idea.
The disgruntled face here is because she wanted the camera!
This afternoon I sorted my kitchen junk drawer, started to clear the hall, and made pizza and cake. The girls helped, a bit, and played some more, and listened to some more Storynory, and... We are OK.
I think, if I can "just" get us out in the fresh air every day, provide regular snacks, take deep breaths, keep this home environment useable, read to them, and pray without ceasing, what could go wrong? It doesn't look like a tall order written down (well, most days it doesn't look too bad) but between the desire and the action there is this gap. What I want to accomplish and what I do... This is life in the gap, I suppose.
Can I hold in me the tension between what I want and what I am capable of? Can I be imperfect, fully and joyfully? Can I let go of should and ought, yet still have ideals, still believe in doing better tomorrow than I did today? Tonight I need to let go of those questions, go light a candle and take a bath and wash away today. I'm so grateful though, that for everything that felt wrong with my day, there were those moments - on the green under the grey, walking in light.