10 January 2011

What is it about January?

I feel prickly and impatient. Unsociable. Quick to speak - and regret. Quick to find unhappiness in small unimportant things.

I need to DO. I am itching to be outside and active, but quickly lose heart when I am and do and it is still so wet and grey and the children complain about the cold. There are insufficient breezes here. I want to be by the sea.

Yesterday I shouted at Morgan so thoroughly my throat hurt. Over NOTHING, too. She forgives me quicker than I forgive myself.

The house irritates me, the mess and the endless tick lists of things I'm not doing and don't want to do. Guilt, but also rebellion. What, now, am I rebelling against? I am the only one looking for change, and it's illogical to rebel against my own needs and wishes. Logic is not my friend today.

It feels like one thing settles - or passes - and I breathe. And then before I have time to regroup, something new, or the same old stories but worse. A man is watching our house, watching the children, I am trying not to be paranoid but it already feels like we are stifled and restricted here and now this. What is WRONG with this world??

Starflower and coconut and amber and dead sea salts are helping Rowan. But the steroids ended up being opened this morning anyway. Is my down-ness this week responsible for her sudden relapse?

I need the blue of the sky, just for a moment. Some hope of change, and new life, and growth. The cold dark was fun while there was feasting, and now I am so impatient to be out of it. Hurry, oh hurry, green growing things.

Enough talk. I must be up and doing until this, too, passes.

7 comments:

  1. I am nodding too, a big yes, and wish I could offer a hug. A man watching your house? Oh grief that's horrible. What sort of man, an official type one or just some weirdo? Not that there is much difference.....

    My friend has a son with allergies to just about everything. She tries so hard food wise and waited forever to have some sort of NHS testing (inaccurate anyway), and he still takes oral steroids every single day. What dose does she take? Also, I know a guy who NOW takes uses special NHS cream after having severe eczema for 16 years. His GP reluctantly prescribed it to him, it's a tenner a tube or something compared to to the 10p steroid creams. His eczema is practically gone (he ca sleep at night for the first time in a decade) and this is NOT a steroid cream! I forget the name, but I can find out for you, you will never be offered it unless you ask for it. Most practices just hope you never hear about it so they can save money. Sick, sick world.

    Love to you,

    Claire xx

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  2. The man watching the house is rumoured to be a sex offender. We brushed off the talk at the time. But he's definitely watching the house. I feel like a prisoner here right now. :(

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  3. I'd be talking to the authorities about the man, for your own sanity and the safety of yours and other children.

    I don't do January too well, have to really motivate myself and start a project of some sort to get me through it. I yearn to be out more, feeling my fingers in the soil, breathing in the crisp air. It was actually so lovely here at the weekend we journeyed for a stroll along the seafront and it was lovely - cool but sunny and it lifted my spirits no end.

    Hope you can find something to get you going again soon and that some sunshine comes your way too, rain is forecast here in the week so must get started on some craft projects so I don't feel low about not getting outside.

    Dawn xxx

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  4. The police are aware, but won't say anything more. They made such a big deal about saying they can't confirm anything... I'm trying to assume positive intent but it's difficult in the circumstances! Either way, keeping my babies close. :( Starting to think I look paranoid with everything this past fortnight or so. *sigh*

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  5. Totally with you in your post. That's just how I'm feeling at the moment. But you're so much more eloquent than me. Hope the strange man disappears or something can be done about it. Take care. H x

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  6. Aye January always feels like the waiting month to me.

    Oh dear, that is very scary about the man watching the house. The police will probably be keeping an eye on him. That's not to say don't be vigilent yourself tho. How horrid though - (((Hugs)))

    My dear, if you ever need to get away to the sea you, martin and the girls are ALWAYS welcome, it will be a squeeze but we'll manage :-)

    Joxy.

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  7. January blahs are universal, it's the same here. And isn't it so true that the kids forgive us long before we forgive ourselves??

    Hope things go well from here on out, until spring shows its lovely greeness again! Lucky for you, you get it in the UK about a month or two before we get it here in the US :)

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