I feel prickly and impatient. Unsociable. Quick to speak - and regret. Quick to find unhappiness in small unimportant things.
I need to DO. I am itching to be outside and active, but quickly lose heart when I am and do and it is still so wet and grey and the children complain about the cold. There are insufficient breezes here. I want to be by the sea.
Yesterday I shouted at Morgan so thoroughly my throat hurt. Over NOTHING, too. She forgives me quicker than I forgive myself.
The house irritates me, the mess and the endless tick lists of things I'm not doing and don't want to do. Guilt, but also rebellion. What, now, am I rebelling against? I am the only one looking for change, and it's illogical to rebel against my own needs and wishes. Logic is not my friend today.
It feels like one thing settles - or passes - and I breathe. And then before I have time to regroup, something new, or the same old stories but worse. A man is watching our house, watching the children, I am trying not to be paranoid but it already feels like we are stifled and restricted here and now this. What is WRONG with this world??
Starflower and coconut and amber and dead sea salts are helping Rowan. But the steroids ended up being opened this morning anyway. Is my down-ness this week responsible for her sudden relapse?
I need the blue of the sky, just for a moment. Some hope of change, and new life, and growth. The cold dark was fun while there was feasting, and now I am so impatient to be out of it. Hurry, oh hurry, green growing things.
Enough talk. I must be up and doing until this, too, passes.