There is always an answer, if I will just ask for it. After pouring out all of my angst and hurting and impatience earlier, I cleaned hell out of my bathroom. Then I took a moment to pray and sit in silence waiting on peace and clarity.
I remembered something Emma said this week, that at something o'clock in the morning Connor had climbed in the bath and asked to have the taps on, so she and he had taken a bath in the middle of the night. She had been gracious and giving with him, she didn't look at the time (which could have been a real mental barrier to her), she didn't struggled to get her need met first, she just went with the moment.
I can do that. I often don't. But in the midst of my morning busy-ness, I needed to be easy with those little ones and stop struggling against the tide of Things To Do. I went to find them, taking snacks as a peace offering, and asked what they wanted to do. They were playing post offices, and wanted more paper please. So I got them some paper. And envelopes (usually forbidden to them lol) and card.
I helped them make a den. We ate finger food out of the refridgerator for lunch - baby sweetcorn, cooked beetroot from yesterday, leftover flatbreads, alfafa sprouts, raw mushrooms, avocado, and an entire punnet of raspberries (bought nearly out of date two days ago and still gorgeous though unseasonal). We took a walk, wrapped up warmly, but stayed off the tides of mud on the park and went to the post office with a book I've been meaning to post. We just hung out, without a plan. We found each other (and ourselves).
Whatever it is, whatever trial, there is always peace and joy to be had. I am as trapped or as free as I believe myself to be. I live so often in the posibilities and concerns of tomorrow, even all the might-have-beens or should-haves of today, when God is right here in this moment.
My children are right here in this moment, too.
That's why the words I have been pondering as my theme for the year have all been rejected, and I have chosen: PRESENCE.
Last year was a year of change-making and doing. This year I want to rest and be, and see what change comes to me unbidden, and welcome it. This year I need to dwell in the presence of my God, lean on Him, and struggle less against what is. This year my children need me to be here, present, more than they need me to be perfect or do any number of the things that I have told myself are the be all and end all priorities.
My mind is set to a much better channel now. All the rest is just details.