Carving Away

Chip chip chip at what I have and am. There is some rubbish that I have been carrying around for a long time, and it's hard to lay down the burden and remember to leave it there when I walk away.

Sometimes it's not enough to bring good things in to my life, I have to find space, things to let go of, ways of looking at myself and other people that no longer serve. More rambling, sorry.

These disjointed words fall away like sawdust. Like skin shed snake-like.

I am raw underneath. It hurts to bring things out into the open. Jenna came to me a couple of days ago and told me that I shouldn't talk about it if it makes me sad. I told her that I need to, that if I keep the sadness inside it only gets worse.

I have been feeling hurt with my Church family. I was avoiding too much thought on it, but an unexpected visitor calmed and comforted me by simply listening. As they left, I felt lighter. And I think it's time to face my feelings about community and being non-conformist. Love is worth the risk.

But there are plenty of other things I need to carve away at too, things harder to face. Things like my character and not being my mother. Things like how fluid identity is and whether I am living out certain changes of heart. Things like freedom, practicing what I preach, and not binding myself so tight to non-essential ideas.

Tis the season for inner work, and making space. Tis the season for leaving behind my old skin. Tis the season for creeping out of winter's cocoon.