I can't say, honestly, how this old-new way of living is going. In some ways we have slipped effortlessly back to how we lived before Martin lost his job. In other ways I am floundering, not sure how to feel about normal everyday events. Monday was the most strange, but also just a lovely simple day. I wasn't phased by the small hiccups, we all got through the whole day in harmony with each other, I just felt that strange space where Martin has been for so long.
Tuesday was different again. I had planned so well, and that may have been the problem. Because Jenna took my door keys - and lost them. I went into an immediate blind panic - feeling claustrophobic and fainty with literal cold sweats the like of which I have never experienced before. Thankfully Naomi had a key and came and rescued me, and as soon as the door was open I could stop crying and compose myself, embarrased at the disproportionate response. I thought I was coming OUT of this period of depression, and here I am blatently not coping. *sigh*
Anyhow, as I say, I composed myself. The day after that was pretty wonderful. Tristan came and spent the day, and I even walked them all the way to the big Saisbury's to get food shopping (FOUR children, and FOOD SHOPPING, voluntarily, I am amazed that I survived). The children were all lovely, and nobody ran off or had an inexplicable meltdown of any kind.
Well, Tristan ran off once, but I laughed and said "bet you can't catch Jenna" which brought him running right back so that he could play chase. He also stepped into the road once (the very busy MAIN road) and I had a moment of panic and barked to GET BACK ON THE PAVEMENT at which he looked bemused and pointed out that the lights had changed and he was safe to cross. Embarrased is not the word! Ah well, lesson learned.
They spent the rest of the day torn between playing in the sand and eating my blackberries (!) and playing quiet games inside. Together. With no bickering.
Let me bask, for just a minute... ;)
Today my plan is to catch several busses to visit Em and maybe go to the park with a picnic. Sounds about right to me, especially with these lovely fresh breezes today! The summer is beautiful, and I am right here where I should be, and somehow I think I am going to be OK with just the one pair of hands.