28 April 2011

Waylaid

This post is taking me forever to write, in short doses, with regular trips outside to the garden with mint tea in hand. Everything is taking forever, every little five minute job looms large and requires breaks, drinks, something to eat. I'm drinking a lot of mint tea. It helps. As does eating regular small snacks.

I have this crazy pregnant/sick love/hate relationship with food. Sometimes, everything sounds good - and I literally am a liability in the supermarket (why on earth would I start buying frozen fried reformed chicken and tinned asparagus soup? Utterly unappealing food makes me hungry!) but at the same time even the thought of food preparation makes me ill. Maybe that's why strange things in packets attract me?

I have been kosher for months, yet had a sudden craving for sausages. I really wish I'd had the self control to ignore the craving, because they proved idigestible. Lesson learned. If it isn't food when I'm well, it won't help when I'm not well.

I'm eating a lot of bean salads, rice (and other things that don't smell funny while cooking), and soup (because it's so quick, and not too horrible if I can't keep it down).

Frozen lemonade chips. Sucky sweets. Less healthful, but hey they help control the nausea a little which in turn is keeping dehydration at bay.

See - obsessed with food.

I have had a few dispairing moments of "why me?" and "why can't I cope like any normal person can?" I totally expected the hyperemesis to return, yet I had this strange idea that because our lives were so much *easier* at the moment, me being ill would be more manageable.

Why why why did I want this? The baby at the end of it all feels a long way off, and honestly it's nearly impossible to relate being SO SICK with something joyful and miraculous. I'm so blessed, so blessed, to carry this baby. But how, day to day, can it feel like a blessing? :(

I feel asleep yesterday morning, sat down for a while and drifted off. I was woken by water pouring through the ceiling. Yup, Rowan let herself upstairs and flooded the house out. Everything is still damp. I can just about make light of it now - but the truth is, with me *this* knocked out, it could have been much worse than a flood. She could have drowned herself. Anything.

I'm trying not to torture myself with the possibilities. Anyhow, I'm not doing that again, there are people around for the next few weeks picking up the slack and checking in on us just in case.

We had plans for this year. But biggest of all, "another baby?" the question, would we, were we ready, this year, next year? So so quickly all the other plans are set aside, as life for me takes a different, slower, tack. Seems like when my body is growing a baby, it needs me to not pencil in too much else. Ah well. More tea, I guess, more sitting in the sun.

And maybe some crochet.

7 comments:

  1. Hey, nothing to feel guilty for - I can't imagine many women feeling blessed and grateful when having extreme morning sickness.

    Ooops for the flooding, but all is ok, so no point worrying about "what if". It's pointless and you've more important things to expend your energy on.

    Looking forward to seeing you end of May at the GP meet - take care hun.

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  2. ah bless you! sounds like you have had a fun few weeks. thinking of you and your struggles but envious of your eventual parcel! - must not feel broody!

    taske it easy and cope as best as you can! your best is always good enough!

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  3. Oh dear, I remember this feeling so well from early on in this pregnancy :( Exactly as you describe constantly thinking about food but feeling sick and craving the strangest things that I would never normally eat... (It's hard to feel it now, but it will pass and you will be at the 'waiting as patiently as you can for baby a week after your due date'stage like me right now lol!)

    Have you tried drinking warm water and lemon throughout the day? I found that really helped, easier than drinking plain water and really keeps you hydrated.

    Sending you lots of hugs, I have found this fourth pregnancy so, so tiring most of the way through - it is only in the last few weeks that I have the energy to look forward to it all. So, take it really, really slowly, one moment at a time and be so gentle with yourself.

    Gina xxx

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  4. Oh Golly Sarah, I've had many prego type probs but thankfully hyperemesis was not one of them. I guess you've tried nux vom, ginger biscuits, peppermint oil to sniff on a hankie and the sea bands? I know when I've had sickness related issues some of these have helped.

    Been wondering how you've been doing so thanks for writing the update.

    Thinking of you loads and offering a prayer

    San xx

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  5. Oh my god, it's bringing it all back!! The obsession with food and what is good, what isn't, what exactly do you want to eat, will it still sound good in five minutes?? The absolute worst part of pregnancy! And you're right, the bouncing baby isn't close enough to make it all worth it. Hold on, it'll be over soon :) And you'll have a smiley bubbly baby to fawn all over!

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  6. You are not the first Mum to fall asleep and to awake to chaos - and you won't be the last! At least you have the excuse of pregnancy. I've dozed off before now and have found the sheet 'decorated' with marker pen, and (separate occasion), the bathroom floor covered in water, soap and toilet roll - and the words "we washed it Mummy". Yes, things could have been worse, but they're not. You are *never* ready for a baby - you just do the best that you can.

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  7. Ahhhh, I know this feeling. And *I*, that's me, left our bath running recently, came online *blush* and forgot all about it until water gushed through the celing.... the beams that hold the house are still wet and making me anxious :)

    lots of love and peaceful times to you,

    Claire

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Penny for your thoughts? :)