This post is taking me forever to write, in short doses, with regular trips outside to the garden with mint tea in hand. Everything is taking forever, every little five minute job looms large and requires breaks, drinks, something to eat. I'm drinking a lot of mint tea. It helps. As does eating regular small snacks.
I have this crazy pregnant/sick love/hate relationship with food. Sometimes, everything sounds good - and I literally am a liability in the supermarket (why on earth would I start buying frozen fried reformed chicken and tinned asparagus soup? Utterly unappealing food makes me hungry!) but at the same time even the thought of food preparation makes me ill. Maybe that's why strange things in packets attract me?
I have been kosher for months, yet had a sudden craving for sausages. I really wish I'd had the self control to ignore the craving, because they proved idigestible. Lesson learned. If it isn't food when I'm well, it won't help when I'm not well.
I'm eating a lot of bean salads, rice (and other things that don't smell funny while cooking), and soup (because it's so quick, and not too horrible if I can't keep it down).
Frozen lemonade chips. Sucky sweets. Less healthful, but hey they help control the nausea a little which in turn is keeping dehydration at bay.
See - obsessed with food.
I have had a few dispairing moments of "why me?" and "why can't I cope like any normal person can?" I totally expected the hyperemesis to return, yet I had this strange idea that because our lives were so much *easier* at the moment, me being ill would be more manageable.
Why why why did I want this? The baby at the end of it all feels a long way off, and honestly it's nearly impossible to relate being SO SICK with something joyful and miraculous. I'm so blessed, so blessed, to carry this baby. But how, day to day, can it feel like a blessing? :(
I feel asleep yesterday morning, sat down for a while and drifted off. I was woken by water pouring through the ceiling. Yup, Rowan let herself upstairs and flooded the house out. Everything is still damp. I can just about make light of it now - but the truth is, with me *this* knocked out, it could have been much worse than a flood. She could have drowned herself. Anything.
I'm trying not to torture myself with the possibilities. Anyhow, I'm not doing that again, there are people around for the next few weeks picking up the slack and checking in on us just in case.
We had plans for this year. But biggest of all, "another baby?" the question, would we, were we ready, this year, next year? So so quickly all the other plans are set aside, as life for me takes a different, slower, tack. Seems like when my body is growing a baby, it needs me to not pencil in too much else. Ah well. More tea, I guess, more sitting in the sun.
And maybe some crochet.