Small Steps Back

Today we have had yet another day of not really sticking to the activities I had planned, but hanging out in the garden in the end-of-summer sun and the autumn crispness is good enough for me.  :)

Morgan pulled the knitting needle out of a whole evening's work that was so so nearly ready to cast off.  I saw the needle in her hand, said "ohh no Morgan!  You took that out of something I was working on!!"

I took a deep breath before saying anything else because I could feel myself working up to a scream, and then I just stopped - and explained to her confused little sad face that knitting isn't like crochet and if you pull the needles out sometimes the whole piece has to be unravelled before you can start again.  Then I set to work saving it, and picked up *every* *single* *stitch*.  She watched me, and when I finished patted me a bit and said I was a clever mummy.  Then she said she was sorry, hugged me, and went back off outside to play.  I finished the project, had a nice big cup of tea, and a big slice of the chocolate cake that we had made ridiculously late last night.  :)

I tell this story partly because I have recently been more impatient again and I am really proud of myself for stepping back and not shrieking at her about this.  I am also pretty impressed that I saved the knitting, because the sinking feeling when I realised what she'd done was very unfunny indeed. But most importantly of all, if I can keep my temper over things that feel really big at the time, I see just why shouting and punishing don't work.  They aren't necessary to make a point, and they cause disconnection that only leads to more issues and more "need" to shout and punish.

Last week was a bit of a shouty week.  I KNOW I need to get better at self-care when I'm starting to feel down.  I KNOW that giving in to it won't help me any in the long term, going with the temptation to indulge my resistance to self-control and the harder route of getting back to regular prayer, meditation, rhythm and peaceful scripting.  But I reckon we all wallow a little sometimes.  And I know what to do, and don't do it, and again that's normal (in fact, I'm just grateful that these days I do know how to help myself out of the rut to some degree)!

This week is still a bit on the slow side, letting a few activities slide until I have more energy, spending more time camping out and reading aloud, just wandering in the outdoors without a plan for a couple of hours, making food in advance the night before so that I can forget about what to feed them during the day.  But 100% better than my reactions and temper last week, and as usual the more I starve myself of letting out the angry reactions in an ungodly way, the easier it becomes to resist the next time.  Small steps back to where I want to be.