4 October 2010

Hormones are making me crazy

Here, let's have an authentic start to Monday Morning.  ;)

I am swinging from super-manic-happy to utterly miserable this week.  This is how it is for me, not always, but sometimes.  I would like to hide behind that statement and stop typing now...  But denial is a killer, so here we go...

Here is Rowan.  Sitting in my lap with sleepy morning fuzzy hair and the big blue eyes.  She is utterly utterly beautiful and demanding and perfect and I am loving my life with her.  There is this one thing that makes me gasp for breath.  By this point with the others, I was pregnant with their new sibling.  In fact, by this point with the others, I had already *been* pregnant, and miscarried.  I am not having another baby yet.  I don't know if I will ever have another baby.  I long to have another baby.  It hurts to look at baby pictures.  You know - THAT kind of broody.

It scares me to sit here and type the words - I don't know if I will have another baby.

Asides from loving my babies and their babyhoods, I am GOOD at the baby stage.  I could do without colic, but you know what?  I know what to do, I'm well practiced, and when I can't do a damned thing at least I don't feel like it's my fault.  I know babies, the idea of having a seven year old some day is thrilling but also totally unknown.

Here are two big girls, as different and similar as can be, persuing that path off out of my safe arms into the rest of the world Out There.

By this point with the others, I knew what came next.  Yet here is Rowan, even while she is still my baby, walking and talking and looking at me with a sharp wit behind those innocent blue eyes.  This time as the year turns I just have no idea what comes next and how I will handle it.  Worse still, I don't even want to think about it - because the thought of making a decision about so much as what to eat for breakfast currently makes me so anxious I am likely to run and hide.

For the first time in a long time I have both rhythm and freedom in our days.  I am getting things done, in a manner that probably ought to make me at least a little proud after the number of confessions I have made about how naturally disorganised I am.  I have three happy self-contained little souls who check in but don't need me constantly.  I have a home, and every physical thing I need for day to day.  I have friends around me and a faith community and a husband who loves me.

I also have a LOT of hormones, all over the place.  So far we are up to four post partum cycles, all of them randomly spaced so just when I think I MUST be pregnant (or perhaps only night-nursing too much to go "back to normal") there we go again back with the tearfulness and the irrational urges to break things and the needing space to avoid feeling touched out.

Oh yes, and the can't-get-anything-right syndrome.  Most noticeable with friends who keep thinking I'm insulting them when I'm just being friendly, and Jenna who reckons I am deliberately antagonising her and treating her like a baby.  *sigh*  This part is the depression talking.  It can be safely ignored as one of those voices that doesn't get to command my respect right now.  Because depression has a lot of lies to tell, and "everything is broken" is definitely a lie.  See?  I'm starting to spot the signals to listen to and those to tune out.  Celebrate with me for a moment.  ;)

But this is where I am at.  Up, and then down again.  Coming out of that dark tunnel, but totally floored by everyday ordinary safe things.  Sometimes I feel so utterly out of balance.  Precarious.

And tired.  That too.  Very tired.  Rowan is back to sleeping through, and my body is craving more of that strange unfamiliar commodity.  I just want to go back to bed right now, and forget about the prospect of starting a new week.  Please stop the world, I want to get off.

That's all I have to share for this morning.  I hope it hasn't scared you all off.  ;)  The thing I want, desperately today, is to pull out some of the emotional laundry and give it a good shake in the daylight.  You know?  I also don't want to pretend that I am always fabulous and fine, because there are two truths...  What I show you of our triumphs and philosophy and learning, those lovely pictures of my beautiful kids, even the cheerful mess in my house, that's all real too.  It's all true.  :)  But it's never the whole picture.  I even edit the mess (a little - I don't tidy before I take photographs lol but I do avoid the most dreadful areas).

So here I am.  Unedited.  Just a little bit crazy.  But ready to start the day with hope, and a little bit more comfortable with my big questions and doubts and insecurities.  Here's to another week, with all the ups and downs it will doubtless bring us.

10 comments:

  1. sending you love , hormones are the bane of my life too , but at the down times I have begun to learn not to fight it or question how I'm feeling , just accept it as a scatchy day and shove on the cosy clothes and mooch x Tiredness can distort everything , I feel that too , Here's hoping for a better week x x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well you certainly haven't scared me off ;-)
    What you write about strikes a chord. Rose is almost 6 now (can't believe it) and I know there'll be no more babies but I still get emotional about it. I was in your exact position once, not knowing if I'd have more or not but as time passed I came to realise that much as I love the baby stage and thrive on it there are an awful lot of doors opening up to me now that I don't have tiny ones.
    You will always be a wonderful Mama, no matter what age your beautiful girls are at. Before you had babies you had to trust that you'd be good at it. It's the same as they grow. I was terrified of my older ones entering their teens convinced I wouldn't have a clue but it's just another length of the same journey and it all just flows fine in the end.

    Btw, we're all crazy it's just that only a few of us are strong enough to say it :-)

    Big (((hugs))) to you Mama xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. (((hugs)))

    I know I certainly have the "can't-get-anything-right syndrome"! Which is usually when my blog goes quiet!

    And as for babies, when DS3 was little I could not imagine having a fourth, even though in our hearts that's what we both wanted. The time eventually came, when the time was right. Have faith, what will be, will be.

    And I think it is wonderful how you are so eloquent with your feelings. Mine are always such a mess in my head, I couldn't hope to get them written down!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are so open and honest. And so much of what you say rings true to how life is with me at the moment. So comforting to know that I'm not alone. Love and Hugs. H x

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is why I love reading your blog--you are so honest with your feelings and really open about the ups and downs we all have. There are some that love the glossy blogs that show a picture perfect lifestyle, but that just makes me feel abnormal...I can so relate to your hormones :) I hope you have a great week and get some time to have more ups than downs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hope you have more ups than downs this week, you're "sounding" tired, maybe it's the change in the weather and seasons or maybe it is those darned hormones.
    I know it's hard, but try to find a little time for yourself to relax, and if it's not possible, lose yourself in nature or crafting (always works for me).

    Take care xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ahh see this is how I know I can be myself here, you lovely lovely people. Thankyou. All of you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. P.s. That was a long and deep post for 7.30am! H x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aye but if you weren't a little bit crazy, you wouldnt be you, Sarah, and I have to say I really am very fond of YOU.

    And while I know the ups and downs can be so very difficult for you, I think these also give you a brilliance that truly shines through your blog.

    ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!! I love your blog and you won't scare me away... I can't think in anything good to say to you... keep going and breathe...
    I'll try to translate a phrase in spanish that I love...
    "Be patient with all that is in your heart, try to love the questions in it, don't look for now for answers that cannot be given because you wouldn't be able to live them now...
    The key is to live EVERYTHING, live your questions now and for sure, little by little and without noticing, in a not so far day, you'll get to live the answers"

    ReplyDelete

Penny for your thoughts? :)