I know I've done a good job at hiding it, good enough to keep it from myself anyway, so please don't be concerned that you missed some big neon sign or that you perhaps could have been the one to help me sort it out. It doesn't work that way, you can't take responsibility for somebody else's mental state, that way madness lies.
Yes, the D Word is Back. I am depressed. Say it like it's an AA meeting. I'm Sarah and I'm clinically depressed. Excuse the sarcasm, that's a result of giving myself a major headache and then crying for roughly ten hours for no reason I know of apart from feeling frightened and out of control for having admitted I can't fix this on my own.
Until the last two or three weeks I hadn't felt like this for four years. I have no obvious trigger this time either - I suppose being ill for so long, knowing that I'm not eating very well still, pregnancy hormones, those things won't help, but - it isn't the children, the pregnancy, a big problem in my life, a relationship crisis. It's just I suppose that this illness can sometimes creep back so slowly it's hard to spot until it's too late.
I read some things yesterday that finally helped me to see that I'm not helping anyone or anything by soldiering on and not accepting that I'm having problems. I'm trying to decide how to move forwards and what I can do to get well again.
And I'm sorry for dumping this all here (again) - I'm not in need of the right response that will make it OK, or permission to be honest (I got that from a few of you all through yesterday, and I'm sure you will never know which of you it was that helped me to see what is going on in my life but THANKYOU).