19 November 2008

*deep breath* Difficult Confession Time

I know I've done a good job at hiding it, good enough to keep it from myself anyway, so please don't be concerned that you missed some big neon sign or that you perhaps could have been the one to help me sort it out. It doesn't work that way, you can't take responsibility for somebody else's mental state, that way madness lies.

Yes, the D Word is Back. I am depressed. Say it like it's an AA meeting. I'm Sarah and I'm clinically depressed. Excuse the sarcasm, that's a result of giving myself a major headache and then crying for roughly ten hours for no reason I know of apart from feeling frightened and out of control for having admitted I can't fix this on my own.

Until the last two or three weeks I hadn't felt like this for four years. I have no obvious trigger this time either - I suppose being ill for so long, knowing that I'm not eating very well still, pregnancy hormones, those things won't help, but - it isn't the children, the pregnancy, a big problem in my life, a relationship crisis. It's just I suppose that this illness can sometimes creep back so slowly it's hard to spot until it's too late.

I read some things yesterday that finally helped me to see that I'm not helping anyone or anything by soldiering on and not accepting that I'm having problems. I'm trying to decide how to move forwards and what I can do to get well again.

And I'm sorry for dumping this all here (again) - I'm not in need of the right response that will make it OK, or permission to be honest (I got that from a few of you all through yesterday, and I'm sure you will never know which of you it was that helped me to see what is going on in my life but THANKYOU).

12 comments:

  1. **hugs**

    I don't think it has to be a major event to trigger depression hon, you've had a tough time, I'd be surprised if you weren't - being continually ill must be very draining.

    You are loved sweetie.
    Take care and hey, you know where I am if you need anything.

    Joxy.

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  2. Oh huge (((HUGS))) to you, I have been wondering recently if I should be at the same D meeting? Have to dash IM due imminently, but you're in my thoughts xxx

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  3. **hugs** I dont leave comment for you often, but i regularly read of your comings and goings. Don't be hard on yourself, I happens to more people than you would think, even the strong ones.
    Keep it honest and never forget that two little people think you are just perfct, totally wonderful and their entire universe...in a nutshell you are Mummy and they love you.
    Blessings and hugs to you.

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  4. Feeling frightened and out of control is reason enough, hon. ((( HUGS )))

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  5. Do you think you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder? Its the right time of year for it.

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  6. Just wanted to send you huge hugs Sarah.

    You are such an inspirational mum and you were such a good friend when I felt really isolated, many moons ago, when Mia was a tiny 11 months old!!

    I always remember how touched I was,to have a surprise in the post, when you had bought and sent me that beautiful pink tye-dye nappy wrap, when we had just started using cloth, even though your budget was just as teeny as ours...So, However down you feel, there are people who really admire youand think your fab.
    Take care Sarah
    Love Gina xxx

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  7. Hi there, I just found your blog through one of my friends blog.. Just wanted to leave you a hug even though I don't know you!! This entry could've been easily written by me...I too am suffering from the big D,again. It does as you say creep up on you and can almost pull the rug out from under your feet. No big event needed to trigger it. It just wells up from inside. Seek the help you need, in whatever form that takes and take the time to enjoy all lifes little pleasures.
    I hope that you don't find this comment inappropriate xx
    Oh yes, and I really enjoyed and identified with your rant on your website about the bus.

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  8. Thankyou, all, for thoughts and validations and support. Especially, thanks to those whom I don't even yet know, for taking time for a stranger. xxx

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  9. Sarah, I've not been around for a while (thank you for your support on my post the other day), but I'm catching up on your blog to see how you're doing and am dismayed to see that the blackness has edged back in. Take a little comfort in the knowledge that it'll edge away again eventually and in the meantime,get all the help you need. I know it must feel like you are hanging on by the skin of your fingertips, but know that there are lots of peole below you ready to catch you should you fall. You are loved.
    Sara x

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  10. Hey, good to see you again. :)

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Penny for your thoughts? :)