24 April 2007

Still not sure about nursing but feeling generally good

Today I took another sling demo, for the local Teen Mum group. It felt a little intimidating to start with, as I wasn’t sure how to approach it with them – but more because of the ages of their babies than their ages themselves! It turned out really well though, they weren’t as hostile as I’d been led to expect, it probably helped that they knew I’d had Jenna young as well and wasn’t there to talk down to them.

They were a lovely lot of ladies, and I kind of wish I’d had something like that back when. I missed out on such a lot of support being all self-sufficient, when really I knew what I was doing as little as anyone else with their firstborn! I really didn’t know how to ask for help, and that pride could have cost me my ability to breastfeed. I was so lucky. I am so lucky. I don’t know why I don’t think that more often!

I worried a little today about using Morgan as a model; I don’t know how I feel yet about dragging her around and putting her on display. It feels like pressure, on her, to be a “good advert” for gentle parenting.

And I hate that, that pushiness, that makes me want to look like I’m doing OK. I KNOW I’m doing OK. I shouldn’t be trying to prove it. But then if I’m trying to say, “this is something good I’ve found, you might like it too,” then don’t I have to be confident that it IS a good thing? I suppose I do… But I don’t want to put pressure on Morgan to be somehow special because of the slings (or whatever) because she’s already special just for being her. I should know better than anyone that it’s as much about temperament!

She did make a good advert for breastfeeding today though – I’d also been warned that none of the parents in today’s group had breastfed and might be openly curious, defensive, or even possibly rude, if I fed in front of them. Well I ended up feeding Morgan in the sling for a while because she was getting fussy, and they didn’t realise! It was only when I said I’d better just dress myself (as I took her out) that someone said, “OMG! You were NEVER breastfeeding her in there?! I didn’t realise you’d done it!” After that they all kept saying how good the slings are for feeding without anyone seeing.

I must have been told allll day that Morgan is SO calm, and SO happy, and SO contented, and SO advanced. My ego feels rather good about how we came across. If only I could blame it all on being such a great parent LOL.

One thing that has really come home to me as well though is that I DON’T WANT a “good baby”. It’s scaring me half to death that Morgan is feeding so little, and it is making me miserable that she is fussing in my arms and wanting to spend so much time lying on the floor.

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