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18 July 2009

A little tour of my life...

In my world, there are always piles of dishes on the drainer. Drying up? Nah, there's always a reason to leave the stuff to drip dry.Someone is almost always doing yoga around here.My mum pops in on her way places and goes home with a loaf of bread and henna on her arm.Surprises and parcels turn up out of the blue, as blessings are spread around liberally by kind-hearted mamas. (Thankyou so much Claire, the books and bonnet made my week!)And someone is almost always reading. Or asleep. These two activities can fit rather well together.If there is not a pile of stuff on the back of my sofa, then it MUST be piled up on the seat instead so I can fish something out from down the back. The back of the sofa is my side table, craft area, filing cabinet, and book rest.In my world, games go on for days without end.Small people rarely wear clothes. Not voluntarily anyway. Sometimes they choose wonderful combinations. Sometimes just a dressing gown is good, for snuggly cuddles and early morning warmth.In my world, for every project or task finished, two more are left undone. You'll have to excuse me not photographing the unfinished projects basket... ;)In my world there is baby smell. Baby smiles. And baby confused faces trying on the dress I made her.And the mess gets *everywhere*.

17 July 2009

Free Food Friday

Well, it's not spectacular exactly, but we've been eating wild salads all week.

Gina and Claire between them have, unintentionally, recently given me another gentle prod to eat better. So we've been looking at what we do eat, and making little changes here and there. This week we've cut out sugar (except fruit) and hugely cut down on wheat. I made my first spelt bread. I have also eaten meat only once this week, egg once, and milk once. It is actually really easy to eat vegan food, and enjoy it. So for health reasons or ethical ones, I am much happier with what is going into the food I make.

All only loosly related to these little green cousins of spinach. Higher in iron and several vitamins, prolific edible weed: Fat Hen. It's so much fun not to be frustrated pulling this stuff out of my vegetable plot all through the summer, and be harvesting it instead. :)PS: When I say "we", I largely mean "the girls and I" as I have yet to convince the chocolate eating hubby...!

16 July 2009

A couple of quiet hours...

Last night Martin arranged for me to go to the cinema with friends. Practically shoved me out of the door in fact. Rowan gazed around in suprise for a third of the film, nursed through a further third, and slept through the rest. She was *very* quiet (am always paranoid I might get kicked out). So I got to see the new Harry Potter on the big screen, on the day it came out. I'm not sure it was worth £7... The pedant in me *knew* I would find certain things irritating, but nevertheless. ;)

And today, another couple of quiet hours. Jenna has gone for the last time to the toddler group with my inlaws, which she is quietly devastated about being too old for... I guess this is a homeschool milestone for me too, when after the summer breaks Jenna is banned from all our previous baby/toddler stuff. I say banned, some will be good about us still being there. Others have made it quite clear we aren't welcome, "it's not you, but..."

I've made good use of this morning - made a couple of loaves for people who would like a regular order of my Tassajara bread (should I start charging?) and done some sewing. A skirt for me. A dress for baby pudding. A sling for Em. The sound of the sewing machine lulls the baby from watchful curiosity to fast asleep in mere moments.

And in a few seconds, when her sisters come bursting back in with their joy and chaos and tales of their day, then my day will really begin.

When I'm struggling, sometimes a day like today just gives me chance to miss them. My heart feels around the spaces their absences leave, and recognises something. I feel like I want to run away, be someone else, doing something else. But then when I have the chance to lose the label Mummy for a moment, I crave to hold them again. It's just not the same house when they aren't in it.

15 July 2009

The good bits

There are always good bits (it's one of those mantras like "this too shall pass"). Even on days (weeks) when it takes effort to recognise them.

The room re-organising and tidying looks GOOD. And is actually working - making the toys easier to access. Helpful side effect, less whining and more of the quiet indoor type of creative play that takes much less energy to supervise and doesn't require me to help when I'm not feeling helpful.The henna is lasting much longer this time so we are all still wonderfully decorated. Every time I look down at my vine-encircled wrist I remember my friends, and I remember what motherhood means to me. I will never be in this moment again and if I only take note of how dark I'm feeling I will miss so much... This is Jenna's:We have been harvesting our own fruit and veg again, and gathering more wild greens. Jenna does NOT like Dandylion. But then, she doesn't like lettuce either, so getting her to eat raw greens is somewhat amazing (Fat Hen is her favorite). The spinach-like leaves of Good King Henry are also rather good wilted, with garlic mushrooms on toast.Even the rain clouds bring their silver lining... Rain pictures (drawn in felt tip, or if you're feeling more adventurous painted with watercolours, and then left outside to be rain-splattered so that the colours run)! And little wellies, traipsing in and out of the garden bringing in mud and caterpillars and more mud. (picture by Morgan)Yes, there are always good things. I feel so out of touch with it most of the time this week. So I'm trying to hold on to the joys, be more concious of them, recognise that I'm not in this tunnel forever. There is a light...

14 July 2009

Another Bump Blessing

The amazing, wonderful, beautiful Emma had a little get together and was showered with expectant-mother blessings. We didn't tell her we had plans. She called me sneaky. She may be right. ;)
We did henna, painting, tie-dye, and made a mobile from buttons and sequins. We filled the house with laughter and celebration of this special friend of ours, and left behind nurturing treats for her and quirky gifts for her baby (including hand-knits, a home-made onbag, and essential oil blends). Lovely lovely day.>

Disconnected

Struggling again a little, just normal things that feel hugely hard. Noise, mess, noises that go on and on with no apparent meaning, children making a mess as I try to tidy up, whinging from older children who don't understand why I'm in a bad mood and suspect it's their fault (it isn't, oh it isn't).

The more low I get the more paranoid I get - I start to think that their normal attempts to get me to behave normally are their attempts to break me... And the more unhappy (and snappy) I get the more they go for the really DIFFICULT means of asking for what they need. And I don't feel very attached right now.

Taking Rowan's crying and Morgan's shrieking and Jenna's stomping personally is just the smallest part of it. But all are indications that depression is taking over rational thinking. When I get to the stage of not wanting anyone to touch me or talk to me, my first thought is that I am a terrible person for feeling like that. My first thought probably *ought* to be, "that is the depression talking - we've got past this before and we can beat it again". And we will beat it...

The things I can fix are in hand. I've totally rearranged toy storage and am half way through a huge tidy up because when I'm depressed I cannot operate with mess. Also I'm hoping that having the play kitchen in a little toy corner and the other toys in baskets in the main living area will help them to access their things and rediscover some forgotten playthings, and hence not want me to occupy them myself so much!

I'm also eating much better, having spent Rowan's growth spurt eating up any junk I can find (lol in my house we're talking plain crisps, home made cake, and organic dark chocolate, but still)... Chamomile tea, nuts and seeds, fresh vegetables. Soup for tea, with wild salad and garlic mushrooms.

I hate feeling disconnected from the children but I also know that I don't have to act how I feel. Even at my most irritated and tired and tearful I CAN keep doing the minimum; can feed us, protect us, clothe us, and avoid yelling (much). Yesterday's outburst is behind us and I can get through this. Again.

12 July 2009

Crying, soothing, wanting to soothe

Right, our journey home and assorted random thoughts...

Morgan screamed. She had lost her paper for drawing, she needed a wee, she needed a drink, she needed another wee, she needed to draw in the map book (!), she needed something to eat (which she then dropped), she needed the toilet again. We stopped about every five minutes down the motorway, pulled in on the hard shoulder, frantic screaming toddler unsoothed by anything we could offer. She is intense, wonderful, fascinating, and sometimes utterly unmanageable.

In the end we reminded ourselves that we can do our best to make the circumstances right, but when we've done what we can it's her job to actually stop howling. We can't force her. And we certainly couldn't spend the night on the hard shoulder, where briefly (too briefly) we had respite. Martin was so stressed driving I was worried we wouldn't make it home at all.

So I come on to the ethics of such daily decisions. When is it right to override them and keep going, validate as far as you can but when all is said and done stop trying to fix the screams? I certainly know some parents who buy Continuum Concept philosophy 100%, that naturally a baby would never cry and therefore if they are crying you are doing something wrong. I know one or two who seem to have babies and toddlers who never cry in fact (heavens, Morgan WAS one apart from brief colicky spell - and then she began to walk and screech lol).

And when we are actually talking about a young baby, even there I fail this critera. Colic has been part of our newborn experience every time - with the other two I tried eliminating all sorts from my diet; dairy, wheat, cabbage, onion, garlic, non of it seemed to make any difference. When my babies cry and cry and I can't help them, is it because my helping isn't up to scratch, or because something is wrong that I actually *can't* fix?

There is food for thought here for me though...

About how I can build a climate in my own family of responding and trusting, but actually function when those times arise when I need to decide between the needs of different family members.

About how attachment parenting can become a heavy burden indeed if we tell mothers that babies parented the right way never cry. About striving to meet needs without blaming myself when some needs are unmet (or perhaps in the modern world un-meetable).

About *nurturing* my gentler instincts in moments when I am becoming frustrated because I can't prevent my children from experiencing negative emotions.

About what it is to live with intense little people who don't give up and fall asleep (which in spite of how it sounds I AM grateful for in many ways). About being helplessly present in someone else's distress and knowing that somehow that counts for something anyway.

10 July 2009

Camping holiday

This is the view from our tent each morning, a green growing place nestled in a valley, with a stream running through it and the best facilities we've ever seen at a camp site. Wild-camping this was not, but nevertheless lovely to get back to nature a little. And still have access to a large family bathroom with hot running water, and facilities for washing nappies. Oh yes, we took cloth nappies camping - though thanks to EC we only needed to wash one load (with towels damp and sandy from the beach). Rowan loved the novelty of it, looking around with delight at every new sight, sound, and smell. We slept with the smell of elderflower, and further off down the hill the most gigantic patch of wild garlic. I wasn't sure it would last the long trip home, so reluctantly left it in peace.
OK it wasn't *really* a pirate ship, but it looked the part alright! Martin paid £2 to take the girls around this gorgeous ship at Whitby, Jenna clutching her camera tightly, and they got their money's worth (nearly two hours, while I scoured the charity shop on the same street and came away with treasure of my own)!
Lobster pots, buoys, nets and rope, the very definitions of practical artworks. We made huge stone sculptures on the beach, and drew in the sand. All of those pictures are on the girls' cameras though! A glorious, sunny, peaceful, creative, outdoor day.

The tent remained waterproof, and was surprisingly comfortable for five to co-sleep in, though I longed for a better roll-mat when nursing on my side (ouch).The last day brought cold winds, the tide was in at the beach so we sat and ate fish and chips in the bandstand. Rowan HATES the wind blowing in her face!
Back at the car we got ready for the long trip home. Rowan was much happier in the warm.
Before Morgan had had enough travelling we were all fine. Sad to leave, but glad to be going back home to our own beds. And with a new resolve to spend more time enjoying the outdoors together, beyond our own back garden. Being up with the sunrise was somehow so invigorating. Where I had expected to be so tired, I came home only refreshed and renewed. Only since then Rowan has entered a massive growth spurt so I feel pretty sleepy again now... I still can't say how much she wakes me at night but I am feeling SO hungry and thirsty again, and could easily roll back to bed about now. Can't wait to see what she'll do next out of this new need though, because she is already rolling!

Summer day out at Silverstone








9 July 2009

A placeholding post again lol

This is just a quick one to say that we all got home safely on Tuesday night, with wonderful memories and lots of pictures. And we didn't get wet (in spite of thunder storms right overhead on the first night)!

It has taken me til now to get online, plus a further while for messing about uploading off the camera. We bought the girls recycled disposable cameras to make their own records of our camping trip too - but you'll have to wait another week or so for those as I have no money to process the things let alone time to scan in!

Sunshine and showers, sand and mud, fresh air and warmth, close family times and also *huge* stresses (Morgan screamed the full two and a half hours home, more on this later lol). We've just about got back into the normal swing of things. I'm missing being up with the dawn though!

6 July 2009

Book Sharing Monday: Once There Were Giants

In case you're wondering, this is an automated post. At least I hope it is, sometimes blogspot, for its own incomprehensible reasons, neglects to put these up at the stated time and date. If you don't see this til Tuesday night (or later) then you will know that the scheduling thingy didn't work and I have come and put it on myself. Hmm. Where were we? Books. Right.

This is one of my absolute all time favorite children's books. We had it as a Christmas gift from Gina, years ago now! I cried the first time I read it. And every time since.

Once There Were Giants, by Martin Waddell, illustrated by Penny Dale."Once there were Giants in our house.
There were Mum and Dad and
Jill and John and Uncle Tom.
The small one on the rug is me."LOVE this perfectly observed image of a toddler, cloth nappy falling down, toddling into trouble on the park. "The one in the duck pond is me."It follows the narrator through a lifetime of family photographs, until the last page when she is holding her own tiny baby. "...and one of the Giants is... ME!"

I challenge you not to sob your heart out! Or maybe it's just me...

3 July 2009

Summer colour

The hot pinks, sunny oranges and assorted plant colours of a season table in high summer.The cool fresh fragrant white of the last batch of elderflower cordial before all the flowers are gone.I may not get to post again over the next couple of days, we are busy busy busy. Going to the Formula 1 on Saturday - actually really to the F1 (free tickets, free funfair, oh yes indeed)! Then we're going camping for a couple of days, to see my lovely friend Kim and take her chocolate and baby things. Either in commiseration on still being pregnant, or in celebration on having had her lovely baby. Less than a week ago I said that I really wanted a holiday but we couldn't afford to. Hubby text me an hour later to say he'd booked time off, "we are going camping, where would you like to go?" :) So, I will probably be around by midweek; think of me every time it rains, because our tent isn't very waterproof...

2 July 2009

Nadia

I kind of knew this was coming... I don't think Martin did though...

My wonderful lovely sweet kind mother in law has been given two years to live. We told the children and Jenna said, "oh mummy - she might *not* die!" I don't know how my father in law is going to survive... And I can't handle the thought that Rowan might never get to know her...

It's not fair. Even as I say it I realise how empty and useless that is, refusing to accept it just because she's a wonderful person. Good people die every day.

The shock would be horrible if she had just died. But how will we live with the waiting?

My sweet husband is grieving.

Stuff your reward charts!!

I can't STAND being given parenting advice by the BBC...

I should have known better really, but the word "Yoga" misled me into thinking it was safe. So the Waybuloo magazine looked pretty tempting in spite of the usual BBC idea of educational (ie lots of shape tracing lol). Yes, I knew it would be wierdly twee faux-japanese cartoon, but we have great tolerance for twee when it's something that is good in other ways.

We've seen the program a couple of times, and liked it. It's impossible to see properly what yoga pose they are doing. And as pointed out before it is twee beyond belief. But it is otherwise good. The big news? The characters are actually NICE, actually moral without being moralising. Actually kind to each other because they want to be, not given ulterior motives or helpful "don't you think that's NICE children?" superior attitudes.

Oh but then the magazine happened to us. And what a waste of money that was.

So thankyou, BBC. I don't want you to try to teach my children emotional literacy. I don't want you to moralise (to me or to them) about how LOVELY it is to SHARE. I don't want you to tell them that "fair" is when everyone gets exactly the same. Since when do we have to treat everyone like the same person to love them all equally (and uniquely)?

And STUFF YOUR REWARD CHARTS!!Memo: send DG of the BBC a copy of Alfie Cohen.

Remembering constant contact

A couple of days ago I went searching through my archives to read about Morgan's babyhood, how I was thinking and feeling, how we dealt with the colic she suffered, what she was like at this age. I found this post and was re-inspired by the outlook I found there.
Wise statement on AP.

A few times recently I've been putting Rowan down to get things done, and then resented it when inevitably she has needed me again. If I don't get there before she gets upset I berate myself, but if I go as soon as her little eyes open, before she even looks for me or starts to sense that I'm not nearby, I resent leaving my task even more - because, she didn't REALLY need me...

Partly it's that there are two others now, two big reasons to put her down. Mostly it's that she will NOT tolerate being in the slings unless she is asleep; and she wakes in the slings more easily than she wakes if I settle her on a blanket on the floor. I really feel like I'm missing out on having her in arms so much, even though she doesn't seem to mind and is fairly contented to watch from the floor propped up on some pillows until she falls asleep.

It's harder to keep in touch with Rowan than it was with either of the others. But I need it, and she needs it. Especially since when she's in arms we have whole days of no EC misses, and only one or two wet nappies. I find I have to remind myself why it matters, why I wanted this and why I actually can't afford to fall into the trap of separating myself from her emotionally when I separate myself from her physically.

The less I hold her, the less I want to hold her. The less I want to pull myself away from real life to attend to her. The less I can be bothered to take her to the potty when she has a nappy on anyway, it doesn't *really* matter. But it actually does matter to me, and I know in my heart of hearts that caring for her is more real life than any other activity I could name.

On the other hand, since I read that post, I've been holding her ALL the time again. And the more I hold her, the more I want to hold her. The more I let myself forget everything else and gaze at her, the more I want to be present with her and really KNOW her. I suppose it's that simple.

Love begets love.

30 June 2009

Morgan sings:

"Baa baa bwack eep,
yes sir, yes sir,
fwee bags full.
One for the dame anda ittw boy...
Baa baa bwack eep,
ONE TWO FWEE bags full!!"

I love it when she sings to Rowan. Her language has come on enough that you can tell what all of the songs are supposed to be, and her whole body belts out those words with love and passion - every song is a gift from her deepest soul! Watching them is incredible, the love they have for each other and the way they have picked up every gesture and expression of mine in caring for them!

They attachment-sibling each other!