18 May 2010

Good Enough

Another couple of busy days; finding the time to upload pictures is trying at the moment as Blogger is playing naughty games and I can't be bothered to fight to "upload failed" box for supremacy. Though if I did allow it to become a pitched battle, It would come out the winner.

So, yesterday, we did Story Time. Jenna is starting to find it a bit boring, though she loves to mother the little ones, and Morgan has suddenly become shy (??!) and clings to her hand the entire time. More questions about whether we are missing out on big-kid things by having these littles - seeking to be together as a family is such an uphill struggle in this society. Nice morning nevertheless, and then lunch with Ashleigh before heading home to play in the garden again (of course).If you're noticing the words "battle" and "struggle" cropping up a lot, it isn't a sign that the recent period of harmony is at an end, but it certainly is a sign that other stuff is making me feel a bit frazzled around the edges. If I could sum it up simply (and simplicity often eludes me) I would say that I am feeling like no matter what I do, it is never good enough. When I do more structured activity, "fun stuff", puzzles and board games, read to them more often, I worry that I am stiffling them and not allowing them the freedom for independant play. When I spend a lot of time doing things that I enjoy, not with but alongside them as they persue their own aims, when they are basically very autonomous and not over-supervised, I worry that I am being selfish and not meeting their needs. I have had a few days in a row (probably early-morning induced) of feeling like I just can't strike a balance.

The house is a mess, but what do I actually DO? Is it messy because we DID something? No, it's messy because we did, well, nothing really. So I hide out and crochet in the hopes that the mess will go away, because at least that way I have something concrete to show for the energy expenditure. So, well, that's why the kitchen surfaces finally got their makeover, because I am feeling out of balance and dissatisfied and wonder what, precisely, I actually achieve by anything that I do. I'm hoping it won't be long before I can snap out of it and rejoice in being again.

In the meantime, we went on a trip again today to get some bits of food shopping and visit the Fairtrade shop. On the one hand, this helped with my I-need-to-plan-meals-better goal. On the other hand I then had to have the mental debate about whether we use the car too much, whether I ought to feel guilty about travelling further for more ethical products or whether I ought to work harder at not buying products at all and start making my own washing stuff again. Balance, oh yes. We need some of that about now, before I wear everyone out.

Anyhow, I actually spent the rest of my birthday money (um, from November) on a beautiful bag which immediately got juice spilled on it. It looked pretty hanging out with the washing though, no?Jenna and Morgan stayed with Chris so that Em could come to Traidlinks with us, and we ended up stopping in a little churchyard to nurse the babies before getting back in the car. I made daisy chains. And it was so perfect, I'm actually kind of glad I didn't have the camera because I never would have managed to catch the light just right - and the birdsong, and the scratchy grass, and the little bits of confetti under a tree...

The afternoon passed companionably, all of us at our house in the living room and garden, sun, sweet breezes, potato plants (yeah, maybe a bit too proud of the potatoes), cozy corners, stories and good food.It is definitely a sign of my state of mental disarray that I can't even remember any of the other stuff I wanted to blog about. Now where did I put the box of calming herbal tea?

And I sign off, to more chaos, as my living room is the kind of messy other living rooms can only aspire to. And, as if I don't procrastinate enough, I am halfway through making a pair of these wooly pants for Morgsie whose little legs are suffering from too-small nappy covers at night time. Balance. Right. ;)

4 comments:

  1. Oh dear, I kinda know that feeling, although I only have myself to balance! I think it's one of the most frustrating things about having such important exams coming up, I get so focused on two things - revising and distractions. I don't balance it very well, either to my satisfaction or to my conscience! Yup, tis all about the tea... got my mint tea next to me now. xxx

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  2. I loved all the photos from your last few posts, so full of joy and happines:)

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  3. Yet the thinking, the analysing is also positive. Its what makes you such a wonderful mama and sucha supportive and wonderful friend.

    Balance is a constantly changing maxim; what is balance one day is not another. The striving, the loving and the being is what it's all about, because we are not static beings. :-)

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  4. Thankyou for your love and wise words, ladies. :) The cuppa helped, and today a lot of the things we haven't done but needed to have been done - with joy and peace and love, not with the usual resentment and frustration! So I am feeling much better... Sometimes it really only takes one small step in the right direction - and mine were two small steps; washing and mandala colouring. ;)

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Penny for your thoughts? :)