Five years!

Oh my sweet precious girl. Jenna, how can the years be going so fast? I often feel, have always felt, so unready to be your mother. I want to make everything perfect for you, change the world for you, know how to guide you and how to love you better... You deserve everything, and I am so blessed to share this life with you.

From such small beginnings...To this!

Fairy Garden Party

People started arriving at 2pm and a few stayed until late and shared a paper packet of chips with us for supper. Over six hours of party time, eight children under 6 years old, about as many parents, and a totally relaxed day!

The night before I had a bad fall and thought I might have broken my toe, sprained my ankle and was limping for a while, but thankfully it was all OK and the distraction of having guests helped lol. My toe is still a bit blue, serves me right for trying to rush around and do things in a damp garden with non-grippy shoes.

It was so worth it!I was so glad I decided to make these rolls, because the bread I *bought* went off overnight!Maybe more pictures some time soon when I have permission from all the parents. :)

Preparations...

Just some pictures from around my house today...

The patchwork picnic blanket, ready to go! I made a matching table cloth and simple canopy for Jenna's favorite spot too
Some garden tidying and a new planter made from the broken sand and water tableAnd of course there are always distractions from tidying!And oh, the birthday cake... You'll have to wait and see!

Eye of the storm

We had two little girls making up over the fence earlier. And a slightly embarrased mother explaining a lack of sleep and too much pre-schooler in mitigation. We've been there, and just beginning to feel that it won't happen again is enough for Mama Bear to go on back to her cave... Jenna seems to have recovered on one level - in that she will go outside again if I'm with her, and isn't shy of the little girl next door today. On another level she is still hurt, lashing out any time she feels criticised and crying over little things.

She has her a fairy garden party planned on Saturday (no rain, please, my house is too small!) so we've been doing small jobs to get everything ready. Sweeping and mowing, a bit of tidy-up-and-a-new-plant-type gardening, making decorations... I made a big floral picnic blanket out of scraps, which Jenna is so delighted with she could hardly speak. Morgan fell asleep this afternoon in a big heap of fabric squares, my little baby hamster with a blissful smile on her face.

I'm really looking forwards to the weekend. It will be manic I'm sure, at least on Saturday with people popping in and out. But her actual birthday will be pretty special and very laid back. I'm at least as excited as she is!

Season Table picture

As we inch towards Autumn again, we start to change things over bit by bit reflecting what we see outside. I love the changing seasons, observing and living fully in them, but I do have to admit to a special excitment at the cool breezy days and flame colours of Autumn. It's an especially wonderful season for me, who finds parts of the summer meltingly sticky. I look forward to the cosy drawing in of winter, and the prospect of fires and crisp leaf-kicking walks is already calling me on in the dance... And a full harvest season table is a true joy. No surprise it is already creeping in there before summer is half-past!

Breathe and let go

The quiet antagonism between Jenna and the little girl next door has erupted into feud - well, on one side anyway. They argued over a tennis racket yesterday. It went from, "It's not fair, my turn, I want to play, stop being MEAN to me!" And took off from there.

Other child began to resort to "I'm not your friend any more," and then the big guns "My mummy says you're stupid... My mummy says you're HORRIBLE!" Jenna took this for a while (after all, she was still in posession of the disputed toy). I was standing in the kitchen, not observing, but listening enough to make sure that the disputed toy was returned and that nobody was crying.

Then Morgan (oh Morgan, of COURSE it would be Morgan) bit... a... hole... in... it...

Other child whacks Morgan over the head. Morgan cries and shouts, "not talking a you!!" and storms off. Jenna reciprocates the name calling. I catch on that this is escalating and insist Jenna go and return the racket (which at this point I don't realise is damaged). Jenna comes back inside saying that X won't let her say sorry, that X is never going to talk to her again, and that she is really sad she said nasty things back. "I should have had Grace and walked away, shouldn't I mama?"

Before I could get any more of the story out of her, X is on our doorstep with her mother, demanding an apology from Jenna and wanting to know why her DD has a bruise. Later Jenna tells me that X snatched the racket and it hit her in the face. In the meantime I allow Jenna to hide from the furious ranting barely comprehensible adult on the doorstep, so without satisfaction they storm off to leave me seething to comfort a devastated Jenna - who keeps telling me she is sorry that the mother insulted me, she is so so sorry, she wants to go and talk to them and tell the mother not to be angry!! Ugh.

Then she sat down with her note paper and without prompting wrote, "SOrYY" which she ran and posted through their door. And explained the whole story, sobbing in my arms. And refused to EVER EVER EVER go into our garden again in case the mother shouts at her. And had nightmares all night, crying out in her sleep.

Why do adults behave worse than their children? Why do I seem to be the only person who thinks the fault lies with both parties? Why is it a big deal when one child is hurt if the other has finger nail marks all down her arm (which is clearly visibly NOT accidental)? How on earth am I going to persuade Jenna outside again? How am I going to manage to stay calm with this family when my Mother Bear has been roused??

*sigh*

Jenna is still crying this morning.

Another quiet day for poorly babies

Morgan stayed overnight with my mum on Sunday after Church (the first time she has ever stayed away from home all night since the trauma with the in-laws). She was so delighted and proud to be doing something so grown up and to be on her own with her beloved Mamaar! Only first thing this morning she was sick. :(

Rowan had been spitting up milk all night, so we decided that they obviously had some kind of tummy bug. My Dad wanted to know was it something they ate, to looks of confusion from me - what, breastmilk?? ;) Anyhow, we had a quiet at home day on a day when I really really wanted to go to the post office and do efficient hurrying around type stuff.It was nice in the end, slow and comforting. Lots of nursing, napping, nursing again. They mostly played quiet games.I love watching Jenna using grown-up games, this magnetic ball of pyramids has fascinated her since it arrived. She spent ages lining the little pieces up and inching them closer to see how close they could get before snapping together. After playing like that for about an hour, she suddenly started picking them up and reassembling the ball without a pause, something I expected to be too difficult for her.She also did some drawing when the others slept. She likes to draw undisturbed.Plus, they seemed better by the afternoon, so we are free to go out again tomorrow!

Book Sharing Monday: Princess, Princess

Jenna chose for us today, earlier when I was taking pictures. "Is it book sharing day again? Yay! Can I have one of *my* favorite stories on your internet?"I find the morality a bit cloying, but not preachy really (it's just an emotional fault of mine that balks against all blatant moralising). The pictures though, are pretty divine - especially if you have a girl who is into fairies and floaty pink sugary type stuff. ;)The story is basically Sleeping Beauty, only with small children and toys and fairies as the main roles, and no actual baddy. I leave it to you whether or not this improves upon the tale, but I don't object in principle to various versions of fairy stories being part of our story diet.Jenna will read this book over and over until I get so bored of it I can't bear another retelling! It is very very loved.

Weekend assortment

So, another collection of random pictures with assorted ramblings. :) We start with the previously mentioned trip to see friends.A nappyless Rowan sleeps on my lap. Two days running I had an amazing, in-tune day. Only two wet laps and two wet nappies, in 48 hours. When I first toyed with the idea of "having a go" leaving Morgan nappyless, that would have sounded like a lot of misses to me. It seems really funny now how much it mattered to me to not get peed on (and I guess to many many parents just me sharing this will seem scary). Over time I began to really understand that it isn't about wee going in nappies vs in the toilet.

It isn't a failure if she is in a nappy all day, and I don't feel like a superior parent for having two days of feeling it is going well. What needs to go well, the point of doing this, is working to communicate with her. The effort is worth more than being perfect, the relationship is worth more than ticking another box. It's not a matter of pride/blame dependant on how I feel we have performed. It's a wonderful way to be close to her! Why do these things take me so long to work out? I feel so slow!

And here we are enjoying Jenna's favorite tree, at Attenborough nature reserve. We had tried to arrange to meet another gentle mama and her babe there, but decided in the end to go anyway when we didn't manage to make contact - only to be approached in the car park with, "Are you Sarah??!" What a lovely morning, watching the children climb and play, feed corn to the ducks from paper packets, and feed blackberries to each other from the hedgerow.Morgan was really worried about a large and rather pushy swan that was following her!

For want of a post title...

I mean, the last couple of days don't categorise easily! We've spent quite a bit of time packing and moving boxes for my Dad, and helping friends move house. Mostly with Rowan in a sling, though she is also having some fun rolling around on the floor and being squished by the other children...The girls have been reading a lot - Morgan is more and more interested in sitting with books, it has taken a while though for such an active little body to be able to wind down like that. I am deliberately not paying undue attention to what Jenna is and isn't choosing to decode unless she asks me for help, because there is part of me that would make way too much fuss and discourage her with my ideas of what she ought to be able to do.

I've been reading too, as yesterday this came from GP LETS.Which made me cry more than once and led to some more breadmaking, because I was too distressed at the information about what goes in to a bought loaf to think straight or read any more until I'd reassured myself that the world doesn't have to be this way. It's a task I am ejoying far more than I ever thought I would, but making those particular loaves was especially soothing!We also have some new games to try out, a gift from a friend who is moving house and slimming down their own collection. Thankyou so much, Jenna ADORES the magnetic ball and has been making the most odd-looking sculptures with it.And today we spent most of the afternoon, once Martin got off work, with Jeni and Sophia - and the girls had such a wonderful time that Jenna tried to hide in the shed so she wouldn't have to come home. Plus, we had pizza (thanks Jeni)!

We've done more that I can't think to write about too. But it has been a busy end to the week and I'm really glad Martin isn't working tomorrow so we can catch up a bit and relax!

Is it wrong to be so excited about Christmas already?

Yes, I know, I know. But I LOVE giving gifts, and I love making gifts. And I love Christmas (I'm such a kid, and planning festivals and treats and making decorations, come on, it's just perfect). So making gifts for Christmas, anticipating giving them, thinking up just the right thing for that child? It sort of spreads the magic. *grins*

When Morgan and Rowan napped yesterday afternoon I got started on something for Rowan.A Waldorf doll, but something different. Something different, Waldorf style. Shaped, tough, nice to hold. I rummaged in the fabric cupboard (what, doesn't everyone in a small house have one of these?) and found the most ugly tracksuit you have ever seen. It had... potential.

My mother in law had known that a more distant relation was THROWING it OUT! And she said, "oh no, don't do that, Sarah will use it for something!" And she was so right. Throw away an ugly oversized pink tracksuit? Never.

When it could become... this?His stiching and body shape are so close to perfect, just his legs are skinny and his head didn't dent as much as I wanted, I didn't have enough fabric for the "skin" without cutting into another part of the tracksuit.

Anyway, asides from getting a bit carried away making a pink rabbit for Rowan (his name is Twinkle, by the way, and he has a heart shaped tail!) I went shopping on Etsy. To be fair, I didn't really go shopping as such, just browsing Mamakopp's beautiful wooden toys *again*. And then I realised that because I've been selling off enough of my books that the ones I keep have space on the shelf, I have a healthy paypal balance.

And so I ordered this and this. They will possibly be gifts from the grandparents who often ask what to buy. But now I'm really in a festival mood. I can't wait to give these things, handmade and precious, natural and joyful. And I'm really excited about whatever crafting I'm going to find to do next, because there are lots more children to make gifts for...

Just stuff

Jenna stayed with my mum last night, so it was just me and the two tinies today. Morgan is such a lively, funny, crazy toddler at the moment and we've had a lot of fun. Mostly we just hung out at home - she refused to step foot in the garden today, too many slugs she says. But we did this and that, sorting, building, stacking, running our fingers through the button box, rolling things at other things. Toddler fun stuff.

When Jenna isn't here, Morgan hardly plays with toys. She prefers to use *things*, bits from the garden, kitchen and treasure box mostly. A stick, some boxes, bits of junk. They tend towards role play when they are together, but without that group dynamic Morgan goes for mostly just exploring dimensions and movement. It's funny to watch her without her big sister leading the game!

After procrastination-as-extreme-sport behaviour on my part we also sorted the biggest mound of clean washing I have ever seen. How we still have clean clothes in our wardrobes is a mystery to me. Morgan seems to have the most clothes of anyone, which is embarrasing because I thought she was low on, for example, trousers that actually fit. She isn't. It was all in the clean washing pile.

They both slept for half an hour this afternoon too, so I got started on another Christmas present project - abandoned, just now, to get us ready for an evening swim before tea. Another ordinary/extraodinary day. :)