8 July 2010

Broken

Is there any way to face such times with grace?

My marriage is falling apart, and I feel utterly without hope. I feel broken. I don't know, honestly have no idea, what the future holds - perhaps for the first time - it is all utterly out of my control and... Well, it's like a hole in my body that my attention skitters away from rather than acknowledge how much it hurts, because if I let myself see how broken I am I might lose courage and pass out. Yes, it's like that.

I have been drinking lemon balm tea and crying. Whilst trying to keep some semblence of normality both to protect our privacy and help the children cope with their own grief and confusion without taking on mine too. Jenna has been furiously angry with everyone and anyone (Martin visited and was driven out by her screaming, "get out get out get out", because she thought it better to make him leave than have him leave her!) and Morgan has been very very quiet. I get stressed more quickly and snap at them. It is a mess.

Martin has been living with friends. I have been focused on coping, you know, the sort of coping that is a veneer on desperate flailing for solid ground. I can't remember how to pray. It sounds overly dramatic, somehow, but there it is.

I can have the children clothed and fed, remember to put through nappies (have I ever pointed out that he does all the washing?) and I can even Do Things like crafting and reading and taking the little ones for bike rides and remembering how to work the DVD player. But I can't make any of it feel real.

I want my life back.

20 comments:

  1. Sarah, I don't know what to say, I can't say anything that makes a difference but I wanted to say something, and send you hugs and thoughts and prayers xxxx

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear this, Sarah. Take care of yourself and your precious girls. And remember it's perfectly fine and normal to be a mess for a while. Just take things one day at a time. xxx

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  3. Oh Sarah, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help, let me know. Really. It breaks my heart to think of you like this, and of your little girls so sad :'( But they know that they are loved, and they will get through this. You all will.

    As far as praying goes, writing it down might help your thoughts flow and offer your difficulties to God. Or maybe you don't need to say anything. He knows you're in trouble, and he's holding you.
    We're praying for you too; for resolution but formost, for your peace.

    Do you have someone around to help you out physically?

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  4. Sarah, I'm so very, very sorry. I've been thinking about you loads and was saddened to read this blog post. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Be assured of my prayers for you and if you want to chat, then send me a text and I'll ring you on your land line.

    Sending you and the girls much love, San xxx

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  5. (((((((((hugs)))))))). Have you read a poem/prayer called "footprints?" It's very good, and remember, God knows. Also, when you're standing on rock bottom, the only way is up. Depression is horrible and leaves you just like a functioning robot - able to 'cope' but not able to interact and connect with others. Whatever happens, you have plenty of friends who love you and care about you.

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  6. much love at this difficult time , just gather your girls around you and feel their love, it will keep you going xx

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  7. So sad to read this. It's hard enough going through it yourself, but add sensitive little girls to the mix and it's unbearable. I know we've never physically met but I do love your family and wish nothing but the best for you guys!! Big hugs from the US--I wish I could pop on over and give them to you in person!

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  8. oh my love, my heart, my darling friend,
    how sad reading this makes me feel, how my heart breaks for you all.
    Take a moment, breathe deeply, try hard to loosen those shoulders, breathe deeply again, give your tension to the earth, let your sorrow flow to the sky .. let go, it is not wrong for the children to see your heart, your emotion, your feelings, it will help them understand their own.
    Take pieces of time, 2, 3 hours at most and live them, get done what needs doing, give yourself some nourishment both bodily - food, drink and emotionally - some tears, a bath, 5 mins in the garden .. then move onto then next 2, 3 hours, just deal with that, one piece at a time, slowly.
    Don't ask too much of yourself, just be, be a mama,be a friend to yourself.
    Allow yourself to feel,it will not engulf you, you will win through.
    We are here, I am here, do you want to fb message your phone number, I will call, come over, anything, please just say .. do you want to come hole up here for awhile with the girls, anything, my love, anything xxxx

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  9. Oh my dear, dear sarah, I only wish I knew what to say but all I offer is my blessings and prayers for you and your lovely family at this very difficult time. xx

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  10. Sarah, I don't know what to say, I am sorry you are going through this. Sending you big hugs and loads of love xx

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  11. Hi Sarah,
    Sorry to read this, and at the same time, I wanted to say I feel like a mess too, here it's me and the children who are moving out... and it sucks!!
    Hope we both feel better soon..
    xx

    Laura M

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  12. Oh Sarah, darling.
    Please, please do call me if you need to. Even if late at night, I normally have my mobile with me regardless.

    Love to you all, and please do not make concrete decisions yet,k. Grief twists our minds and hearts and what we truly want and need.

    Love
    Jacq
    x

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  13. Just wanted to send a huge hug to you too. Be gentle with yourself xxx

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  14. Oh Sarah, I don't know what to say - I had hoped things were settling down for you all again, and now this. Maybe some space after the recent family death will help but it must be hard for you all.

    Take care of yourself and your girls, take help from your friends and family xx
    love and hugs, Dawn x

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  15. Oh Sarah, my heart goes out to you all. I agree so much with nocton4's post. Don't be scared to let the emotions flow, it will help the girls see it is ok.

    I have some dear friends who went through a seperation, only to find 6 months down the line that they couldn't bear to be apart. Here's hoping the seperation gives you both time to think, forgive, and move forward together.

    (((hugs)))

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  16. I'm so sorry Sarah - no wise words anad you have such very good friends I know you are well looked after. But if an escape to Chester ever appeals I hope you know we'd be pleased to see you. Treat yourself gently (you are so strong; fancy hitting lemon balm, not gin!) - and take it one day at a time

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  17. Sarah, don't know what to say, wish I could help out in some way, thinking of you, get in touch if I can do anything or you want a chat, real or virtual

    Alice x

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  18. I'm so sorry to hear your news Sarah. All you can do is take one day at a time. Sending you all lots of hugs.

    Michelle

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  19. oh honey, so much love to you. You'll do it and there'll be another side to come out to. Very glib, I am truly sorry. what a heartbreak for you all.

    Claire xox

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  20. So sorry for you all Sarah, love and hugs S xx

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Penny for your thoughts? :)