Is there any way to face such times with grace?
My marriage is falling apart, and I feel utterly without hope. I feel broken. I don't know, honestly have no idea, what the future holds - perhaps for the first time - it is all utterly out of my control and... Well, it's like a hole in my body that my attention skitters away from rather than acknowledge how much it hurts, because if I let myself see how broken I am I might lose courage and pass out. Yes, it's like that.
I have been drinking lemon balm tea and crying. Whilst trying to keep some semblence of normality both to protect our privacy and help the children cope with their own grief and confusion without taking on mine too. Jenna has been furiously angry with everyone and anyone (Martin visited and was driven out by her screaming, "get out get out get out", because she thought it better to make him leave than have him leave her!) and Morgan has been very very quiet. I get stressed more quickly and snap at them. It is a mess.
Martin has been living with friends. I have been focused on coping, you know, the sort of coping that is a veneer on desperate flailing for solid ground. I can't remember how to pray. It sounds overly dramatic, somehow, but there it is.
I can have the children clothed and fed, remember to put through nappies (have I ever pointed out that he does all the washing?) and I can even Do Things like crafting and reading and taking the little ones for bike rides and remembering how to work the DVD player. But I can't make any of it feel real.
I want my life back.