6 January 2008

No sleep and suffering

We've had two hard, hellish days and I'm really doubting myself. With nobody to bounce it all off I'm just me on my own feeling like the only idiot around who hasn't got it - lock the kids away and don't give them the run of your life ESPECIALLY not at nighttime or they'll trample you into the ground.

I'm glad I don't feel like this too often, I can't see how it's going to end though and it's killing me hoping each night that Morgan will manage a couple of hours and then awake in the dark resenting her, resenting both of them, finding that they make mess and talk back and don't co-operate and demand my time just the same as they do when I'm sleeping properly and not suffering from PMT! How dare they! The sneaking doubt that most of this stuff just doesn't make me miserable most of the time makes me feel worse, like I should snap out of it.

What if I'm becoming depressed again? What if the idea to self-harm starts creeping back in? I'm not feeling that bad, but I could do. I need sleep, I need to share the burden sometimes with someone who won't say,"well you chose this" and most of all I need to just be on my own for any length of time just to hear my own thoughts. Martin has promised me that I can have a bath, without babies, just me on my own. I am going to make him keep his promise, because if I don't get it I can't promise to keep making tea and refraining from leaving the kids in childcare.

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