Wow I'm glad that one passed, I haven't had that dark a mood for a while but I can see where it came from. Morgan slept the other night, not last night but the night before, and suddenly I can breathe again. I don't want to leave them. I don't want to force them to be convenient. I'm OK, we're OK and I'm happy to be a mother. Still have PMT though! At least I'm hoping that it's PMT because I really want a baby but I don't feel like I'm coping well enough right now to inflict myself on another human being. When did my life become about coping when I used to really love being a mother more than anything?
Thinking of it from another angle, has there really ever been a time when I have not doubted myself for more than a few days at a time? I think maybe I've always felt like this, that some days I cope and some days I love it but it's the just making it through that counts more than anything, when I can manage to parent without causing too much harm in spite of my feelings. I guess those are the times when I'm strongest, when I feel like I can't do it and do anyway. Still, perhaps I won't be trying to add another one to the mix. I'm not ready to trust myself with a new baby and I'm just starting to find the fun in toddlerdom all over again.
We have been baking bread, making brownies, having a lovely earth-mothery couple of days. I'm actually doing what I feel like I should be doing in spite of feeling crappy. My children are precious, and I will treasure them even (especially) on the days when I don't think I like them very much.
Jenna and Aoife made some fairy cakes today, sweetly praising each other as they did so, "Wow you did really well on that one, I like those sparkles," they are really good together and wait more patiently for each other than I expected from children of this age. They seem so grown up when I see them like this, co-operating and having a real friendship, a real care for each other. I underestimate Jenna so much!
Morgan has been saying "ego" or "ago" a lot this week. Ego is "here you go" and ago is "thankyou". It's fab, just like Jenna we're not making a big deal about manners we're just trying to be polite and respect her. And she copies, like with everything else, the form she hears the most often.
We don't always say please, if it's a matter of something that she MUST do (for example giving up a pair of scissors that Jenna let her have) - we would say, "Give those to Mummy. You can have this toy, scissors are sharp." Mostly because please has connotations of her having a choice! If she has something less worrying, like a pen, I do say please.