11 May 2008

BIG feelings about other people resenting babies

Kim and Jack left a bit early, I think it might have been my fault a little. We've all had two really late nights and the girls are still a bit more sensitive and tearful than usual (heat, tiredness, teething, blame what you will!) so we all got a bit fraught. Martin and I both seperately shouted at the girls for some silly little reason, and we were probably not as hospitable as we could have been (hey, we're human, I know Kim knows that and didn't resent us for it) but they decided to get an earlier train and be back in time for tea with their family. Which would have been fine but later I got a text saying that the ticket had been TIMED! They charged her extra, and she was gutted about it. It's so unfair!!

We spent this afternoon in the garden still, trying to get back a bit of calm with the girls. Which we acheived. Honest. ;) I'm actually struggling in another way to be honest, as fast as I've gotten over being stressy with the children. I'm feeling gutted about something I saw on Saturday - I think it has just opened the flood gates about Lael and how sad I still feel.

At soft play we sat alongside a couple of new mums with their tiny little newborns. They avoided holding their babies at all for most of the time, and called them awful names. One of them turned to me and said, "I can't wait for mine to be like that and not pestering me (gesturing to Morgan playing happily) - she's on at me all the time and I can't be bothered with all that. She's such a brat." I felt like saying, "I just delivered mine stillborn. I'll take her if you don't want her!" Instead I meekly said, "They still need you when they grow up, and I miss having hours to cuddle her. She won't stand for me to hold her for hours any more."

I cried later; feeling guilty as I did so. Maybe the mums had PND. Maybe they had exceptionally difficult babies. Maybe they really don't feel like that but say it because everyone does. Maybe... Maybe it's just unfair that other people get to resent their babies and call them spoilt and horrible and whiney at three days old and six weeks respectively (I asked).

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