Brightest Birthday Blessings, Sweet Morgan

In the morning there will be a birthday in our house again. It doesn't feel like three years ago...How can you be still so tiny, and yet really so big? Bright sunshine-girl, you have given us three years of smiles. We are so blessed to have our lives touched by your radiant spirit.

How much growing you have done this year, coming out of your little bubble world and meeting us head-on. I am astounded by you, just absolutely astonished. How could I be otherwise?Never stop being true to yourself. My precious, funny, glorious, sweet, gentle little imp. I wish you the very best of everything. And I can't wait to see what you come up with next!

Deeply disturbed and saddened

I know, it says something about my life if I spend time worrying about perfect strangers. It also probably marks me out as a total fool, since the person I'm worrying about was supposed to mail me a package THREE MONTHS ago and it has yet to turn up. Yet somehow it's easier for my mind to go into "oh God, something happened to one of their wee ones" than into "drat it all, I've been cheated".

Without being too specific, I'm very sad. :( I really want this parcel to show up, because I spent money on it and because it's beautiful. However more than that I want to know if this person is OK. I've been practically worrying myself to tears about it, as stupid as that is.

If I think about it any more, the tears (and the headache) are going to come back. If I wasn't so trusting I would have had the money back from paypal three weeks ago, before it crossed the threshold for transaction date for disputes. But none of that is nearly so important as that random stranger on the internet. And how much I wish I knew they were OK.

Bonding

What a rubbish word to describe something magical - here we go, another rant about the scientification of Love, the popular misconceptions about parental care and affection, the cruel irony of a society who values independence so highly it can't comprehend a relationship in anything other than a negative light...

How I wish that this topic didn't deserve a mention, that none of us had to look at the world and think "oh God, what a mess". The words we use aren't at fault, but they are hardly helping.

To have let bonding become something that we are supposed to "do" - a test that the new mama can pass or fail dependent on how much effort she puts into loving her baby? Screwed up thinking. Screwed up world. Of course, if we fed mama and let her and baby rest skin to skin as nature intended, without putting any silly shoulds or oughts on her...

To hear attachment parenting described by the BBC as doing nice things for the baby "so that they're dependent on you, to make the attachment really strong" is, well, less insulting than I could have expected. But it totally misses the point. Attachment parenting isn't adding something extra to the relationship to earn more love from the child. It's leaving well enough alone in order to love the child in the way that is meaningful to them.

It isn't about getting something from the child, it's about giving something (totally normal and healthy) to the child. Just love. Nothing fancy. Just love.

What happened to the idea of just BEING together? Child centred or parent centred, all we have to do is just be present with each other and let the relationship unfold at it's own pace. Personally I'm a fan of just "family centred" and people's needs taking precedence, well, at need. I'm a fan of getting on with things and letting them get on with things, as far as possible,

Love is not superglue to tear at or put up with. It is a warm shared blanket to retreat to and refuel. Love is not a force that clings like a powerful magnet, it is like two trees growing side by side whose roots may entwine but not so closely as to injure the growth of either.

Love isn't doing nice things to the baby. It isn't doing anything TO the baby. It's just letting the baby BE.

Book Sharing Monday - Father and Son

Our very very favorite Christmas book.Father and Son by Geraldine McCaughrean.

Narrated by Joseph after the nativity, "after the shepherds had hurried back to their sheep", as he questions what kind of a father he can be to such a child. The questions he asks, so beautifully and evocatively voiced by this talented author, are sometimes the questions that many parents have asked themselves. "Mine and yet not mine, he whispered."Some questions are simply and lyrically breathtaking. "What lullabies should I sing to someone who taught the angels to dance and peppered the sky with songbirds?" Joseph wonders, "What shall I pass down to you...? Not so much as the colour of my eyes."
"That's what I'll be - God willing. A helping hand." And Joseph continues to watch over his baby, while his God watches over him.

Dolls, crafts, Christmas and fairies

I've made more Christmas presents. Some I can't show you (aw, and was quite excited about showing off as usual, but obviously have to keep the satisfying element of secrecy intact) but these I can, because the recipients are too small to care about surprises! The grey matrioshka baby is for Connor, and the handkerchief doll is Rowan's (there is another of those in similar colours for another baby too, told you I'd been busy). I love making Waldorf dolls, although my enthusiasm frankly outstrips my ability in this area.I've also done embroidery, further doll making with wool scraps, and yes Izzy I've done the blackberries I promised you I just have to go post them. No swap item yet, it's ridiculous how I'm putting this off given I need to post that too. The children have done more glittering of things, finished some cards etc. We're feeling really Christmassy. :)

Also, today I ordered two new dressing up outfits. Jenna has wanted a mermaid costume forever and my attempts were frankly rubbish, so I have the one from Susumama (and a red fairy dress for Morgan) for a fancy dress party we're supposed to attend next week. Any excuse. ;)

Presents making seriously underway

As you can tell, my attitude has slipped into "forget the living room, I am SERIOUSLY behind"! Yesterday evening I tried to do a bit of present making with the baby asleep on my lap. I also popped her down briefly to do some tidying up, but didn't even get close to hoovering. I'm not sure whether Morgan is avoiding bits of stray popcorn and fluff here, or sharks. She SAID sharks, but it hasn't yet got so bad that I could miss a full grown shark in the living room. Perhaps it was invisible. Such things, after all, are supposedly quite common in this house.I did, on the other hand, make bread for our lunch. First time in over a week! And it was good.During the afternoon, I was feeling a little bit stressed, so sent Martin out for a walk with all three of the girlies and got on with finishing off the most soon-to-be-given gifts. I did these cloaks for several small girls (such a shame you can't see in the picture, I'm so proud of the really neat machine embroidered ribbon - it has a purple vine pattern) and a couple of grown up bracelets.When they all got home we went out to a fourth birthday party, which was lovely. The girls were absolute stars, and Morgan got the chocolate from Jenna's layer of the pass the parcel AGAIN. I'm so ridiculously proud of them when we have such a great time in what ought to be a high-stress scenario. I try not to make a fuss, as a) it's patronising and irritates them, b) it's counterproductive - and also c) I don't want them to see being pleasant to people as extraordinary lol. I dunno, I'll stick with the very wise advice to take neither too much of the credit or too much of the blame. Still, it's lovely to be around them on days like this. :)

In other news, Rowan ate absolutely masses tonight. I don't know where this baby is putting all this food, because neither of the others ate much at all at this age. She's even lost some of the chubbiness around the face since her episode of sickness last week. Must be a growth spurt, but if so it's a very peculiar one in my book, last night was the first night she slept in between feeds (as opposed to the wonderful sleeping-latched-on game).

About twenty gifts left to make... Not tonight though, I'm hoping for the magical sleep to happen again.

Facilitating

Wow this has been a bit of an internal struggle. I have this picture in my head of how things should work out, and then I realise I'm looking at the picture in my head and not at the real people I live with.

Jenna has been asking for "school work" - meaning worksheets. She has been around schools a fair bit for a homeschooled child, because my mum is a teacher and very open about her work. We visit her at school, meet her outside, sometimes the children have been to meet Grandma's class, and Jenna sees mum's prep around the house all the time. Somewhere along the way she has picked up an idea about teaching and learning and what she needs to learn. I'd thought she was happy with life pretty much as it was now, just living our lives, but recently she started asking for "work" again.

I thought about it long and hard, and I think I know what it is that she wants. Her handwriting is bothering her, I knew that, she doesn't want to write like a child she wants to write like me. She has seen handwriting practice sheets, and that's what she was after. Deflecting again just seemed so dishonest.

Hence the tussle with myself. I think worksheets to teach writing and reading are at best a time killing activity, and at worst an interference. I don't think they are wrong, or even unhelpful for all children, but they are not the way I wanted to do things. Simply, I wanted the girls to have a chance to pick things up from living it rather than doing learning exercises as a task separate from normal everyday stuff. How harmful did I think they'd be if I just let her get on with how she wanted to do things? It seems a bit disproportionate perhaps, but maybe I'd rather over think things than just go along never asking why...

So worksheets she has.

I would love to be able to laminate them but for now she either has photocopies or copies in poly-wallets (but the wallets aren't very good quality so will have to be thrown away after a few uses - better to use paper, I suspect, which at least biodegrades). My mum has been such a star seeking out really child-friendly things that don't feel pushy and that are open to Jenna's interpretation. I have to work hard at handing them over and then keeping out of it, otherwise inner-control-freak-mum starts trying to tell her to finish one before she does another, or dictate how to fill them in "right" (I didn't even want her to have the flaming things in the first place and then I start handing them out like they are important?!).

I really don't fancy this kind of homeschooling in the long term - not at all. It doesn't suit me, or perhaps suits me so well I would become something I don't want to be all too quickly. But I can't call myself child-led if I keep fighting her on what and how she wants to learn.

More wintery crafting

We did indeed get around to glittering snowflakes yesterday.Not before breakfast, with added popcorn and cranberries as we made a garland. In fact, why not dedicate this entire post to Joxy. Thanks for sharing the crafty fun!We also used up most of the sticky dots, and two tube of glitter glue. The baby helped, as usual, by crawling through the middle of the whole lot right as we finished with the glue. Sparkly baby! Morgan's was the squished masterpiece:
Jenna: Oh no! Oh... MORGAN, I'm SO SORRY. Don't be sad, you can have mine!
Morgan: Me not sad. It OK, it not broken!The big trees were just for the process. These little ones are for adorning cards (four this year, see, for as last we have tempered our No Card policy with an Oh Well Can't Win 'Em All one).What else... Um, I got fresh cranberries last week and we made sugar free cranberry sauce yesterday afternoon. I'm still not entirely used to the idea of sweetening with fruit juices and agave, so I wasn't convinced it wouldn't be too sour to eat. It's gorgeous, and I wish I had more cranberries to make some for gifts. I used a bit of the sauce in the middle of a batch of flapjacks (also sugar free lol) and we had them for supper.The baby wasn't offered any, but she nevertheless managed to find a plate of crumbs to hoover up with great gusto. I'm sure she is the earliest of mine to master using the finger-pinch grasp on such tiny morsels of food. She has handled rice with ease for over a month now!

And on the topic of sweet treats, today we went totally the other way and used bought sugary icing to finish off snowflake shortbread.Now, if only I could turn the impulse to do kiddy crafts into the one which would force me to confront my tardiness on the actual present-making...

That cardi

I managed to get some pictures of the new Ashleigh cardigan in action, however my camera apparently doesn't do purples very accurately unless in full sunlight. I think I've pointed that out before - if I haven't, I should have, because it's very irritating when pictures either come out with things being blue or pink instead. *sigh* Anyway, that was NOT the intended topic of this morning's ramble.

The cardi, oh yeah. Well, I got the colour right. But only when I turned the flash off, which made the baby blur. Did I mention she doesn't stay still? If I haven't, I should have. She is FAST. I love this perpetual motion thing (and the constant babbling that goes with it, so CUTE)!

As I was trying to take pictures, she was throwing the rattle on the floor, then leaning her head against the cube seat so that she could reach for it with both hands. Now that's problem solving. Ahh this baby thing. Will I ever get used to it, stop finding them fascinating and funny?A mystery and a joy, different and yet the same, mine and yet not mine.

Decorations and other stuff from today

Today we took a walk to the shops to get some sticky dots (what is wrong with the world when craft shops only sell stickers with "well done" and "good job" written on them?!) for another craft activity. I'm trying to make life easy for myself with the whole Christmas making thing, by preparing stuff in advance that takes very little involvement on my part. That way they get seasonal crafting, and I maybe (hopefully) get to finish the last few presents!

While we were out we discovered that the little greengrocers we were so unimpressed by last time have started marking the country of origin of all their produce and now stock almost all UK (and a lot of it local) fruit and veg. We weren't really in need of anything, but it was still great to do such a guilt-free top up shop. Yummy local baby carrots! Strange the things that I think of as treats...

Anyhow, snowflakes were one of the more high-supervision things so we did that while still feeling unfrazzled from our walk. The scissors were a bit hard to handle going through that much paper, so I finished them off once the children were done taking little chunks out! I'm hoping to play at glittering them tomorrow.Then we put up decorations. :)
Is it just me who gets a laugh out of counting how many changes of clothes my girls get through in a day? It seems when I look back at each day in pictures, either hardly any of them involve the children because my little nudist babies didn't get dressed all day, or they involve at least two changes of outfit each. I KNEW there was a reason the washing piles rarely seem to diminish...

Advent is here!

We started our Jesse Tree too. More on this another day!

A couple of days of this...

Rowan started being very very sick the night before last. I have never seen so much sick.In fact, it wasn't that that worried me really. She was also so drowsy and hot, totally withdrawn. She whimpered, slept, stared into space, whimpered and slept again. And brought up every ounce of milk I could get into her. One or twice she fell asleep upright, leaning her hot cheek against my cool one. Poor, poor baby. All I could do was keep a towel under her and keep her as cool and dry as possible. At least her skin tone stayed OK so I knew she wasn't too dehydrated.The sisters, as always, kept occupied. They were so sweet and caring to her, gentle kisses and concern. I was so glad for their peaceful company.Yesterday they went to story time with just Martin, while I stayed home with a recovering baby. She started nursing again properly and spitting up just small amounts. She even demanded a share of my lunch (I declined to give her any solids at that stage lol). As soon as she perked up and wanted to climb down out of my lap, I knew we were fine. Just in time to disrupt sisters' drawing! And allow mummy to do some catching up on the housework. :SYesterday evening she was so much more like her usual self. She chased the cat around until it got fed up.I didn't get there in time. Poor tormented Izzy made her feelings felt, and the baby took it stoically, as you can see.I'm so glad to have my smiling baby girl back! It was certainly very weird to have her so out of it, when normally she is so eager to get on with DOING. The only downside is that I was quite enjoying being able to play with the Tantrix puzzle, and now I have a baby wanting to "help" again!I got up to 14 pieces in one session!