23 March 2013

More thoughts from the storm

The snow is still falling, and I am still low.  Every time I look outside I see more flurries of snow, more white skies, every time I step outside and the biting wind cuts through all layers I feel resentful.  I don't *want* the pretty white cold stuff.  I'm ready for Spring and warm earth and planting and light and green.

The ceiling isn't leaking any more.  I'm counting that as a major improvement on the situation.  The work men coming and going laughed to be followed pied-piper-like by a string of small children wanting to see what they were doing.

Yesterday Rowan asked me why I was crying, and I told her it was because I feel like I get everything wrong.  She patted me gently and said, "You don't, mummy."  Sweet as she is, I don't believe her.  I really feel like everything that could have gone wrong this month did, and I'm still waiting for worse news.  If it could possibly be extrapolated as my fault, it is.

Lemon yoghurt muffins are in the oven as I procrastinate about making lunch.

The living room still looks like a disaster zone.  I have been trying to tidy it, unsuccessfully, all morning.  I'm so easily distracted - by muffins, by music, by just going to check the dye pot one more time, by a snippet of something floating through my head that I have to check *right now*.  I am not getting very far.  Procrastination is pretty much the main thing I have got done today.

I can't remember the last time I really felt like me, and it was a long time before that when I last felt like I knew what I was doing.

Jenna is sitting scraping the last bits out of the bottom of the yoghurt pot with a long spoon, reading a recipe book - she is planning to cook for us again and can't decide what to make.

Sweet children, curious and lively and bright.  Still, after all this long Winter, the snow is just more magic and another adventure.  The lack of transport and money are irrelevant, life is just fine in a house full of books with the park so close and friends who drop in to visit.

Without saying a word to me, they somehow creep in to this miserable overwhelmed posting of mine and make it lighter.  The way little blonde naked baby edges her way up to the stool to sit down, not yet quite confident to judge distances; the way she shouts "HIYA" at me in outrage because she wants my phone.  Morgan with a hippy flowered headband, lots of sparkly rings, and rainbow owl socks.  Ack, they are perfectly lovely people.

17 comments:

  1. And you are their perfectly lovely mama. I have candles lit at our house today for many reasons but I shall light another and pray for you dear Sarah that you will soon see that light at the end of a very long wintery tunnel <3 xx

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  2. If they are perfectly lovely people then you clearly aren't doing everything wrong. I think we all have times when we feel like that though. Just hang in there and remember your spring will come.

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    1. Behind every great kid is a mum who's pretty sure she's screwing it up. (I have this pinned up in my bedroom right now!)

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  3. Yes it will come hun, holding onto that thought myself; after a very tough few months and I too am feeling rather dispirited by this seeming never ending winter.

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    1. It does feel like the end isn't even in sight, and the Spring was *so close* a month ago!

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  4. Totally agree with the others, your happy tribe is as a result of all the love and encouragement you give them, i do so wish i had but a snippet of your creativty.

    A prayer and hug for you

    San xx

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    1. I would pinch a bit of your selflessness and determination. ;) Always thinking of that tribe of yours fighting for wellness. xxx

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  5. Oh my love, I think you are really feeling the end of this winter and the coldness that has driven you all inside. You need some sunlight on your skin and the opportunity to let your little people run wild and free. I hope it comes soon for you.x

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    1. Yep, and me too. Winter *cannot* last forever...

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  6. Hugs Sarah... Because I've been there. Xxxxxxxx

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  7. I think, we mums beat ourselves up too much, we feel that we have to be perfect. I wish we could still think like kids too, thinking about this moment, instead of the future etc. Try doing some meditation, seeing yourself walking on a beach, barefoot, in the warm sunshine, and lose yourself there for a while, it helps me, and for what it's worth from reading your blog, you ARE a great mum. xx

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    1. Meditation time is such a great idea, thank you, it's hard to think about what will help!

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  8. I have driven myself half mad worrying about money recently - you are not alone. This endless winter and permanently delayed spring is such a metaphor for tough times. One day we will stand in the sun xxx

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Penny for your thoughts? :)