Good Enough

Another couple of busy days; finding the time to upload pictures is trying at the moment as Blogger is playing naughty games and I can't be bothered to fight to "upload failed" box for supremacy. Though if I did allow it to become a pitched battle, It would come out the winner.

So, yesterday, we did Story Time. Jenna is starting to find it a bit boring, though she loves to mother the little ones, and Morgan has suddenly become shy (??!) and clings to her hand the entire time. More questions about whether we are missing out on big-kid things by having these littles - seeking to be together as a family is such an uphill struggle in this society. Nice morning nevertheless, and then lunch with Ashleigh before heading home to play in the garden again (of course).If you're noticing the words "battle" and "struggle" cropping up a lot, it isn't a sign that the recent period of harmony is at an end, but it certainly is a sign that other stuff is making me feel a bit frazzled around the edges. If I could sum it up simply (and simplicity often eludes me) I would say that I am feeling like no matter what I do, it is never good enough. When I do more structured activity, "fun stuff", puzzles and board games, read to them more often, I worry that I am stiffling them and not allowing them the freedom for independant play. When I spend a lot of time doing things that I enjoy, not with but alongside them as they persue their own aims, when they are basically very autonomous and not over-supervised, I worry that I am being selfish and not meeting their needs. I have had a few days in a row (probably early-morning induced) of feeling like I just can't strike a balance.

The house is a mess, but what do I actually DO? Is it messy because we DID something? No, it's messy because we did, well, nothing really. So I hide out and crochet in the hopes that the mess will go away, because at least that way I have something concrete to show for the energy expenditure. So, well, that's why the kitchen surfaces finally got their makeover, because I am feeling out of balance and dissatisfied and wonder what, precisely, I actually achieve by anything that I do. I'm hoping it won't be long before I can snap out of it and rejoice in being again.

In the meantime, we went on a trip again today to get some bits of food shopping and visit the Fairtrade shop. On the one hand, this helped with my I-need-to-plan-meals-better goal. On the other hand I then had to have the mental debate about whether we use the car too much, whether I ought to feel guilty about travelling further for more ethical products or whether I ought to work harder at not buying products at all and start making my own washing stuff again. Balance, oh yes. We need some of that about now, before I wear everyone out.

Anyhow, I actually spent the rest of my birthday money (um, from November) on a beautiful bag which immediately got juice spilled on it. It looked pretty hanging out with the washing though, no?Jenna and Morgan stayed with Chris so that Em could come to Traidlinks with us, and we ended up stopping in a little churchyard to nurse the babies before getting back in the car. I made daisy chains. And it was so perfect, I'm actually kind of glad I didn't have the camera because I never would have managed to catch the light just right - and the birdsong, and the scratchy grass, and the little bits of confetti under a tree...

The afternoon passed companionably, all of us at our house in the living room and garden, sun, sweet breezes, potato plants (yeah, maybe a bit too proud of the potatoes), cozy corners, stories and good food.It is definitely a sign of my state of mental disarray that I can't even remember any of the other stuff I wanted to blog about. Now where did I put the box of calming herbal tea?

And I sign off, to more chaos, as my living room is the kind of messy other living rooms can only aspire to. And, as if I don't procrastinate enough, I am halfway through making a pair of these wooly pants for Morgsie whose little legs are suffering from too-small nappy covers at night time. Balance. Right. ;)

Weekending

Park...Carbooting and then dinner with Em and Chris... Bricks for Connor, only £1! A lovely afternoon before some unfortunately necessary top-up food shopping. (Again! I really must be more organised about food shopping!)More kitchen re-organisation...Garden joys...Quiet play...

Blissful!

Roo Time

Just the two of us, for almost a whole day of pottering and playing, music and chatter. It ws very quiet. How can it ever have been hard to be on my own with one? Because it was. And now it's like a mini holiday.There are times when I list off to myself what she is missing. Undivided attention I don't worry about, as she has extra people dancing attendance upon her far better than I ever could. But it's when I start singing to her and wonder if it is the first time I have had time to sing JUST TO HER, or if she has ever heard Baa Baa Black Sheep before since her sisters grew out of it that short while ago.

And eventually I wonder instead, is it the others who really missed out? I am a different person now, perhaps a better person, I am SURE a better parent and an easier person to live with. In some ways Jenna had more of my mistakes and fears and disasterous ideas foist upon her small self.And then all that is forgotten in the joy of being with her. Her presence is healing and her smile is balm for the soul. I get to see every new shoot and growing thing through her baby eyes. She is the first to spot the bracelets hung up in the blackberry bush. She points out every ant with cries of "dat!" (that!). My little one, my sweet joyous baby, my toddling wonder. :)

More Homey Things

More of Jenna's recent writing and drawing. Still invented (but phonetically legal) spelling. It is getting more and more logical and closer to our spelling, and I am so glad we have had that trust in her and stood back to let her get on with it.Last night I finshed these shorties for Roo. They are a little big, but I love them! They're more of my hand-dyed goodness, and match perfectly the little cardi I'm making with the newly arrived Hummingbird Alpaca (I ordered this wool from Get Knitted a few weeks ago and it finally arrived a couple of days ago, at which point I became paralysed by choice and couldn't decide what to make!) so of course I had to start that project too.And for breakfast this morning (yes, breakfast, I know) I was inspired by this post at Childhood Magic, and made a really really delicious raw chocolate cake. I've been too scared by raw "baking" before, mostly due to recipes with too many exotic ingredients, but it just so happened that all of these were easily within my reach. I substituted hazelnuts for the walnuts (I just like them better with chocolate, and I didn't have enough walnuts) and it came out so nice that I ate two slices this morning. *grins*

Out and About

We've had a pretty quiet couple of days, out and about looking for small shelves for the kitchen (eventually, after exhausting all our second hand and charity options, discovering that my mum is getting rid of some that will be perfect!) and spending days on various parks. Lots of sun, a few showers, and lots more tired littles.Morgan drew this yesterday, I think the zigzag to the right is grass, the red above is sky, and the people are apparently "mummy", "my baby" and "Ro-ro". It has only been a few months since Morgan started regularly drawing representative images, and I love that her little figures (to borrow a Waldorf term) "dance and soar through space". :)We spent an afternoon on Chad park again, for which I forgot the camera, though highlights include Jenna scaling the teenager's climbing frame with ease, and mastering the highest set of monkey bars. When the schools let out we were joined by a crowd of uniformed children, and Jenna ran off with a pack of them to play under the trees. She was saying something about having a magic wand that turned people into animals, and she was being a cheetah, and off she went again.

Now that her play so rarely includes me, I expected to feel bereft. Instead I admire her from afar, and treasure whatever she does choose to share. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't seen it, but I am both closer to her, and less involved in her day to day activity than I ever expected.

I was trying to explain why we don't like the Surestart parenting course they are running at the moment. The organiser of some play sessions we've been to was telling us how it is "basically what you guys already do". I was confused for a minute - what? Time out? Praise for "good behaviour"? But we don't do those things! She explained that we don't belittle, smack, or shout. (Um, that last one ought to be "don't shout much" or "don't shout in public" or perhaps "shout less and less as time goes on and we learn more self-control")... I think what she meant was that because we agree on the things that aren't helpful we must agree on what they should be replaced with. I settled for saying that it may be good to switch agressive control for emotional manipulation, but it may be better still to choose not to control and instead communicate and co-operate.

When something is going wrong and someone is going to be hurt, we are right there and we DO something about it, we don't NEED to shout or guilt (or praise when something is going right, because things going well are their own reward!). Validation is a tool for communication, not a tool for control. I suspect all of that is a paradigm shift too far, though. ;)

Anyway, yesterday we spent a fair bit of the day on another park with Naomi's lovely little wild things. EVERY TIME we have to remind Jenna that Ellie likes time to warm up, and that she needs space to get used to them again before she wants to play. I think she's slowly getting it, and it's so good for her to be around someone who doesn't just fall in line with how Jenna sees the world or wants things to go, whose very character challenges her to see people as individuals and respect those differences. :) It was a lovely day.Naomi is blooming (or should I say, in full bloom) and is just waiting for this baby to arrive! Every time I have a text, Jenna asks if the baby has come yet. ;)