1 July 2014

The beautiful, the ordinary, the here, the light.

2014-06-07 14.12.51

2014-06-11 11.49.12

2014-06-11 15.08.16

2014-06-16 12.01.14

IMG_4058

2014-06-20 13.08.43

2014-06-21 15.24.14

IMG_4087

IMG_4086

2014-06-22 19.39.09

2014-06-23 13.18.53

2014-06-22 19.40.39

IMG_4088

2014-06-26 09.41.29

2014-06-26 11.32.18

IMG_4094

2014-06-27 15.30.06

2014-06-28 10.13.17

(The grey foxy dress is Rowan's favourite right now, can you tell?)

I haven't disappeared off the face of the Earth. The words are failing me. Or I am failing them. I have almost stopped writing. Almost stopped creating. Almost stopped reading. Floundering in a swamp of wordlessness and struggling to the surface to take breath after breath. They need me; I am needed. I have no time to go under. These moments with them count for something. They count for everything.

Every single moment. Every moment of light and laughter and love is a moment won back from the darkness of depression and anxiety. Every moment I can choose better than how I feel.

How pretentious does that sound? Hells, I can't... Broken words, coming out with such difficulty and not even... I wish I could craft this explanation into something redemptive and beautiful. This is why I am absent, fractured. The effort to wrap the words around it draws energy from the effort to stay present and make our lives something redemptive and beautiful. I won't pretend that it isn't so hard, right now. I've come out of this darkness before, though, and I will again. I am not giving in.

8 comments:

  1. Welcome back, you have been missed, as you said, they need you as much as you need them, strong, caring, creater of beautifulness, mama, you ll come thro, be kind to yourself xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Offering a hand to hold my lovely and arms for an embrace.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope you find healing soon. I too have been through a bout of depression and anxiety recently, and am not quite out of the darkness yet. You are not alone. x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bless you for pouring out your heart and sharing your world. Sending you love and prayers.

    San xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. There are so many beautiful memories in these pictures, everyone a gift. And a gift that means even more when coming from those hard places. I have been in the wordless wilderness at times too.Sending love and hugs and praying you find peace and healing. xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you, lovely lovely people, knowing that so many of you understand and walk this valley with me from time to time is immeasurably comforting.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hear you. I feel this too. Holding your hand through this. You are not alone. xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sarah you are so not alone.

    When I feel myself falling I reread Ariel Gore "The Mama Trip", in particular one passage called "If it's all you can do to get out of bed, get out of bed." And then I weep. I want to share with you this part.

    I am not telling you this because I have some magical cure to offer you. My depression lasted a long time. I am telling you this because if this season has been the same for you, then I want you to know you are not alone. And if you think that it will never let up, well, I want you to know that you are probably mistaken. It will let up, slowly. It will let up whether you ask it to or not. And if you wake up one dull morning and feel it's all you can do to get out of bed, just get out of bed.

    ReplyDelete

Penny for your thoughts? :)