We're in that funny place again where it's suddenly hitting us that Martin might not find work right away. And then where does the money come from, and how do we balance everything, and how do we keep working at creating a warm, safe, peaceful home when all the grown-up stuff is stressful and confusing?
I'm working away, trying to make sales and build my little dye business. And I'm smiling, and anchoring myself to the future in which we're thriving and I'm thriving and creating beautiful things and actually getting paid for it. He's searching away, and writing letters, and applying for courses. And he's smiling, and enjoying the precious extra time with his children, and cleaning out the kitchen cupboards and putting laundry through and other things that are usually my special privilege what with being at home more...
And she, well, she's always smiling.
I long for a more self-sufficient lifestyle. I long for the feeling that I am on top of the household chaos. I long for a glimpse of certainty that I'm not messing everything up for my children, and the silencing of the constant chatter of self-doubt and self-criticism in my head. And so we believe, and we work, and we plan, and we strive, and we wait. And smile in spite of everything threatening to overwhelm us.