26 April 2013

Smiling, anyway

We're in that funny place again where it's suddenly hitting us that Martin might not find work right away. And then where does the money come from, and how do we balance everything, and how do we keep working at creating a warm, safe, peaceful home when all the grown-up stuff is stressful and confusing?

I'm working away, trying to make sales and build my little dye business. And I'm smiling, and anchoring myself to the future in which we're thriving and I'm thriving and creating beautiful things and actually getting paid for it. He's searching away, and writing letters, and applying for courses. And he's smiling, and enjoying the precious extra time with his children, and cleaning out the kitchen cupboards and putting laundry through and other things that are usually my special privilege what with being at home more...

And she, well, she's always smiling.
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I long for a more self-sufficient lifestyle. I long for the feeling that I am on top of the household chaos. I long for a glimpse of certainty that I'm not messing everything up for my children, and the silencing of the constant chatter of self-doubt and self-criticism in my head. And so we believe, and we work, and we plan, and we strive, and we wait. And smile in spite of everything threatening to overwhelm us.

5 comments:

  1. You are all in our thoughts, I know how tough these times are and how hard it is to keep things peaceful when there are so many stressful things happening. You are doing so well and achieve so much, I am in awe of your creativity! x x x

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    1. Thank you. I know you know these periods of desperation so well. We think of you often, here, and hope that your dreams are closer than ever. xxx

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  2. A hug to you dear friend and joining you in the self doubt x

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    Replies
    1. Sweet mama, I'm holding your hand as we all struggle to keep our heads above water. (praying)

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  3. I think you are doing amazingly well under what must be very stressful circumstances.
    Sending hugs.

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Penny for your thoughts? :)