6 June 2011

Missing presumed pregnant...

Yeah still here, well, just about, and not online obviously. I don't know what it is about this time but I just hate being near a screen. It's hard to focus, too, I guess I'm dehydrated on and off and that doesn't help. Life is strange and up and down. Some days are ok apart from the sickness. Some days the sickness seems normal and everything else just feels like a distant dream.

Along with those other reasons, I have been away from internet spaces because I do enough whining in real life and it seems unreasonable to inflict the steady stream of complaints on a wider audience. :S

Last night in the bath Morgan was playing one of her favourite water games. She takes the wash cloth by one corner and swirls it around under the water, telling me it's a mermaid. Normally that's it. Swish swish, "look mummy, my mermaid is swimming in circles", swish, swirl. Last night she started story telling.
"My mermaid is making breakfast. She just went to the shops to get raisins and now she's making porridge with honey and raisins in it."
What will the mermaid do next?
"When she finishes her breakfast she's going to have circle time and then do some painting."

Morgan proceeded to make up an entire under-water circle time for her 'mermaid'. Obviously a certain Normal is heavily impressed upon my middle daughter. I'm torn between finding it sweet and feeling an undeniable sadness that none of those things are normal right now. Breakfast is bought cereal, and never served by me. Circle time has happened once this week, an old one, led by Jenna. I wasn't even in the room. As for painting. Well, they took the watercolours down the garden last week, and painted each other. That's the first time paints have been out in about two months. The old normal is on hold. What if we never get it back, or anything resembling it?

Ack, this is weighing heavy, weeks and weeks of barely keeping food down and being mostly alone in the house... Well, Martin lost his job last week, so I'm not alone in the house any more, and someone else can give the children a bit of time, but the stress on top of stress I could do without.

I'll make up for this huge long complaint with some pictures, soon, not least of the Green Parent meet which was such a wonderful respite from feeling alone and overly responsible for everything! I am, though, finally past the dates at which I lost Lael. These things need their due celebration. Perhaps any day there will also be those first recognisable movements to report, and I will finally start feeling pregnant rather than merely incapacitated...


  1. Oh golly Sarah, so hard reading this, wish I could make things better. Not great about Martin losing his job but maybe it is a bit of silver lining on the cloud? sounds to me right now you need lots of rest. I'm surprised the hospital haven't had you in on a drip to rehydrate you and stabilise things.

    Hope things improve very soon
    big hugs San and all xxxx

  2. Oh sarah!! I know exactly how you feel! I felt so awful with Otis' pregnancy and I never ever thought it would get back to normal. But it does, I know you know it but maybe to hear it from someone else helps? And kids are so resilient, they'll forget about this time so quickly, I'm sure. Hang in there, can't wait to hear about first movements and perhaps the end of sickness??

  3. So nice to see how your presence is still there in the play and actions of your girls, Sarah. How lovely that Jenna led circle time. Ok it was maybe only once, but still... This time is only a tiny microdrop in a huge ocean of inspiring parenting. Be gentle with yourself - grow this baby and the paints will be back out soon enough. xxx

  4. (((((hugs))))

    Thing about normal - its forever changing in response to the needs of individuals and the collective.

    You will find your "normal" again, just don't be too suprised or sad if it's not quite what it was before, afterall, all it means is your normal has evolved :-)

    Lucky vibes for Martin finding work.

  5. So sorry to read that Martin lost his job, and that you are still feeling bad :-( I hope you feel better really soon, and things get back to normal for you all xxx

  6. Good to hear from you. Love Morgan's mermaid story. Your girls are flourishing despite your lack of 'normal'. Hang on in there mama!
    Much love xx

  7. Sending you all lots of love
    Gina xxx

  8. Heya. :) randomly found your blog when searching for 'how to celebrate summer solstice'?! And ended up reading and reading... I vaguely know you from distant times not so far away, having once been a CCD-ite. Anyway - so moved and genuinely inspired, and full of that pleasure you get when you find somewhat like-minded people in life :D Thank you x

  9. Thankyou, lovely to "meet" you! CCD was a long time ago for me lol, not the best memories mostly. I've just been browsing your blog and wow, I love your art. :) It is so great to find people who speak your language, I love the internet!

  10. Huge (((Hug)) to you... keep positive, you'll be back to normal soon!
    All my love to you, Shanti


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