Disconnected

Struggling again a little, just normal things that feel hugely hard. Noise, mess, noises that go on and on with no apparent meaning, children making a mess as I try to tidy up, whinging from older children who don't understand why I'm in a bad mood and suspect it's their fault (it isn't, oh it isn't).

The more low I get the more paranoid I get - I start to think that their normal attempts to get me to behave normally are their attempts to break me... And the more unhappy (and snappy) I get the more they go for the really DIFFICULT means of asking for what they need. And I don't feel very attached right now.

Taking Rowan's crying and Morgan's shrieking and Jenna's stomping personally is just the smallest part of it. But all are indications that depression is taking over rational thinking. When I get to the stage of not wanting anyone to touch me or talk to me, my first thought is that I am a terrible person for feeling like that. My first thought probably *ought* to be, "that is the depression talking - we've got past this before and we can beat it again". And we will beat it...

The things I can fix are in hand. I've totally rearranged toy storage and am half way through a huge tidy up because when I'm depressed I cannot operate with mess. Also I'm hoping that having the play kitchen in a little toy corner and the other toys in baskets in the main living area will help them to access their things and rediscover some forgotten playthings, and hence not want me to occupy them myself so much!

I'm also eating much better, having spent Rowan's growth spurt eating up any junk I can find (lol in my house we're talking plain crisps, home made cake, and organic dark chocolate, but still)... Chamomile tea, nuts and seeds, fresh vegetables. Soup for tea, with wild salad and garlic mushrooms.

I hate feeling disconnected from the children but I also know that I don't have to act how I feel. Even at my most irritated and tired and tearful I CAN keep doing the minimum; can feed us, protect us, clothe us, and avoid yelling (much). Yesterday's outburst is behind us and I can get through this. Again.